i would like to change the core of me...

I would like to change the core of me, the deepest part of me that stores my volume on being loving and needing attention from the ones I love. Since it seems to get in the way of it all... so I would like to turn it down to a point of being numb.

so numb i cant feel it or give it.

no exbf has ever appreciated all the love and attention i give fully.... they all leave me in the end.
only friends appreciate it...

i would like to change the core of me... and be less loving and affectionate to fit the need of a loved one... but how many friends would i lose then? Since my friends claim to love how loving I am and that I care and go out of my way for them... but it seems no guy sees that. well bf/exs dont, the friends ones do...


a prayer my dad had posted and it got me thinking....
My Lord Jesus Christ, two graces I ask for you to grant me before I die: first, that I experience in life, soul and body, that pain that you, sweet Jesus, experienced in the hour of your most bitter passion, the second, that I feel in my heart, to the extent possible, that boundless love that you, Son of God, had when you offered to undergo such suffering for us sinners.

so how much pain do i have to keep feeling and it seems to be more and more. I dont want to match the pain this is too much and no one should of suffered for us sinners. Its not fair, no one deserves pains, even if it makes us grow... its damaging to the heart, mind and soul... it kills.

just some more art

I have not at all updated my deviant art.... not enough time and I enjoy the connivence of mobile loading to FB, but I must load and rescan some of my art.... one day this year :)

for the mean time here 4 drawings/Typography/Self Quotes I did last month.

there is more but its just art in progress photos....

Whimsical places

I went on saturday to photograph some of my moms work at a venue and it had a feeling of whimsical...




I will call her aileen, why? Since my name means "the light bearer" and that is exactly what she is doing... so here is a visual meaning of my name....