It seems that if I don't drink or work with people anymore I don't get invited out. I see the pictures of the parties I get left out, even if kids are allowed.

I wonder why and how did I get so screwed with these fake friendships? Seriously why me? I was always there for them, you can call on me and I would be there... Still would. But nothing, as if I am non existent.

Sometimes I feel like its Alice and I against the world. Or that I am alone, with my family only. Mom and dad I mean.

I wish things would change in that aspect, I deserve and miss having a close friend nearby....

This Mother's Day it's just Alice and I alone. But I was able to spend medicos Mother's Day date with my dad. That was great.

Where has the value of friendships gone?

Something my mother said really struck a chord in my life. It not only shook it but also brought up old wounds.  She pointed out and said you had so many friends and not a single one ever visits you since you had your baby. Yep its been 4 only not including the baby shower. and excluding distant friends. In reality no one has visited me since I got married really. I used to get visitors all the time while in college like I was some BnB. I was always the visitor, getting called to go keep a friend company at home or a bar. Few times to go eat with them. 

I seem to always be the one to call on for a favor, help or to listen. I would get late calls or even while I was broke to please come join them. And there I would drive out to hang out and listen.  A few times to pick up a drunk friend. But I had to give that call once.

But anytime since after marriage that I would throw a party or invite people out or ask them to join me since I was having a rough time... I was told excuses why they couldn't come to me. My birthday parties where a bunch of lies after 21 people said they would come and a list of 40+ and only 8-10 would show up and one year it was only 5. People who once called me their friend... but I really wasnt it seems. 

Then there are those who just randomly stop talking and your not sure what the hell happend . but you move on wondering why? Closure is a luxury not always given it seems.


Where has the value of friendships gone? 
Why is it so common to have more acquaintances and an abundance of betrayers? 
Or toxic friends? 
Or the users? 

Where is the value? 
Where is the devotion and forever friends? 
Or those you can count on always?


A child knows when to disregard a person who is not genuine. A baby will cry when near a person who is not genuine. How do we loose that intuition to tell who will be one to trust always and one to walk away from.

Yes we need those horrible people at times to teach us who not to be or not to become. Or to grow as a person. But so many there is an overflow of these people and they need to back off.

But the reason it also stung is that I see my mother get calls/visits from friends all the time. Some days I want quiet times at the house or for no one to call while I am trying to have an outing with her. Or even talk to her at dinner instead of listening to her talk to other. But what most amazed me is a friend of hers that she has known for over 20 years helped out to take my grandmother to the hospital for some tests. The fact that the ones who help out dont question dont ask for a return in favor. they know its for a sense of community and helping out one another. And yes that hey maybe I can call her later for help if I do need it.

Or is the demographic location and cultural differences? Hispanic verse american? Or how they where brought up?

It seems I have more closer friends with those from other countries and other states, and few within the state. I know way more closer within 5 miles of myself and yet those people dont call or visit once. I did run into an old friend, we were the best of friends and then she stopped talking to me. I ran into her and of course I wasnt mean, i have so many memories with her but I know it could never go back to that... and that it can only be friendly exchanges.

I will get a random call from someone asking something and I disregard it, I stopped throwing parties and stopped celebrating my birthday. I dont need anymore disappointment from others. no thanks.

But sadly i only seem to attract those who want to leech off of me. Although my father says that I may have yet those who will stay my friends forever. In counting its 4.

 nothing I can do but just rant and keep going...

Chapter two

My darling Alice,

Its been 3 months since I kicked out your father for lack of love/trying/caring for you. It has been up and down with stress of working and being a mommy. Otherwise its been great, our health is better and we especially you have been surrounded by love and affection.

Its the life I wanted for you, full of love and attention and many arms that want to cuddle and hug you all day long. There is an infinate plethora of love for you. For there is no greater joy than being your mother.

I promise to do all that I can! And I have left my stressful job to focus on you. Today I was given a compliment "no ha visto nadi mas que queria a su hija como tu" I have not seen anyone else love their daughter as much as you do. It warmed my heart and soul.

This is the right path my tiny dreamer
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