I have been working so much, two jobs to three then to two and now at one job. it eats up my time to do anything creative on the side, but its a paycheck and it pays bills and food. but just no time to jot down my ideas, or creations. I did sew a cat pillow for my coworkers bday. I put with some crazy stress last month at work and saw mutiny within the office. Now I am entering the chaos of photographing a catalog again, its fun but at the same time getting up early at the crack of dawn is not idle for me as I get older. I noticed that in my late teens and early twenties i was able to go without sleep quite a bit, but now its harder to as I age. Every time I wake up its as if I am weaker.

How can someone tell me they love me but at the same time majority of the actions done contradict it?

Why is it that work all weekend and the one i want to be with makes plans to be with others for 3 days straight....

How come i keep getting hurt
How come i am not strong enough to kick him out. I can let go...

I dont get why i must keep getting hurt....

purge

is that time again I need to purge people out of my life. It seems like it since I notice more and more how much more people are distant. Yes I am very busy this time and this year more than others but I must pay the bills but I try and make time for others who just blow me off, what is the point? again really it seems to always be happening and nothing is changing in this motion of flakes. How do I escape the cycle of this.... good question since I thought I had done it.... now it seems that was a lie. nothing I can do it seems but to purge people out again and some must be re-purged. even if loosing some might be sad it may just need to happen....

RIP my kaos

KAOS
april 3, 2003 - august 20, 2011

depression so deep, i need all my kitties from 5 to 4 and it feels lonely here.

Slept since 8pm yesterday and woke up to post then back to bed and woke up at 2pm.

I puked when I came back from taking Kaos to get cremated, they gave me a clay paw print and booklet with a pin to remember him by... but my heart shattered... 3 days to a week to get his ashes back to me.

6pm.... i was outside reading my textbook and I come inside to post my answer for class, when I here a noise near the table and there is kaos shaking going into a seizure, I grab his little face and stroke his body and tell him i love him its going to be ok just come back to me.... he keeps shaking and then i noticed his tongue slipping, i start screaming frantically, no dont die please dont. I scream for bobby 4 times and he comes in on my last scream, but kaos is gone by then. I felt his lief slip out from my hands.

i couldnt handle it so i went to sleep around 8pm only to wake up again and puke water and blood. I pass out again to realize i am one cat-less today. deep pain in my heart.

I remember when I first saw kaos at my husband at the times moms house. He was too young to take with me and I had a wedding and honeymoon to go on. I look at him and said I will come back for you when I come back, your my 4th kitty.

And I did I came back for him, so happy to have a second black kitten, I loved him and his crazy ways os spinning in small areas and taking over my other 3 cats, all so happy together.


He is the healthiest cat I had of the 5, always so swet but a bit distant. I always had to pounce him to be able to hug him and kiss and pet him. He learned in time that I was going to love him anyway. But he never really let me take pics with him he would run form me, I have 5 or less pics of us together but way more of just him and the family together.

He never looked amused when I took pictures, but he was most active when we played and chased and ate soft food. He had this thing about not being far from me at all. He was quiet but always near by. Espcially when going to bed he kept my spot warm. He would always play with the sheets and bed when I made it. Scratched up he bed real bad but its ok Iet him be koatic... after all his name is kaos now and forever.

so with a heavy heart it hurts to loose him but at least i got to say goodbye and tell him i love him before his last breathe... i pray for his little soul to meet me in heaven. i love my kaos.

over run by work

I am being over run by work, but I am working. I went 3 years with out work... a coworker told me well you learned to survive on minimal but you survived. And yea he is right I did with the help of my parents and friends. Without them I would of crumbled faster.

But then again who gets a divorce and gets laid off and looses insurance within the same month???? Me....

Now I am swamped with lots of work and overtime. but I have my own office and I can pace the room if I get frustrated and that is nice. I havent decorated it but have 2 things that are mine in a corner but I am ok with not really having anything or much. Its very Zen that its not cluttered.

