pull me forward

I have the strongest urge to pack most of mystuff away and get ready to leave, I am even doing it moving allot of the stuff back into the boxes and getting rid of allot of what I don't need. Its a really strong strange urge just as I was cleaning I felt the need to start packing. A sign maybe? or what am I channeling, I know I want to leave and move to Sweden but I'm having the worst luck finding a job there, almost a year of trying. hell I am even ready to pack to go on my Stockholm trip already, so anxious its not funny, it's a magnetic pull that is literally pulling and tugging at me, it's time Aileen it's time to go back, but I cant even run fast enough forward it feels like... what is going on with my little universe?

sleepless rant

its 4:25am on a sunday mothers day, and I cant sleep. Just full of anxiety, unknown anxiety like i am channeling it from someone or somewhere else. I have an unclear mind with it its not even fluid thoughts but choppy static murmurs I cant understand what they are all saying or getting at... its frustrating! Its also frustrating to feel like my heart is going to burst open through my throat, wonder if i vomit if it will burst...

I've been seeing them again the shadows come to life and they are noticing i see them again, and this means the violent & battle dreams will be here shortly too. These feelings are sucking out any love and hope I have just pumping stress and annoyance into me. all is lost, no hope, more money issues transition of balances, not sure if i leveled up or fell back down.

my wings hurt.. yes my wings there is weights on the torn skin on my back, weights are on me again and its more personal than anything... what new changes lie ahead pulling my head up and back to look up?

lately i have felt the need to go to a priest again, to unload my issues and others, I attract the talkers, those who have to tell me their bad things they have done, as if I am some priest. I dont understand why random people try to drag out a conversation from me, as if being quite is so bad. I used to joke that i am a sin eater i eat other peoples sins and take them upon my own... I think it is real, do i unload/clear my soul of all this jargon? Not sure but what can a priest do for me anyway, the man upstairs knows ALL, or so we are told... there must be a spirit lurking around the house since its a wreck with remodeling and fixing up what the floods messed up.

now its a sleepless rant... I'll STFU now before it becomes a short story and some how its 4:41am time is speeding up again...

the dreans hold no hope

the world is falling apart and the humans are feeling it, bad days for everyone the month is cursed by the stars that have channeled it. May always seems to be the months of destruction or freedom its so drastic it upsets the inhibitors lives. Most of my memorable break up and heartaches happen in may. Mostly a bad month, only 2 good things was being able to a relationship, and finding out I was pregnant. Other than that, not a good month.


curses on all our lifes have been placed to fall into our laps at different times but it seems more and more is going on, not just mine, but in others as well. I know its not just the lives of those I know but it feels like it, like maybe I should of not befriended anyone like i spark every fuel line to those i care about, and i cant save everyone... but i still try. But life will go on will go on after we are long gone, we are are just disposable, a curse that wont go away

There is no escape, i will see you all in hell. For I am turning the table on the line of fate again, playing with the end or to live... im not ready or decided im just spinning it. My battle continues... this time im not sure im ready, I was once when I had nothing to lose, now i do...

how

how do i fix 2 broken hearts? One that saw its self shred in telling the truth and the other watching and feeling its twin shred. how do 2 heart beats that beat as one turn into two separate beats comfort each other?

i cant make it work, i hope my dreams hold an answer

travel whore

it looks as if the gods of travel have shined upon me and presented me with some travel paths. THANK YOU! I seriously am glad a lifetime wish is coming true.

happy leen in this area of life

now to fix the rest of my life... i know one step at a time... but its hard when you start the momentum!

thoughts

Im jammed on a clash of thoughts... take me to Stockholm...I love designing...baby shopping...wanting me here...home is where the heart is at...new job will it pay... boy or girl...when do i have to move on... im ready to travel...doing well so far...loving but so rude...matching sets to make it like home...what to take and pack... new job will it pay...let go to have the baby... wont be mine completely.... excited to leave once more... mother and babies but where is mine... they will come first

cryptic symbolism

How do i share this light with you? Hiding from the light will only make it harder to achieve what your looking for and striving. An angel will shed a pray for the two to find the light instead it will be ignored. There is doubt that has shadowed you, and in that shadow it brings the plague of sadness and drama that is following you, leaching onto you to suck all your life and energy... its creating a black hole supernova in your chest... a ticking time bomb. It will break and all the things that should not of been said will flow out like a raging river of hatred and despair, those innocent to this tsunami attack will be hurt the most. The target will soak it in and create another monster, two monsters battling with fueled rage and words that will hurt will be said to lash and protect oneself. Once the battle is over the two monsters will stand and the innocent will fall into the energy that was exhaled and it will drown them. The light that was doubted could of been the easy clean way, but time got in the way and the shadows caught up. All will seem lost but there will be another light to share, there will always be another light to catch, its never over...


