long time no see

It has been since 2015 since I made my last entry. There has been so much that has happened and not all good.

As a mother and female I have  been growing, expanding my soul, acquiring more patience and watching her grow up. I am able to witness how we learn and how the mind puts peices together. I am been gifted to witness it before my very eyes daily. there is not a moment she is not learning and achieving.

I also had to go through with my family see the house flood. All the important items, documents and furnishings destroyed. As well as trying to save photographs that had no negatives to reprint. The ripping of 6ft pieces of sheet rock. Family, friends and Neighbors helping each other help salvage the house structures. Red Cross providing water and meals, also churches giving lunches and not caring what religion anyone was but a lunch made with love and hope. Everyone worked together as a village and not a community. Hugs and tears and frustrations all shared. Together we moved forward watching small mountain piles of what was once a house on the sidewalks. Broken items, water damaged beds, toys, shelves, clothes and so much what grows within a home as we age. All ages affected here there was no room for religion, age or status. We all were damaged within our house by the very source that helps give us life. But we are still moving along from this damage and the year since it flooded is soon. April 18.

As usual I have made and disconnected friendships, something that is more than normal. It is truly peculiar to experience and watch unravel like a written book that has blank pages full of uncertainty. But at the same time I have lost interest in caring. People come and go and if they cant stick around that is fine too. Until another time but the strings of fate thin and break, but the memory remains. Memories are good and enough for me nowadays.

I have expanded and slowed down my Graphic Design/Photography Business, Sewing Business and now I am looking into making a home baker cookie business. Keep expanding my traits and my passion for art.

I am afterall a tree of my own creativity, I expand in all directions. But more complex than the syntax in my brain.

hopeful heart

My heart has been revived and at peace, 

it feels nice to be this calm. 

It is a lake that is getting filled 

moderately fast with happiness.

it looks like a river of blood,
but it is a river of life
and happiness

for the color of love is red

once fallen and empty the heart

continues to grow and reshape.
my heart is not the same but
it is learning always
but willing to learn for more

more love and more hope.

falling apart again...

No one is perfect. Some flaws we accept and others we look away from. But the ones we can't handle we walk away from. No one is perfect. He has a sunny outside and possible a demon to hide but all demons need to be tamed anyway. Im nice but with a monster rage of a temper when pushed. I am also a crybaby. I am a demon with a angels heart.  The heart sings a song out and sometimes another heart sings the same song and nothing can stop that song no walls, devices, internet or even oceans apart.

My heart has been ripped, cut, torn , blended to hell and back. It barely holds a form. Something about mi sol knocked out all of my walls and exposed my heart. That is rare. And something that rare needs a chance. 

Mi Sol could be a stepping stone, he showed me I can still fall hard like the first time and it is possible one day I can fall in love. If it rips more, oh well I pick it back up but this time with confidence that I can love behind the demon exterior. If it works out then good. He already made my heart skip beats feel alive , since my depression i gave up playing the guitar. Last week when my heart fluttered the most i craved to play the guitar again and music filled my soul the first time in 8 years. I started drawing a bit more. But even the sadness fueled me to sew a ton of projects.

I need and want that balance of a single person filling me with creative desire. a muse but also a lover is the holiest combination gift from god. I am willing to bet you aren't even aware how hard you have tangled my heart strings. But its my fault for giving into the sweetness. I put my walls up again with a heavy heart hoping and waiting for him to show up from behind wrapping me up in his sunny embrace. But I can not hold my breathe either.

.:Mi Sol:.

I am but the night's moon light in your presence watching you from the among the stars. That beautiful glow gleaming life into the lands. That beautifully adorned smile soothes the hearts of many and they smile back upon your smile. Like a sweet kiss dipped in gold. 

Every night I pause to admire your gorgeous soul that glimmers with happiness within your smile. That smile, I touch my lips wondering if I could just kiss it at least once. And knowing that I will not be satisfied with just one kiss. 

Mi Sol, i feel in love with you, without even knowing I did.

been a while

it has been a while again since I sat down and blogged, I have been blogging about anime via an anime community app. It has been fun but I do think I should come back here.

Lots has gone on, I am turning 31 soon my daughter will be 3 as well.

Time is progressing forward so much the past is just a blur and almost like a lost dream in a haze of lack of sleep. Motherhood is interesting but I could use more sleep. Said every mother ever.

I have made some new friends and already semi lost some due to them being unnecessarily rude. Nothing out of the ordinary when making online friends. Just not in the mood to deal with any drama. I have managed to clear it out of my life by 90%.


Halloween is coming up and I look forward to it the most!