A new girl started this week and she is taking more the data stuff away that I had but its nice but it worries me what if she takes too much. But at the same time I am beading quite a bit and photographing and communicating with the factories and client requests. So I am busy no matter what.

the people are nice at work and that is good.

Judged

I will never apprecicate being called a hyprocrite for wearing crosses on my earrings. So what if they are black i really like my earrings.

Just because i dont activley show my religious thoughts or prayers or say i am religious doesnt mean your better than me. I choose to be silent about my ways since i dont like to impose my ways or thought. Everyone finds thier own way to god. There is more than one path.

It bothers me to the core of my soul that i have been judged and casted a stone at me. A stone from some who talked down to me when its from the same lips that say i love you.... its cruel.

just a small update

so much can go on in a few months but even in a few minutes... I have left home finally again. Since I was able to get another good job that pays decent enough to get an apartment. My cats are happy to be out of the single room and running around dominating my 668sqft apartment. I am readjusting to living in more than just a room that is my own... I truly had missed having my own space and i own it again. But I am washer/dryer less and going to the washeteria around this location is something out of a horror movie...


But since I moved out I have been walking more (dumpster isnt close plus mailbox) I have gone around close to midtown more again and I found these in a store.... they make me happy

i would like to change the core of me...

I would like to change the core of me, the deepest part of me that stores my volume on being loving and needing attention from the ones I love. Since it seems to get in the way of it all... so I would like to turn it down to a point of being numb.

so numb i cant feel it or give it.

no exbf has ever appreciated all the love and attention i give fully.... they all leave me in the end.
only friends appreciate it...

i would like to change the core of me... and be less loving and affectionate to fit the need of a loved one... but how many friends would i lose then? Since my friends claim to love how loving I am and that I care and go out of my way for them... but it seems no guy sees that. well bf/exs dont, the friends ones do...


a prayer my dad had posted and it got me thinking....
My Lord Jesus Christ, two graces I ask for you to grant me before I die: first, that I experience in life, soul and body, that pain that you, sweet Jesus, experienced in the hour of your most bitter passion, the second, that I feel in my heart, to the extent possible, that boundless love that you, Son of God, had when you offered to undergo such suffering for us sinners.

so how much pain do i have to keep feeling and it seems to be more and more. I dont want to match the pain this is too much and no one should of suffered for us sinners. Its not fair, no one deserves pains, even if it makes us grow... its damaging to the heart, mind and soul... it kills.

just some more art

I have not at all updated my deviant art.... not enough time and I enjoy the connivence of mobile loading to FB, but I must load and rescan some of my art.... one day this year :)

for the mean time here 4 drawings/Typography/Self Quotes I did last month.

there is more but its just art in progress photos....

Whimsical places

I went on saturday to photograph some of my moms work at a venue and it had a feeling of whimsical...




I will call her aileen, why? Since my name means "the light bearer" and that is exactly what she is doing... so here is a visual meaning of my name....

New Job

its been 3 weeks at my new job, I am a production assistant. I dont make like what I used to but I make more than my last 2 jobs. And I am happy at my work place since everyone there is nice and the atmosphere is very laid back but also corporate at the same time.

I do work with a ton of excel sheets and I get to photograph. I dont care for the number of meetings we have but hey it is part of the job. I did get to meet the president and owner last week since they were in town, very nice people.

So I do work 6-7 days a week now, but last 2 weeks its only been 6 days a week. Once school starts April 4th it will be more chaotic on free time.... its either full blown busy or dead bored it seems.

