questioning again

I question if I am good in design anymore... am i good enough, or have i reached a peak(even if i dont feel I have), why do i feel like I am never good enough. Its not envy its just saddness like I am just worthless. I try and try and get told I am good on and off but it has not landed me another job. Then I look at others work and then look at mine and wonder why cant I shine, everyone is shiny but me. Im not good at anything other than art, i have a passion with it, I like my work until it is next to anyone else's then I think why did I even bother. It really started to bother me tonight for some reason, but it bothered me enough to cry over it and wonder where has my life gone why is it at a stand still??

I wonder if I should look into another career... but I know I wont be happy... but it might pay the bills better. Im sitting in my coffin again, I was away for so long I cant lie down just yet, but I sit in it... but its not bringing me comfort.

what now? what do i do with myself?

just thoughts

random thoughts about how we function as people the dominate and submissive traits that clash but yet ying yang each other. How I only go out mostly at night here and in europe im out at anytime. How is been finally cooler weather instead of the oven heat. How this lip ring was in the way when i touched his lips... to keep it or not. how this recession is strange, there is jobs but too many of us applying everywhere. We are drowning in our own overpopulation lack of money society. How my cats are, kai has the heart murmur and its a worry on my mind all the time. Money I need more money to do this task. I want a job but I cant work retail, I am way to angry for it and the pay wont be as high. I miss my previous income that was nice and I was going to be ok until i got laid off. Why is there not enough jobs, how do people just live on unemployment and do nothing, I cant. I like this class so far its fun but a bit annoying at the same time. I need more training, need to sign up for the free classes offered by the agency. Must get better at flash, web, and whatever else i need to be a Media Specialist so I can be at the top of the game. Video is a must now as well, i want to learn but not sure i can do it, I have the photographic eye, but i question it. I want to heal him, make him healthier with my love. i love him. Strange thoughts how i know certain stuff and how much I observe but I dont remember learning or observing. Are we born with the secrets of the universe and lose them as we are born since we are already dying each second? kids are cute, will i be a good mother, when will my maternal clock stop, im worried i wont make it in time but its nothing to rush about. why does everything cost so much, and living in the US has become much harder than in other countries. Why is it even free if its not really. what am i doing in this pause on my life that I did not want to pause but i still cant be ungrateful since lots of good has come out of it as well. I need to go out walking my legs demand it when I am out, but I dont know where to walk and why. I attract talkers no matter where I go and I try not to be rude but at the same time i rather not get killed. I have so much more to live for now that he is around. Trying to eat healthy in a house that rarely eats any veggies. I miss my own place allot more than i was aware of ever. I cant help but to keep looking at apartments and housing stuff in swedish websites. How do i leave, when everything is paused around me. when will the new change come? I dont want anymore dreams of floodings but its the clue its time to move on, but how can i when everything is around is paused and not letting me go forward.

i need to shut up the thoughts and let them scramble into a dream, the key is in there but not the key to a job in sweden...

I wont give up!

IT MAKES SENSE NOW, SWEDEN WILL BE A GO!!!!
When i was little I collected Absolut ads from magazines... it inspired me to do graphics, thus being a product of Sweden and later on drinking... school project on sweden in '92.... look at that a direct path of life shown up like connect the dots!! epiphany moment at 2:51am!

So I wont give up on finding a job out there or anything I picked my place to live by accident when I was little and little did I know I would embark on a path, after all i did say when i was even younger than that, that my other was on the other side of the world. Its all adding up connect the dots, follow the yellow brick road to sweden.

its always feels good when I can find an answer and a hope.

just blogging

just been sick and missing stockholm allot. This is not home here, and it doesnt seem to want me here either. The people want me here but this place is just isnt home and hasnt been the same since I left almost 7 years ago. Seems like it was longer, but its not at all or maybe not enough for me? Either the job hunt seems endless and drowning me in its sea of unemployment. I am drowning with so many people right now the ocean is a sea of faces we are in hell, burning for whatever sins we have caused and when one is pulled out into the work again they have paid for their sins. Those who drown even more are gone forever trapped and faded away from this earth. Every little chance or hope I get that may lead to a new job just is another shut door in my face. Why are doors shutting? I know that when the time is right I will get the job, but 6 months of no job is too much for me, its strange.

I cant really complain since its my first summer since 7 years that I dont really have much to worry about besides classes. And I was able to see Stockholm and go to the beach, should go more often, and catch up on the years of missed sleep. But I dont like to be unproductive, but still trying to occupy my time. Still it seems I have lost interest in allot of things as well.

hopefully this recession moves on by faster since it seems to have taken away so much more than just money.

Random adventures that will last a lifetime of memories to make me smile upon and be happy about. Its all about exploring and finding the beauty in everything. Taking in every breathe as if it were my last, a clam sensation that is overwhelming but ok, I want to breath it in and take it all in at once to fill my soul with happiness. The joy that has been missing is here and the realation is here... but how do I get here when I am stuggling to get here...

time is not playing fair

Master of Reality

http://www.myspace.com/violentdivine