My dreams are more hopeful

The most random dream to occur, was Me and 4 children trying to get ready to go on an adventure. My Daughter, toddler twins and a 6 month old baby all being carried in my arms/back. My daughter looks to be 5 also. That is a quality of a supermom. I could hear my future partner calling out to us, all 5 of yell a form of yesssss.

It made me smile to awake from thinking some how after all that has passed that a happiness could await Alice & I. She would have more siblings and a future father figure who knows how to love. The fact that I would be covered in so much love almost seems like a dream only.

Then as I woke up the reality hit me, I could not even imagine the mess 5 kids will make at all ages! Of course I laughed.

But what if somehow I have set in motion already the possibility of that path? Like a innder clockwork clogs shifting for the first time in years, grinding off the dust into a smooth rhythm.

Onwards we go!

I said it, no going back

I finally posted it about how dead tired I am of people saying "lets hang out" and yet never picking a day when I ask them when they are free. They just never reply again or say it at another time.

DEAD TIRED OF IT

that is not friendship, you make time to message at least once a week or few weeks. Those are just random acquaintances and they needed to be called out.

I already had deleted a ton of contacts off my cell just because they don't message back or hey they haven't sent 1 single message in over a year. Yep that is an obviously not a friend. This is not the time when keeping in touch was harder to do, not the 40's people. Instead there are oodles of way to stay in touch via text, email, social media, chat apps that don't use up text messaging, video chats and good ole snail mail.

Not sure why people don't value friendship more or just pretend to be a friend. I don't get it.

but because I am tired of it, I am not trying to keep in touch at all, no more bothering. I refuse to invite anyone out anymore since no one keeps their word on showing up. I am better off asking strangers to join me.

At least i have those who close to me even if we are far apart, and the new friends on the anime community. Daily talks, imagine that!

but fully pulling all those strings people tried to keep on me have been severed off,
no more, no thanks.

stress from all sides

stress attacks from all sides that are visible and invisible.
it is not funny anymore, I'm surprised I have hair to be honest.
Worst part it is not all from me, its coming from others, and not
in little bits, it is radiating and fuming out like toxic misma.

worst part, I can't get away from it. The year started out good,
but another obstacle had to pop up. Guess I am not the soul to
have too much good, its forbidden, as if I were an anonymity.

I dont get why, but I have to keep pushing through with tears
staining my face and feeling hopeless. no one will save me
anyway, I have to push for her and them.

what else can I do besides nothing.

random discussion turned into an entry

So I am on an anime app community, its great there is a massive base of sharing new, old, topics about anime and just open up to finding anime easier. As compared to how it was in the 90's.

but the discussion was how there is much more ecchi in anime's & mangas. So much that it is taking over on some shows and the storyline becomes very lacking, or absent, I was trying to reassure another user that it will tone down again since it seems to be a cycled trend. So here is a bit of history:

Ecchi is slang for lewd or lascivious conduct, as as as dirty or naughty behaviors within anime/manga. 
While watching manga growing up ecchi was not so present in the majority, it was quite tame actually. But there were a few that were overload almost crossing into the hentai realm. But then it died down by the late 1990's since anime industry broke into the mainstream and established itself very well known into the Stated and internationally. But at the same time in 1992 Anime18 became established for the hentai industry. But there has always been nudity in anime it just wasn't censored in Japan. If anything full nudity is within series with stronger storylines and it was looked passed and not censored, some include Cute Honey, Ranma 1/2,  Neon Genesis Evangelion, which were quiet tame compared to Ninja Scroll, Devil Hunter Yohko, and many more that broke into the states with Manga Entertainment.

Between 1970's till 2005 no censorship, no issues no complaints about anime and manga's with ecchi scenarios. But in 2006 semi censored anime pop up, with just suggested scenes, it was there but covered up or blocked within the frame, but there were plenty of anime's not joining in. But the nipple-less breast did become more popular to get away with more nudity and ecchi shots. By now it has created ecchi to be fading out from being so taboo. It's not really so bad as it seems, its just an abundance of breasts bouncing, tight/revealing clothing that is shown in adult theme angles, and of course grabbing each other.

So while this in mind ecchi comes and goes in waves of how popular it is among the younger viewers and how desensitized we become to it as well. But no matter what the young the anime the more cutesy style ecchi it tries to keep it, which is fine compared to how it shows up in the older anime's it was like watching a cheap gore horror movie, overkill. But that is my opinion.

With that in mind I have seen many blog posts/discussions about Fairy Tail and one other anime having too much of ecchi into the story, the manga has way more, but remember some of these creators are grown men for the most part it is more appealing to the older guys & young guys who are inexperienced. But there are plenty of female artists as well, and well women's hormones are all over the place as well. It really can not be helped it just is the way of life.