Toronto

I was just in Toronto, Canada, Monday-Thurs. Where I was able to spend time with a really good friend of mine. Bonding time in a chaotic time of life is always needed and while exploring a new city to me makes it even more memorable! The flight was only 3 hours long and I slept the whole way without trying. Something about planes just knocks me out ever since I started traveling to Scandinavia. But I made it all fine and started the day in snow and cold. The pictures are mixed from when I first got there and the last night together. I learned way more about amanda and so grateful for her friendship and spending time with her. We watched awesome movies and pigged out on pita bread!
Tuesday we went downtown and to the Tim Burton Exhibit!!!!! Which really was a gallery and there is so much beautiful art and I was even more inspired and realized I should of not thrown away so much art. I recommend going to the gallery since there is parts of the movies, artwork, notes and so much and private artwork collections!
I loved walking around Toronto, we walked 7.5hours on tuesday and a few more on wednesday. But its very different from home and more like a mesh of European and North American clashed but it works out so great. Plus some great random stuff on the buildings and lights. Lots of theater places as well, made me think of Sarah.
of course there was some random things too, for example the barbie ad that said "together again"... WTF when the fuck did they divorce? Where was that party and why wasn't I invited :) hahaha amused me way to much, but I do love how the lady to the left in the image came out. Then while being in HMV music store, which has mostly disappeared from Houston, the sections had themed art! I loved the Metal section! Then the famous Tim Horton Canadian coffee... sooo yummy, I got addicted! Mission accomplished by Amanda. And I have been craving it!
I really loved being there, and it was a trip very much needed, I am a transient and love to travel. But I just got a job and well I have to slow down the travel but who knows maybe I can sneak in trips. But life just turned around and I look forward to it!

red

Red is the color of passion
Red is cupid
Red is the color of seduction
Red is the devil
Red is the color of power
Red is angry
Red is the color of emergency
Red is prosperity
Red is the color of celebration
Red is joy
Red is the color of love
Red is happiness
Red is the color of desire
Red is energy

red is that color hair which is seduction
red is the color of a crush

Vday 2011

Day before Vday I made cupcakes for friends and family. First I baked the cupcakes and while I waited I cut some strawberries into heart shapes to place on some of the cupcakes. Strawberry cupcake with strawberry icing and strawberries... its an explosion of sweetness. Baked and decorated with love.


After all 31 cupcakes where made I decorated them. Different styles since I could not make up my mind.


After that I meet up with 2 good friends Kristina & Nikki, we were having drinks and cupcakes I had made. And at midnight we said happy vday to each other and gave the bartender a cupcake. Form personal thought, you do not treat anyone bad on vday, its a shitty day for so many and everyone deserves love on the loneliest day.

I go home happy and sleep and wake up to making art and feeling inspired to glue and craft. My Coffins are coming along and I am very happy with them.

halfway into the day I get invited to lunch with Nikki & Kristina. We go eat at a Japanese restaurant and while there we each get carnations. We take pictures and have lots of giggles and fun at the restaurant and a drive to the store after words. Lots of fun and then I dropped them off at home.


I then head over to see my precious goddaughter and spend some time with her and family. She has me carry her and loves her painting I made her! *Heart Melts*, then she has me put lipstick on her and me and showers us both in disney princess perfume. Good times I love her.



A great day with friends and family, the BEST vday ever and the way it should be spent! In mexico its the day of lovers and friends, so it was only right to be with friends and family.
<3

My book came in!!!!!

Yay its here and came out out beautiful i luv it!

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I give up on love

I give up on love

love is not nice to me
love causes pain onto my heart so very much
love has abandoned me.

It is not fair to me
even after many heart breaks
love thinks i deserve to suffer...

I am so full of love
But it seems all guys reject it, or use me for it...
for the moment
they take but do not give back
and when they do its pretend...

I am so tired and closing the door on my heart....

its better this way since the love of my life taught me that
I am not worth loving,
I am not worth keeping,
even when told by many others that I am perfect for them,
while they break my heart and leave me for another female...

so i close the door to my heart, maybe forever
since no one in this day and age cares for me or ever will.
no one understands that I am someone who wants and needs love
someone who will love endlessly for all eternity,
to the right person who shows love

yes i have plenty of love from friends and family
but that is not the void or shot out parts of my heart
I longed to fill again one day...
it seems i will just have to keep my tattered heart

but it seems being loving is one of my faults....

goodbye hopeless romantic, choke on your tears and stop breathing since no one will come to rescue you...

a glop of paint

As I was cleaning out my paint tray of paint and peeling the dried acrylic, I was lost in thought. Not thinking of anything particular but just almost lucid, but when I looked down I noticed I had rolled it into a heart shape ball. One look and I thought "Somehow this glop of paint left over looks like what my heart has felt this past year..."

