just some thoughts on being lonely and unloved by a guy and its just in general thoughts.

I know as me, myself I tend to give a lot of love and can be "mommyish". Also that I go above and beyond for those I love or remotely care about. Seriously I do everything and the impossible and I started to do it again but with someone I dont even love, just care about. But it has drained me a bit already and I know this person is not future husband #2, but yet i keep helping.

But it got me thinking... who will ever love me this much or care this much or more about me? Is there a person out there for me that will give the unconditional love I have offered others to me? That undying love that stays forever until death and past death? Or when I am in a bind help me out? Or just show up to be with me and hangout, or take me out? As well as be honest and not cheat on me for once.

I thought I had meet the one but he abandoned me since I was not perfect, even though he had way more faults than I did. But i looked past them and gave more then the universe's amount of love. But that was not good enough. Prior to him I was married. He loved me but also did a drastic change after I had a miscarriage. Before him I was left for a video game... i hate wow for it still. And the list goes on and worse. I dont see how or why I keep meeting people who need so much of me but not given as much or barely anything in return. Is that so much to ask for?

but it seems it is too much to ask for... and this week has been more harsh on loneliness. I miss being loved but I want it to be real and not false. I miss having someone to call, text and send all my love. All this love is butchered since I dont trust anyone anymore. It feels like everyone is after my heart to break it or to just use me. As if I am not special or worth it to anyone. Also tend to crush on guys that wont like me back it seems, i am too goth/rocker for most it seems.

I dont get it.

nutcracker & clara

I always enjoyed the nutcracker story in many version I have seen it from cartoons, to people to the ballet. My favorite is a take on by Japanese artist Takeo Nakamura who was sponsered by Sanrio (yes the hello kitty company) to make this film. It truly is a memorable film and one I can never forget. It came out in 1979 and I have a recorded version on VHS.

sing your glow

two lights that go to each other
I carry one for you
you carry one for me
stellar lights like snakes they twine
stretching across the universe
listen to my song in the dark
I sing you this song
while my heart glows afar from me
listen to the glowing get louder to reach you
hear my song in the dark
and sing back brightly to me
and loudly glow for me...

thanksgiving

Its about being thankful on one day, but really one should be thankful everyday. Even though there is lots to be pessimistic about in my mind.

Lets start with the obvious:

friends, family and my 5 cats
that have been there for me when I really needed them. No matter how far they where or how close and still feeling like I was dying faster on the inside. They came through even if it was hours after the death or right then and there. I am very grateful for their love and support, its been very much needed. A true tough year again in the many cycles of life falling apart faster than ruins crumbling at the hand of a natural disaster. Even though some have kicked me around as well, this cycle never seems to end. But overall I had more friends helping me though the times in this year than in any other before. But very grateful for my 5 cats as well that I picked off the street and 2 that were given to me. Without their nightly snuggles or playtime demands I would forget why I am here or needed. People come and go but they are always there. Just like I am repeating this year it has included humans.

I love those close and am very grateful to them.


Health
It hasnt been that great or top notch but its been pretty good. I still have my hands to make art, photograph, and write. My lasik surgery is still a success! I love being able to zoom in and out of focus at all I look around me and admire its beauty. To see the each leaves on the trees means so much to me in a way I can not explain. I still have legs, lungs and so on. I just got over a horrible stomach virus that left me looking like a corpse for a day and half, then still lingered for another day and half. But I am still here and was able to get better in time to have the thanksgiving dinner.


Art
Being able to make art is always something I am grateful and yes this year was more about hurt, heartaches but they are still symbolic and meaningful to me. And that is all I can ask for that I keep making meaningful art for myself.


Having a "home"
Even though I joke and refer it to apartment 2 inside the house of my parents. I am very grateful to have a roof over my head and over my cats to help while still trying to get back on my feet even if its been since 2008. The times are tough but I am lucky to have good parents that allowed all 6 of us to come in. Lord knows I can not make it on my own now with the low paying job but its not just me, the world is suffering together. Its ok to know I am not the only one and that we will all one day move forward as well and maybe as one or in parts like a strung bracelet.

Jobs
I went jobless for 6 or 5 months but I got to experience a fun job working at the halloween store. A truly different atmosphere since it brought together all kinds of people and some artistic and others who are not. But we all truly had the same passion, halloween. Meet some amazing people and people to remember. Then this other job I am at is more laid back giving food demos, its fun but different. BUT it is expanding my spanish even more and forcing me to be outspoken more... thats for sure. But it is helping survive, and I am grateful for that. Also some amazing women I work with as well, another world to connect to. But both jobs have a very large and different range in ages and personalities, this makes me calm and happy to be around.


Traveling
I have traveled to Sweden and locally across Texas this year. I am so grateful to have explored Sweden the way I did even if he broke my heart afterwords, but still those memories will always remain. Road tripping and getting lost and looking around at the beauty of Sweden. Photographing as much as possible and mentally capturing like a painting onto my soul that can never be erased. Traveling across Texas even if its a few hours once you leave out of the city which takes over an hour most days anyway is interesting. Small towns, just green of nothing, cars cars and just not feeling at home.


my car
I am glad my car has been good to me and taken me from point A to B. Put put up with my singing in the car, crying, frustrations and just being my portal everywhere. Without my car I would be lost since public transportation here is a joke and far from where I live.


there maybe more things I am thankful but this is all I can think of and seems to be the most significant to me now.

the lies

He said i was the one while he kept me in the shadows. He hide our love as if ashamed.

4 months ago he asked me to move in with him in Sweden. 3 months ago he broke my heart & soul. Now he is engaged. All the lies of love, I gave all my heart and soul and he kept me in the shadows... karma needs to go after him.

Seriously i did not deserve the pain he gave me. Luckily i have good hearted people in my life who have given me great support. But i dont wish any good for him. Just want karma to attack back.

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we were

You and I were a great love.
a dead memory
alive in the victims heart
is all that remains.

mask my pain with something beautiful...

mask my pain with something beautiful...
for i have mellow days and mellow nights
all which are too familiar
lonely grasp of depression death
it begins again...
rebirth of a new sadness
and another mask placed on
conceal my pain with a beautiful lie
pretending to be ok
but i am just a dead memory.

Trail of lights that need to nowhere
with other paths touching the night
which way to follow into the darkness
and back into the light
life and death simplified to lines and lights
such beauty but a fragile line

gone gone

Halloween started for me in august this year and ended Nov 8, 2010. It was a great experience to build a store up, tear it down and dress up for a moth straight. It put me back into retail but it was bearable and interesting. Halloween is my element and I was happy there working with a weird mix of people.
halloween night I was a dead school girl


just some of the pictures from my work, soon to work on a halloween book.