Within the 28 years I have watched anime/manga have it's has gone from almost absent to excessive to tame. Each generation of animators and story tells will change the ecchi scenes, the next batch may tone it down again.

Blog Challenge: List your 5 favorite smells

Five Favorite Smells, in no particular order

.:One:.

The smell before the rain, as if the earth is calling for the earth and unifying with the invisible raindrops that are about to kiss the earth once again.

.:Two:.

Coffee brewing before you wake up, its intoxicating smell grabs ones face as soft as a caress of a memory.

.:Three:.

The sweet smell of ripe strawberry, it smells sugary red goodness that is ready to melt into you. Its a fluffy smell that invites you to eat it now.

.:Four:.

Aromatique's Smell of the Tree, its a saturated pine tree smell, but it smells amazing and fresh as if in a forrest of pine trees. But without the prickles.

.:Five:.

the smell of yummy food on an empty stomach!
Because everything gets intensified, you can almost smell each lovely ingredient and it just makes your stomach scream let me eat it now!

Falling behind on blogging but in reality I have been riding the good karma wave! My JewelLeen brand of handmade toys are being sold at another store online! A blogger has inquired about making a review on them.

It seems to be going well, even with no sales, but I hope that picks up! I am keeping positive about it either way since this is a big step! Plus I didnt imagine it would happen within the first year of being JewelLeen!

the good karma tsunami

How is it almost 3am! I have been working on my concepts for my children's book artwork, I finally decided where to start! But it is just the first vector before I tweak it more, and decide on the colors. The characters for that part are chosen/drawn/colorized. I just need to tweak the face of one.

Prior to that I was working on a client's photobook! Meeting soon! Im excited always to make books!

Also there is 1 more day till I go into a meeting to have my toy designs sold with another vendor in their store! I meet them at a show we were both selling and they also purchased from me! So that is beyond awesome to be picked up like this and to test these waters! Moving forward even more in this skill makes me happy!

I also got requested to do an interview for the freelance site I am on, and according to them not even 1% of the account holders get this privilege, that has me feeling very blessed and screaming yesssssss! Plus holding back tears! 6-8 weeks till it goes live!

GO Go go!
keep the good karma tsunami going!
No need to slow down, just keep running forward
and if a wall tries to go up, I need to jump it or run vertical!
the time is now!

Time Shift or Shifted Fates?

Every once in a while now since the blog challenges I have unearth the net to find topics. At least to consider writing about or at least sit in my mind and engage into thoughts.
This one hit me on many levels, it was a turning point, a shift in time to where I am now, or shifted me from my fate.

"That thing that happened in high school that pretty much changed your life forever"

Now it is cliche to say that everyone changes in highschool since it is a transitional time, but it is typically for the better, but what about those unfortunately becomes a setback?

It was a setback for sure, and although I am over it it has cause the issue of trust, lack of trust, not wanting to trust. What is the point of trust somedays I wonder?

Trust
noun: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
"relations have to be built on trust"
"good relationships are built on trust"

Good relationships, what if you have all those relationships wiped out in an instant? Where does that lead one towards? Good question I still wonder that from time to time, but it is less scrutinized overall.

I was dating this guy that not many wanted to date but I did and I put him into my circle of friends who it seems they were building stronger relationships with each other, and probably leaving me out of group. But it wasn't apparent till I broke off that relationship. They ' know or ask me why either. But I did because he pulled me by my hair and tried to accuse me of something ludicrous. I was angry and decided the next day it was over. So I ended my relationship wit him. But 2 of my closest friends, people who I had known since Elementary and jr. high, and who I figured I would stay friends with for the rest of my life. They turned the tables on me, they comforted the ex too much and turned friendships against me to side with the ex, not a few years of friendship I m talking about 8 years of friendships. But it wasn't instant, they waited till I was approached by another guy and dated month later. Falseness in the works. I was basically friendless for a year and half the last years of high school. Those that were acquaintances came to comfort me, I didn't expect it, and made me realize to never ever overlook people's kindness.

But I put an iron wall in between me and everyone.

Then I find out while in college those "friends" were after the ex and even slept with him. What was the point of the betrayal only to date/fuck/benefit with him? Shouldn't they had just been glad it was over and moved on? I could of cared less if they dated him after it was over, but no they had to make an issue. Strange logic.

So the wall is up and everytime I do let it down I get hurt even more, makes no sense. And since that incident I attack fakes and bad people as I am the flame and they are the parasites after it.

It is not all bad I have found/meet a handful which I can call friends and talk to frequently.

high school is strange, love and envy is worse.