Random thoughts of my past

I have this lilac quilt, it's plain but it keeps me warm. I have had since my second apartment. When I was able to get out of my abusive relationship,  I had no bed, I had sheets and a cheap cover and this quilt that broke my budget. But I needed it and I still have it.

I would lay my covers first on the floor, then sheets then quilt, for a month I had no bed, I slept on the floor with my two kitties. 

I only had a bookshelf, tv, lamp, desk or furniture. I've come a long way up and fallen twice, had two exs keep my furniture since they were greedy. I had a house full of furniture once.

Now I'm down to a bed, end table, bookshelf, 2 dressers, my daughters bookshelf, changing table and a crib, rocker/glider and cat tower. It's more than I had in 2004, but less than 2007. It could be worse I could bed less with my daughter... But it's not. And this quilt continues to cover us, I hope it last for many more years. Since a few months ago I had to trash a quilt that was 29 years, I developed a rash from it. I'm 28, it had a great run. Now it's this lilac quilt turn... 9 years in counting.

Still thinking

Yesterday I loaded photos to my photography page. But prior to it I had to rummage digital through old photos. 

I came across pictures of him and I, my heart broke in echo. 

I could see my self so in love and vibrant, I could hear his false I love you's, I could feel the breeze from the streets in Stockholm. I could feel the pain reaching up to my neck to choke me. I stared like a ghost looking into a window of a world of once was, a place that is not meant for me.

I stared at all the places we traveled together, the relationship was something from a dream, and there was love and care, all the right words were said when together... Two souls meant to be together. So I thought and felt, my live for him was raw and purest real. But it was not meant to be and even worse since he got engaged less than 3 months later....

I haven't loved like that again, but instead it's stronger a purer now, since I found out I was becoming a mother. I looked at my daughter as she clutches my night gown while she slept peacefully. She would of been someone else if that relationship didn't end, I wouldn't be here in this bed. I kissed her head, she is my world now.

But a broken heart will echo over and over when it's around the source of pain...

Not sure

I am not sure what to do or change.

I have no luck in

- selling artwork traditional or design

- selling jewelry

- getting photoshoots even if I am going at a low price of $150

- cant get any clients for graphic design either lately

Nothing I do seems to work or sell, am I doing something wrong or am I that horrible?

I see others having better luck while I have nothing. I promote and share and post in different areas but nothing and the ones who do want something, want it for free. What kind of crap luck is this that I am having????

The worst part those who I have done stuff do not refer me either, I stopped doing free stuff too. Few friends do help but even then I am in a rut. 

I want out of this rut!