The only times I have ever felt pretty is when my hair has pink or magenta tones! I absolutely HATE HATE HATE HATE having normal hair. But since I had yo come back home and no luck at getting another good job it has been forced to stay normal and worse I get called ugly by the one who should be supportive.

Instead while i feel prettiest i get verbally attacked that I look ugly, I need to grow up and be a real woman with normal hair... 

HAIR color has NOTHING to do with being a woman. I am responsible, hard worker, great budgeter, can clean/cook. I have 1 college degree and know 3 languages and even a mother. I am honest, superveb time managment skills, non prejudice, unjudgmental. 

This falls into the people who ste judmental and cast all stones to those who are not cookie cutters... 

Ugh

Seriously missing my beautiful pink/purple/black :(

music to the core

Most people will tell you they can't live without music or that it feeds their souls or such things. But not me, it once soothed my soul and lifted my spirits or engulfed me in a warm embrace with words of others who had felt the same. As if all humans crosses these paths that linked to pain, joy and rage, like a moth to the flame.

Music is for love, for souls, hope, heartbreak and many more emotions we associate not only is it the twist of the words but the lucid sounds of the instruments strumming and banging away to reach to us. A melody of life or a lullaby of death...

I closed my soul off to music years ago after one of my hardest heart breaks. He was a musician, he knew the right words to say to lift and fill a soul. Hell a whole album was dedicated to our love... in the end the relationship ended as the score/song ended. It began in an adagio then into a powerful ballad then ended in a low grave of silence. Since that day my soul calloused shut out all music. I could hear it, I can remember memories but it did not move me, nor lift me or feed my imagination toward musings. Nothing it became the regular static noise everyday then slowly music became largo and has stated in the state of largo.

But every once in a while there are very few song; ones I haven't heard in ages, although trapped in my plethora of songs in my ipod. That will rip through my soul like beams of light and energize a corpse part of my soul and in that moment I am invincible in thought and musings. If I am lucky a cluster of songs will have that power and everything is well in my soul, heart and mind. But then there are the few that are spread out and act like strong heartbeats of life grasping to come out and be freed to listen to music once more as if it were my oxygen.

But it is not often, and I harden my soul once more. I dont do it on purpose it just sort of happens, one of many life goes on lessons to leave things in the darkness of the past. Or just a mechanism to save what is left of a crushed soul to keep going and not be swept into the void of nothing.

More languages please

I love hearing lots of different languages in one setting. I rather hear a multitude of languages than traffic noise or junk conversations.

I currently know 3 languages: English, Spanish & Swedish.
But I know bits of Japanese and minut french. Japanese all because of the tons of Anime I watched when I was younger, more than 20 years of hearing it and I never went to properly go learn it. Shame but I am looking at classes (with no money to enroll) but I would love to make it my 4th language to learn.

Sure I have not mastered Swedish or even Spanish and being a hispanic. But I realized long ago even if English was the first that stuck there are a multitude of words I am still not familiar with either, words that are just lost or being 1st generation in Texas with my parents there will always be words I wont ever hear.

Dont get me started on how many times I get scolded for not knowing words in Spanish by my family members, but how can I possibly know a word i have NEVER heard before... think about it. Rages me beyond words. I guess we take words for granted and I notice when I am explaining to my toddler but I can see when she has fully grasped a word correctly and will use it correctly. I try to speak as many words or synonyms to her as well to see what word sticks.

But speaking 2 languages gave me a leg up to learn swedish I noticed. But we are aware of the difference of languages at ages 6-10months, after that it fades and can slow down learning another language. I would make sure Alice heard english and spanish at home, but during play time I would play her japanese, french and thai cartoons and later my dad showed her russian cartoons. So she is fully aware, and one day I caught her repeating phrases from sailormoon! I was so PROUD! she wasn't using it correctly but I know it has been successful to make sure she hears many languages!

Once I can get more money/extra really I want to enroll in Japanese classes! After all I wanted to know 7 languages before I turn 50. I am about to turn 30 next week so I am not far behind my goal!

"Love, what is love? Baby dont hurt me"

love

noun1.an intense feeling of deep affection.  "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"2.a person or thing that one loves.   "she was the love of his life"

I haven't given this much thought before, but something made me randomly think about what kind of person I would be if I were ever in love again? I know what kind I was before I became a mother. I used to want someone who would love me always, want  to be near me, and want me to be part of their life. This combination was never achievable ever all 3 but one or maybe 2 at the most but it would fall apart of course.

Everyone loves differently and show its differently from what we know is true in our heart or what we see in movies/shows and what we read in books. Even as an outsider from other's relationships. It is hardly ever the same. Sure there are similar elements so we can see warning signs, move on or know to stay in that relationship. This has always been true to me and also what has given me a red flag to know when someone was worth the fight or not.

But since I became a mother, my perception is blank... I cant see it or even think about how it could be or even imagine it, even in my dreams it feels a bit empty, emptier than a blank canvas. At least with a canvas I can see the image before and draw it to life.  As a mother I finally have my lil love who wants me always near by, in her life and loves me always even when she is kicking me in her tantrum and is ok if I am gone for an hour. She loves to hold onto me while she sleeps or have a foot on me kicking me in her sleep. But it is love, a love that fills my heart and silences everything around me that worries me. It is a love that I have longed for all my life and past lives, it is fulfillment at it's best!

With that filled I don't feel like I am missing more, or someone. But there are days of course where I do missing someone else telling me that they love me and wanting to hold me or my hand. I have progressed backwards to the basics of needs of another. But it is not a strong urge either it just hangs around like a ghost somedays.

And it has only picked up since I have been reading and rewatching old anime show's I watched while growing up, it has awoken the thought who would I be if I ever fall in love again? I wont know that me anymore, that is a shadowy stranger sitting in my future it is a strange feeling. Like I will be slipping on a suit to reach a new level of myself. 

But in my dreams the simplest of the needs are focused on in my dreams, the way my hand is held or the warmth from being pulled into the person's arms... 

love is such a strange emotion with no bounds no shape it free flowing as if water veins connecting and crossing and then flowing solo again... I am lost on a small boat with my daughter protecting my lantern heart...