more than your title

I am more than the title of a graphic designer, I also do photography. But at this job I also do inventory, accounting like tasks, manage the website and data entry. But at other jobs I also have been the organizer, cleaner, production coordinator, team worker, stocker, sales person, call person, book keeper, key holder, and much more. Job wise that is I am more than just a female worker I am all of it like some putty I can be flexible and adapative, I was made to work.


I am more than the title of a lover, also a monster. I also am a nurse, cleaner, cooker, organizer, budget finance, healer, listener, problem solver, and a cure. But also I have been a friend, partner, team worker, nagger, worrier, partner in mischief, drinking buddy, the shoulder to cry on, wardrobe coordinator, pick up after you, pet giver, secretary, and key holder to your heart. I am the monster for yelling back, arguing, walking away, crying, becoming selfish at times, telling you not to drink. I am more than kist a female lover I am all like a rag doll there to comfort and to be disregarded, I was made to love with the right person, other wise I am an empty doll.


I am more than the title of cat owner, more like owned by 5 cats. I am also the servant who brings the soft food, fetches the toys, cleans the litter box, brushes the hair, cleans up the mess and vomit, keeps the water fresh and clean, provides the food, and has windows, boxes, sleeping places, and toys. But I am also the loving human who cares for them when they are sick, happy, sad, mad, or having crazy running around moments, the scratching post, the one to scratch and bite. I am just a female who loves her cats and do anything for them since they really do need me.

/end random thoughts

working

after 11.5 months I finally have a job. But I do question it at times, I still am wishing to get a job in Stockholm, home is there, but my heart's home is elsewhere but hopefully with fate lining up I can be there and my heart will be content.

I really do miss being in Stockholm, I keep dreaming of being there just walking mostly but still I am there in my dreams and that is a piece of clam and home.

so back to the job, I am a product photographer shooting diamonds and genuine gemstones making them look fake like the trend is with the high end jewelers. I dont care for that style at all since it involves a lot of editing and why make it look so fake that when you buy it... its nto the same. A disappointment in my eyes. I did one ad, and the other one got given to the other person they normally out source. Makes no sense why hire me and then dont give me work that I have a degree in.

I am grateful I have a job but I still feel unworthy and useless since I am not being used for my potential, and I know I have allot more to show... but my wings are strapped down and not clipped.

makes no sense.

thoughts

can you come to me?
lay with me
hold my hand through it all
always kiss me no matter what
can you always be there like you said?
run to me
hold my head up from drowning?
save me from myself?
can you always be there like you said?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
will it all fade out
I am long gone in the dirt
drowning in my tears
the ground below me turns to mud
filling my lungs with the filth I was meant to carry
to never be good enough,
to be another burden in your eyes
a rusty nail in my heart
I cant pull it out
i am getting tired of it all
when will it be too much again
trapped in my hell
is it worth the trouble?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
relive the dream over and over
but I am just another bad dream for you
close your eyes again and sleep me out of your mind
shut me out like I never existed
just your fantasy gone wrong

false hope for you and I
false hope wont fix this dream
dream me out of your life
dream dream me out of your life

wake up and turn over
shake me out of your mind
im just another bad dream for you
nothing more
nothing less

Im there when you sleep
I am gone when you awaken
I live in your mind at night
you cant let me go
wondering where the fantasy went wrong

false hope for you and I
false hope wont fix this dream
dream me out of your life
dream dream me out of your life
dream dream me
dream dream me out
dream dream me to death

i am

employed first day tomorrow. Lets see how this goes after 11 months of being jobless. Of drowning in the unemployment hell.

but I am drowning to drown else where

the last love

have i told you enough that i love you?
or repeated that i miss you so much?
or that I can not imagine life without your love?
but I dont want to ever imagine that again
your love is beautiful

our love is sacred
with our love we breathe life into each other
with our kisses we electrify each other
with our touch we spin the butterflies in our stomaches
with our eyes our souls melt
with our love making we melt into one

there is no other love like this for us
this is the beginning to it all
that is a dream come true
this is the story tale love
then our future begins
as the last love

Dammed and Blessed

All within 5 minutes. I walk to get my Nikon D50 and I try to take a pitcture with out really looking at my camera. And when it wont let me and I look at it to behold the crack of death and the card reader wont work. I freak out change lens and cards hoping it still works... and nothing.

Oh the death of my camera! I begin to cry and freak out! I text my dad and he says we could try to get it fixed. But there is no Nikon approved repair shops, and with this damage I can see on it, it would cost more than the camera cost me. I love this camera so much, sure it was going out of date with 6MPX but it took 20,000+ pictures taken with this camera in 4 years. I figured I would always have it working with me even when I was able to get another.

But not it died on the Day of the Dead.

So I go online and look to see what I could possibly afford on a no budget. And hoping Billmelater.com would let me put another charge since I use them and pay over my amount and on time. Hoping I could get a camera, and I look at all the Nikons and look at a D90, D5000, & D3000 and compare them and noticed it was either the D90 or D5000. They were close in comparison but had had some spec differences, and I preferred the D5000. I go to a site to see what bundle sales they had and I tried it and I got approved.... I got approved! And for a Nikon 5000 12.3MXP I can afford the payments on this! Well somewhat but I will make it work.

so dammed one minute with a broken camera thats my life... and blessed 3-4 minutes later with a new camera. life is strange but I am most grateful!

I will shadow box my Nikon D50 with a few pics I took with it.

I still love my D50 <3