and life moves on

after all that chaos reality is back, but i prefer that kaos and making 2 big closet doors of artwork!

Mike Divine own's these, custom made for him and wont be duplicated.

they came out great I think!

chipper

today i feel chipper... havent in awhile, just some random mood to be dancing and what not :)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

yea

its been a while

I write here... still unemployed, not loving it at all since I am a workaholic and trying to keep myself busy, even speed up my classwork... but I have nothing really today, just some cleaning.

rain all week, but temps finally dropping some. Its about time really.

mommy leen

I love when I can play mommy to my nieces/nephews/cousin and any babies, it fills that void that no one else can fill especially after my miscarriage. My son would almost be 2 years... a year 8 months old to be exact on the 16 of this month.

anyway I have this one neice who seems to show me the most innocent love, she hears me and wants me to carry her and she is only 3 months old and her bond to me is so sweet and strong. He holds me tight, smiles, laughs and makes noises as if she were talking to me, she feels my love for her and I love her unconditionally. She also loves to sleep in my arms, vomit on me at least twice and always goes to the bathroom when I hold her it never fails, its kinda funny too. Strange though but she most be super comfy with me to let it all go :) or I make her feel better.

Its also a marvel to look at her and see how tiny she was one arm to hold her when she was born, and now its 2 arms and she is getting bigger, and soon she will be as big as my nephew and then niece and eventually my size... probably taller than me. The littleness always amazes me even with my cats the size of my hand when I got them and now they are big and long kitties.

either way i show so much love to them, and wont stop loving them and all the babies that cross my path. What is also neat is that most little kids either really love me and need my attention, and then there are the ones that shy away at me but look at me with big eye in marvel like i am some "princess" as I have been told by a little girl. I cant forget one of my classmates had an artbooklet I made and he said his daughter carried everywhere and said I was a princess.

Sweet innocent eyes of a child, where does it get lost? I dont see what they see of me, but I do know I have the most patience for them, and I make sure to hug them if they let me or I make them art, a simple drawing or clay model lights up their day... maybe I should of been an elementary art teacher. But teaching is not my thing.

babies/kids/animals rock <3

dreaming time

I already knew we dream in 15minute intervals... todays nap proves it. I laid down only to just wake up for no reason 15 minutes later. Same thing over and over for almost an hour later but finally i fell asleep for a bit. But when I woke up i expected it to be darker but it wasn't, it felt like i was asleep forever and wasn't waking up to be alive but a feeling of not existing anymore.

same problem this morning when I woke up to be leen-taxi. When I woke up I felt as if I slept for a long time, so long it may have been a coma, it was a strange feeling to wake up in the middle of the night and feel this as well, but it was dark and for a moment i felt buried alive. but one of my cats moved so I knew i wasn't. But the same feeling again when I had to wake up.

I passed my living date from all my previous past lives, and I am wandering again waiting for a the original purpose or the re-purpose.

on another note the anti-wrinkle dark spots creme is working since the black circles under and over my eyes are getting lighter... but still strange.

the power of a phone call

is much more than it is ever credited. As most humans we are on out cells calling or texting away our days or random hi's to check on friends. But the power of one phone call can be so overwhelming and loving. But so can that first text message of love, but all of them since day one fill me with love, but I got my second call, but it was the first one from being so far away.

Saturday Aug 29, I am just cleaning and feeling sick, while it is already past midnight his time and he has sung out his heart and back in the backroom drinking. But he paused that to call me... yes call me something he hasn't done that was random. My heart jumped when i heard his designated ring tone, his pic and his name flashing on my cellphone's screen. I was so stunned and killer butterflies I almost forgot to pick up, but I picked up with the biggest smile, not even sure i said hi or what was first. But as soon as the sound of his voice came through my ears, my heart jumped out of my chest and i was floating in happiness to hear his "i love you, i miss you...", i about died of happiness there! But it wasnt that short of a phone call he stayed for a bit and talked about his night and how he missed me and all.

