working

after 11.5 months I finally have a job. But I do question it at times, I still am wishing to get a job in Stockholm, home is there, but my heart's home is elsewhere but hopefully with fate lining up I can be there and my heart will be content.

I really do miss being in Stockholm, I keep dreaming of being there just walking mostly but still I am there in my dreams and that is a piece of clam and home.

so back to the job, I am a product photographer shooting diamonds and genuine gemstones making them look fake like the trend is with the high end jewelers. I dont care for that style at all since it involves a lot of editing and why make it look so fake that when you buy it... its nto the same. A disappointment in my eyes. I did one ad, and the other one got given to the other person they normally out source. Makes no sense why hire me and then dont give me work that I have a degree in.

I am grateful I have a job but I still feel unworthy and useless since I am not being used for my potential, and I know I have allot more to show... but my wings are strapped down and not clipped.

makes no sense.

thoughts

can you come to me?
lay with me
hold my hand through it all
always kiss me no matter what
can you always be there like you said?
run to me
hold my head up from drowning?
save me from myself?
can you always be there like you said?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
will it all fade out
I am long gone in the dirt
drowning in my tears
the ground below me turns to mud
filling my lungs with the filth I was meant to carry
to never be good enough,
to be another burden in your eyes
a rusty nail in my heart
I cant pull it out
i am getting tired of it all
when will it be too much again
trapped in my hell
is it worth the trouble?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
relive the dream over and over
but I am just another bad dream for you
close your eyes again and sleep me out of your mind
shut me out like I never existed
just your fantasy gone wrong

false hope for you and I
false hope wont fix this dream
dream me out of your life
dream dream me out of your life

wake up and turn over
shake me out of your mind
im just another bad dream for you
nothing more
nothing less

Im there when you sleep
I am gone when you awaken
I live in your mind at night
you cant let me go
wondering where the fantasy went wrong

false hope for you and I
false hope wont fix this dream
dream me out of your life
dream dream me out of your life
dream dream me
dream dream me out
dream dream me to death

i am

employed first day tomorrow. Lets see how this goes after 11 months of being jobless. Of drowning in the unemployment hell.

but I am drowning to drown else where

the last love

have i told you enough that i love you?
or repeated that i miss you so much?
or that I can not imagine life without your love?
but I dont want to ever imagine that again
your love is beautiful

our love is sacred
with our love we breathe life into each other
with our kisses we electrify each other
with our touch we spin the butterflies in our stomaches
with our eyes our souls melt
with our love making we melt into one

there is no other love like this for us
this is the beginning to it all
that is a dream come true
this is the story tale love
then our future begins
as the last love

Dammed and Blessed

All within 5 minutes. I walk to get my Nikon D50 and I try to take a pitcture with out really looking at my camera. And when it wont let me and I look at it to behold the crack of death and the card reader wont work. I freak out change lens and cards hoping it still works... and nothing.

Oh the death of my camera! I begin to cry and freak out! I text my dad and he says we could try to get it fixed. But there is no Nikon approved repair shops, and with this damage I can see on it, it would cost more than the camera cost me. I love this camera so much, sure it was going out of date with 6MPX but it took 20,000+ pictures taken with this camera in 4 years. I figured I would always have it working with me even when I was able to get another.

But not it died on the Day of the Dead.

So I go online and look to see what I could possibly afford on a no budget. And hoping Billmelater.com would let me put another charge since I use them and pay over my amount and on time. Hoping I could get a camera, and I look at all the Nikons and look at a D90, D5000, & D3000 and compare them and noticed it was either the D90 or D5000. They were close in comparison but had had some spec differences, and I preferred the D5000. I go to a site to see what bundle sales they had and I tried it and I got approved.... I got approved! And for a Nikon 5000 12.3MXP I can afford the payments on this! Well somewhat but I will make it work.

so dammed one minute with a broken camera thats my life... and blessed 3-4 minutes later with a new camera. life is strange but I am most grateful!

I will shadow box my Nikon D50 with a few pics I took with it.

I still love my D50 <3

love dazing

I am in such a love daze that I am past cloud 9. Its my drug to feel this love, dont want it to ever end. I think its this necklace it the oxygen my soul need... oxygen of love, his love.

Im so lucky
<3

melancholy days

day 3 of feeling and being melancholy.

The weather is at least cooler and not going above the 80's. So cold and sad works hand in hand, like lovers. At least in the colder times I get more creative but also more lonely though.

pointless post really

interview scams

Whats the point in an interview scam? I get them in my email and I only know they are scams since they says "We found your resume" but then offers me some position in marketing, insurance, sales and what not that has nothing to do with my resume or degree. Wtf? I have even gotten one in my voice mail, but I knew it was bogus since I looked up the number and it was not a job site.