The black showing the decay of where my heart was shot out, the purple where the bruising is trying to heal, the white from stretch marks of trying to hold onto itself in order not to rip apart. But it was and the decay has harden and molded to fill what was shot out and keep it in tact of its shape. That deadly blow that still follows within my heart, that pain that moment forever scarred into it...

so symbolic, so true as to how it looks and feel... i felt so connected to this peice of trash that resembles my heart... it is perfect for my coffin, the self one, not the bleeding one. But the one that will take a while to finish. But the heart has been immortalized but the movement of my hand. Photographing it of course with my cell since it was right there, sometimes the smallest way to move on comes even from our self trash. It is beautiful and morbid but it is a part of me. After all I live, breathe and bleed art and now I even mold it.... naturally.

leenisms at 3am

i am in between dayquil and nyquil plus halls cough drops and my mind is wondering again. Not too sure if I am coming or going to be honest. Just somewhere in some dimension where I have worked on 5 painting tasks. I painted 3 coffins,

one that bleeds and have more texture of blood on the out and inside. But I still need to make the polymer heart to place inside. The death of the heart that was so well kept and destroyed its time I bury it even deeper... but in a form of a sculpture. The other is a decorative coffin box that will have gems on it as well, for what purpose... to look good for death or just a random jewelry box. The third is my own small coffin, I have lots of work for that one but in time that will be last.

Then I made a small canvas with my goddaughters name on with emphasis on the "D" and painted the matching mini easel. Then I made her a girly canvas with a tiara that will have gems for her room. I also picked another pink painting for her room of mine. After that I started a black canvas with hands and it will have more to it but I got interrupted and not in the mood to work on it right now at almost 4am.

So i switched to digital and since my mind is just thinking...pessimism is an art when i do it. I like to place quotes with work here and there since it shows my state of mind and doesnt allow for others to think much but stare at it, judging it and trying to contradict it as well. Here is the newest one:
"I would give you my heart but your only going to break it. Love will be the death of me"



self thoughts at 3am and most of the art i do with quotes come late at night... "leenisms for your 3am coffee" should be a book.

Halloween Book for SALE

Its finally done and approved and I had time to load it, but only while I was sick of course. Coughing up my lungs is no fun but YAYNESS my book is for sale

Hold on to your Demons
$12.95

Buy it here

artness

drawing still since the first day of this year, makes me happy to draw, but I have yet to want to paint yet... but I am sick right now so no feel for anything.

I also started reading again, this break form school even though I didnt want the break but everything happens for a reason right?

hair and love

My hair has gotten so long and I haven't chopped it off yet... amazing since I don't have tolerance to have it long. But so far its ok. I do need to redye it but there is still some pink in my hair. Its been there since September... uber cool.

by the way i love my goddaughter so much! She is the light in my life! One day I will have a cute lil kid of my own but for now she is like my child <3 She may be young but I can see her attitude already and how she is like me in so many ways and how she is like her mother as well. She loves spending time with me and bossing me around also. But its cute and she is only teeny once, already growing up so fast. I remember when I carried her with only one arm.

I play with my food...

i still play with my food espcially when its already in fun shapes... my goddaughter, nephew and niece are amused by this :)

Dino chicken nuggets all warm and toasty


OH NO!!!! Dino murder scene its bloody ketchup mess!!!


they are extinct now....


:)

listening to him still aches my heart...
beautiful voice the bullet in my heart still...
you would never know "sweet blood" and other songs were about him and I...
immortalized...
just like death echoing...