He had already texted me earlier as it is our daily ritual, but today was even more spoiling with texting love and this phone call!!! I still feel like the luckiest girl for that, so sweet of him, so loving... i am blessed to have his love <3

i normally hate to be on the phone but i love to be on the phone when he calls me, it makes me all giddy happy and enjoy it, everything he does is so passionate/romantic loving! I wish others could feel this kind of love.. but their own person not mine :)

HIRE ME!

So I was randomly looking again for jobs in sweden and BOOM 2 jobs I can apply at! 1 Design job in Norrökping & 1 Music Managment/Artist Promotion in Stockholm!!!!!!!! HIRE ME! I already have more than 2/3 of the experience just from working with Violent Divine! I am beyond excited and hope they respond and HIRE ME!!! please let this be the universal break for me! I'd love to be doing this and would be happy to have that crazy chaotic stress! I might be crazy but I know I can do it and do a great job as well!

a glimmer of hope!

A love like no other, I said when I was little that my other half was on the other side I must of been 6 when I realized it and he was already 26. I already had projects and interactions with Swedish products, food that I would not be aware of until I meet him. And then my world broke from under me and as I float down the rabbit hole with everything around whirling into puzzle pieces. Then to show me all the paths I had crossed and taken that lead me to this clear path to him. Sometimes there are holes where life will test me to stay on my feet. But fate has revived my wings and allowed me to be able to see him, this will be the forth time I get to see him. But the only roadblock and pothole is landing a job in Sweden, I have at least gotten a few freelance jobs here which I am happy about, I do prefer a steady job, and also to get a job in Sweden. It doesn't have to be the dream job now, but a job that lets me jump into this pool and swim my way up to the dream job or grow within the job position. I dont ask for much really besides to be semi healthy, that my cats are ok, family and friends are safe, and to land a job to be with the one I love. I dont have to be in the same city, a train ride away is a great luxury as opposed to traveling 16,000+miles to see him. But I am not complaining since I would do anything to go and see him and be able to see him smile its worth it!

everything in time I know and so far things are moving slowly forward I am ready to run when its time and full force I will again. I wait for now when I am there...

aging

looks like I am finally aging again, i noticed it today as I put on makeup, I seem to age really slow i noticed unless I am under lots of stress like when I was in first round college from 2003 - 2005 the pictures show a major difference... then i resorted back to looking really young again... 14 to be exact. I always looked younger but at one point when I was 14 I looked older. Strange stuff! Well anyway I still look 14 but I think I am more along 18 or 16 now.

but today it dawned on me that maybe i should take care of myself, but not for me since i rather looks older and get the respect i deserve instead of
"hi little girl, where is your mother"
"i am 24 years"
"oh..(akward pause) i am so sorry you look so young. Its a great thing to look young you know"
"umm no its not because people first talk down to me and its not worth"
I walk off...

I dont mind the 8 strands of grey hair I have its fine but no one really see's it unless i point it out. But grey is beautiful overly wrinkled on my face no... but I am not ther but I guess I can start to care for me.... maybe

even though I have a 2in(4cm) burn mark on my arm.... blah

occasional photography job

I got a occasional photography job through one of the many staffing agencies I am signed up for! I am very excited I did my first shoot today with the UofH Athletics Director. And two more to do on thursday, so I am very excited about this its not much money in bang but its something and something more to add to my resume/CV so thats always a great thing!

so thats my good luck recently

yea its like that

esp if my crush/love is there I am under that trap in a heartbeat!
<3

thinking about web cams

I have had a web cam since I was in jr. high not sure if it was 6th or 7th grade. But I have always used one but it did stop at one point and then back to them last year. I have used them for talking to family or friends or making lil animation gifs. Those were the days, now its just to communicate with friends that are far away now.

It's the closest I have to seeing my friends from afar and it always makes me happy to see them in the web cam instead of waiting to see them, but still a real life hug is much better. plus i get to hear them and we talk for hours and show whats around us and all its very much a calm connection feeling.

wish i had more money to travel and see them too,but for now the web cam will work.

Get VD with NGS in Finland in September! + other tour dates