Why even have them, its already hard enough that I am a workaholic who has been laid of since Dec 2008. I get so frustrated and depressed some days, and other days I just dont care anymore if I sit and rot away. Feels like no hope for me, when its the whole world who is drowning in unemployment. SO many of us, so why scam us and take that little bit of hope we carry with us to the interview? Just to shatter it and break it from us and wonder why me, why cant I get a job, whats wrong?

I am always told I give great interviews even had 2 that said I was number one to hire they will call me the next day... and they never day. Ive gone on more interviews I have ever in my life now than when I did when I got my first retail job and my first design job.

It really isnt fair I got scammed, not much money in my account for gas and I go and waste it on a fake address and fake company. But I learned to not trust, I will google each company I get an email from, not so much if I apply since well there is so many I have looked at... its pointless

Jag atala lite svenska!

Jag heter Aileen. Jag bor i söder öster Texas. Jag är grafik designer och webb och fotograf. Och jag har fem katter. Ja skulle vilja bo i Stockholm.

yay!

Sin Eater

Sin Eater
a person who would take the sins of the fresh dead, by either food or drink placed on the corpse. This would allow the food or drink to absorb the sins and save the soul of the dead and the sin eater would consume it to allow the soul to be free of any filth from their life.

I personally think you don't have to take it from the dead, but you can take it from a live person. One who you love the most and can connect or sync to steal the bad and transform it back into good for the one you wish to save/protect from harm.


I am part native indian of two bloods and found this tale fascinating:

Tlazolteotl, the Aztec goddess of earth, motherhood and fertility, had a redemptive role in the religious practices of the Meso-American civilization. At the end of an individual's life, he was allowed to confess his misdeeds to this deity, and according to legend she would cleanse his soul by "eating its filth".
(from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sin_eater)

Death Scream

laying here screaming for you
I love you from the grave
I am dead and still loving you

my heart still beats for you
even in the afterlife

Dont leave me
be with me
I will be yours forever
I promise to love you
past the existence of time
so father time will punish me

You and I are lovers
forever
always

My coffin drowns me
with the memories of us
sweet poison even in death

My heart beats for you
even in the afterlife

Dont leave me
be with me
I will be yours forever
I promise to love you
past the existence of time
so father time will punish me

You and I are lovers
forever
always

always and more
you and I
forever and beyond
are lovers
always


images & poem by Leenstaraileen of leenstar.com

so beautiful

you really must see the rest:
http://www.pixelelement.com/208-oseosidades-by-saul-hernandez/

but I love the angel one's the best!

why stalk?

Its pointless when people stalk others... and I know since it has happend to me several times. One ex stalked me for 5 years online mostly since he was in the army. But mostly just lurkers looking into my profiles that forced me to put them into "friends only", they wanted to watch and judge in silence... pointless effort, Wasted time, and reason to stay alive. Instead of silently watching just speak your mind question outloud, better to be honest and blunt.

I am glad I am a blunt honest person who hardly holds back. I know not to keep the idiot when they are down, but instead hold out a helping hand to help them back up. Its rare to be quiet, although I am quiet when you meet me, but I wont judge you, I wont generalize what, who, and where you are, i rather learn about you and for you to tell me. We are all humans who need to be respected and what not as well as given a chance. Since there are so many variables and outside forces that can cause us to be misjudged due to us having a bad day.

Now lurkers are so odd they just watch and try to disect and make assumptions of another. Some just to live through others, then those who just want to be nosy, and other looking to blame someone for something that person has nothing to do. Oh yea and the highschool drama crap of who are you with, omg her/him... get over it. We are not 14 years old people do what they want, yea we may not like it but it happens to everyone, no one is spared in love and war.

I do wonder if my exhusband lurks my profiles at times... but we ended to many reason, i pulled the plug to the marriage since it was going downhill and no rescue could help us, just glad it was in the early years and not further down the line when kids may have been born instead of miscarried. Those that can survive that turmoil I applaude them and their efforts even if its a battle, but in the end it will somewhat work for the better. Its just walking and running through the wreckage is the hardest. But then I think a wreckage is what I would of preferred instead of a calm divorce and after it was all done then came the bombs of fights and messing up my credit and lies... the aftermath was worse... like the calm in the eye of a hurricane then the backlash was the worst part in my divorce. Its soon to be 2 years since the divorce and it was the best choice I made and the worst I did ever make was getting married. Its sad that such a joyous thing was my downfall of my life.

but its a learning experience, one i wasn't ready for and one that stalkers and lurkers watched and laughed in my demise. But I wont do that to them when they go through this, instead i will hold out a helping hand since I already walked this destruction and know how it feels to be left alone at sea. But then again I wouldnt know since I dont watch others unless they are close to my heart.

still why stalk anyone? why feel the need to control or have to know whats going on with another person? Whats meant to be will be and whats not,...well thats life it goes on with or without you. So get your running shoes on and run forward there is no way back whats done is done. See you in hell.