I maybe stupid to go back and listen but I cant help it
it is in my music pile, and his voice is still beautiful

its been all said and done, nothing can be erased
but those beautiful moments and memories I would never erase, they were divine after all
bliss in the form of a human shape
such endless sea of love I gave and
yet i was forced to lock it into a bottle
lost inside only to look at it
like some art on a shelf

so beautiful
so dead
immortalized...
just like death echoing...

the year to draw

Since the new year has started I began to draw by hand again... a massive urge to draw whatever again. It is quiet nice to be honest, i am even forming a callus from drawing again. I had one for so many years and it went away slowly, like my soul was dying. But since the first I have drawn these and with more detail than normal, I must of gained some patience.

I have 2 canvas and 3 small coffins to paint, I will get to it soon hopefully.

I guess its like rebirth of my art start with what I started drawing, then to painting, then to mix media, to sculpting then graphic arts.

viva la leenstar!

Canada bound!

In Febuary I will be seeing one of my best friends in Canada! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we are going to a Tim Burton Exhibit!!! Plus SNOWWWW!!!! OMG! First time I get to go to there and it is weird I wont be flying for 16hours, it is just 3 hours and that is strange to me.

Anyway I deleted my eharmony since I got really bad unwanted attention and the one guy I did go out on a date just used me, and stopped talking for 2 days. I dont play those games so pointless. Its a shame it went down like that but oh well thats the BS of life. But my first match on there is texting that is a plus since he has a sweet smile and he looks like a kind person. That makes me smile :)

life as a roller coaster in eternal chaos, and it is mine.

on time

I swear when I sleep earlier than 1am the next day is bad or I just get nightmares.... makes no sense.

I havent logged into my eharmony in two weeks to see matches, but i am paying to see the rejection... faster. Easier to be blind to it, deleting it tomorrow.

I suck at this...

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falling

date two has passed and date 3 is coming up and I feel like I am falling hard and fast for him... and i know he is interested. Lots of smiles and butterflies when I get texted from him, I even took his picture, he just might be my new muse.

my only worry is getting another heartbreak wherever that is in the future stars, I dont want another heartbreak, so i worry maybe too fast I am falling for sam. But at the same time I dont want that to get in the way of now.

a match

Monday I went on a date, my first for the year and since the horrible break up. I met him on an online dating site... it is the new way to meet people and you know what it is great. He is great and we are very compatible!

For one I don't think I would of ever come across him in a city of 5million+ people. Also getting to know him though compatibility makes it better. I hesitated to message him first since well I am not very confident but I liked what he said about himself in his profile. Plus a warm smile :)

So our first date!
He asked me to have a drink(s) with him at a bar near where I go eat a lot at House of pies. I have never been but i remember when they first put it there. I am driving and he already texted me that he has butterflies! I get there 3 minutes before he gets there and oder my drink. Well he comes in and I recognize him immediately, he smiles and I am intrigued! Well we talked for 4 hours! just non-stop like chatty catty's! Found out we had more in common and it was just so nice and comforting to be around him. his hands are soft and his lips are soft. Lips like morphine literally...

there are more dates this week coming up :)

other good news I did well on an interview and may get another possible job from the at interview. Also playing phone tag with another job but I would be an art teacher to kids after school!

its been a good day!

1/1/11

A new Year has started, and I entered the new year a bit stressed. Very busy day of cleaning, printing out card orders, going to photograph a house, going to hang out with Cyn. First year I dont spend it with family or my cats, and first year I entered it stressed. Watching a fight and going to house of pies with Cyn then to a beautiful late cloudy night drive home. I get home around 5am and think I love driving so late but so early in the morning home.

it is when I feel most calm and tranquil with life, as I am one with the universe and nothing matters and everything is ok. Everything is ok at that time or just in general, a sense of peace I can not describe but it makes me happy.

2010 was a bad year for love, interesting jobs and meeting interesting people. But a lack of traveling much was not good. But I can not complain I feel this year I got closer to parents and family.

either way 2011 I can only hope your better to me this year, I am tired of the bad!