How do i share this image of you, so you can see yourself for who you are? the pictures show a glimpse of your sweet self, the side you want them to see but naive to the fact that is who you are. In reality they hold the moment that is secretly locked in you. But can a moment not be enough? Its a window into your soul. It's the gateway, through a photograph fall threw the rabbit hole it has created, the photograph is strong enough to hold that moment you opened up. The walls are invisible and the truth it holds is trapped forever and when time passes and the photograph is burnt away into ashes. Speckles of that dust will remain lost in the universe but it will still hold. Frozen in time, energy taken, it happen, it was there, it will always be. Let me reflect who you are, let my soul take a side step and in its place yours can fit in and show the side I see you, for placing my eyes in place of yours wont be enough. Holding half my heart will guide you to see what I see, what I feel... every beat my heart takes in your hands it will detach the veins and insert into your hands and fuse with you applying the exchange to override the self image you have... once you see and feel it will detach and slow down the beat, everything will go back into place and I will carry the mirror for you to see with new eyes who you are, who you have always been hiding away... the gateway in the photograph will close and time will move forward for you.


there is much more symboilsim tucked away in my words... illusion artsy

checkmate

I am so happy my heart is beating fast and it could burst out pink sparkles and love! I get to go back to Stockholm, no plans just to get lost walking in the city photographing, hanging out, loving, and feeling like i belong.

The signs are everywhere that I should go back to Stockholm, reminders, Swedish encounters, ads, finding out what I like was made in Sweden. Coincidence? I think not... its fate aligning my path again, and I am happily taking the steps. It is what was meant to happen and I wont steer from this path, but take it gratefully and go forward into the light of my heart. The light of life, the want to live and need to live. And the chosen city of my soul is Stockholm. I am also aware I cant run, but walk even if I want to reach out faster I cant or it could destroy everything... everything happens for a reason. This is true and it has been all my life for me.

Time can only tell when I can go and live there... but I wait anxiously as the call of life is still trying to reach me... the right moment will come and it will be my favorite move as if to say "checkmate" and tower over my king of chaos and rule my life again... forever mine from the first breathe to the last.

lucky

I got a break today! I feel lucky as well, tomorrow i can call unemployment tell them I have a part-time job since im not sure how this contract designer will be like. But I have a job again and the price on me has risen and I feel happy! Plus Hope is feeling better and back to herself!

I do have some set backs, the flood messed with the inside of my car, im annoyed with class, sickness in the world, rains that are threatening.

but above all i am luckiest girl with the love i am receiving, lights up my soul!
<3

nailed and pinned

my heart feels pinned against the wall away from me, and its stressed as well. Anymore stress it will bleed again. Its not the caretakers fault, he is adding all the love, care, comfort, kindness and more, but its me and my problems that are messing with his care, I'm sorry.

my legs feel nailed to the ground, they are stopping me from moving forward, I'm ready to cut them and crawl forward, but if I do then my hands will be nailed and if i still try then the nail in my back will impale me... but i will still try even if my heart bursts, I'm not ready to be pulled back, I've done so much and given up a few things to be able to go on my journey, I only seek what my heart and soul want, so why damn me for the teachings that have been impregnated into my mind when i was younger?

dont give me wings only to clip them, I'll go on till the last drop of blood falls.

April 28th Floods

It flooded again, this time it got inside the house...
it rained allot in the afternoon but the water went down, now it started to rain again around 1:35am and stopped around almost 4am, and its still sprinkling.

my car


and the day before i had to leave my cat Hope at the vet to get spayed and i feel like the worst mother away from her kitty, i want to go get her but at this rate I cant. Im beyond heart broken, and beyond stressed i need my Hopey back!

travel

To travel is a great experience but the cost is not always so friendly. Its extremely costly in the summer, but what can I do, I want to go back to Stockholm to tour the city again, I want to move there, and see some friends as well.

I miss them, as well walking the streets admiring the beauty of the architecture and counting how many McD's there are within a few blocks of each other. This amuses me to see how many there are its like an epidemic of these fast food chains. But I do love the feeling of walking around and trying to familiarize and memorize the area so its clear in my mind and memories. Watching the people walk, the way they dress, listening to the sounds of their beautiful language and listening to the traffic of their cars, sounds so different from here, and yet more homely.

My heart says Stockholm is home, Helsinki is a good place to visit and it calms me to be there, but it was never 100% home feeling just 50% my escape from home. Once I was in the streets of Stockholm it was 100%. How can I deny my heart what it is seeking? I wont give up, but there are things/issues still here holding me down and it feels unfair... I know have patience, everything happens for a reason. If its mine to happen it will happen just have to wait. But like a child on its birthday awaiting to open the gifts, I am there at that anxiousness and excitement.

I want to run now and not walk, but I may trip and fall, either way I will get back again and keep trying. Fate is on my side this time, it has helped me twice already to reach someone, I think its just the beginning.

unclear minds

I have an unclear mind cluttered with more than my own thoughts, a box of secrets from various people that came open. In it it hold their thoughts, opinions, their bad days, their sorrow everything that fuels pessimism. From both males & females, just jumbling around in my mind mixing and like a parasite feeding my own thoughts and making me vulnerable to my flaws. I cant help but to get depressed again, jealous, angry, annoyed, its eating at me. Its about 25 different problems...

I am spilling out this info here in hope it goes away like a bad memory and shuts the box or purges out the thoughts, whats the point in keeping some of this info? I dont know and wont know why some lingers more than others. But it seems there is different sickness and technology is failing, relationships are shattering faster this month alone. This seems to be a bad month a hurricane of issues pilled up, and I am here trying to swallow the bad and convert it to a better time.

I have been able to control most of my nightmares now, slowly and surly trying to keep that balance and convert it to peaceful sleep for another and to let me rest as well. So far so good, but when things like this spill over im bound for more nightmares tonight, I am really tired but avoiding sleep.

the only thing thats keeping me sane right now is the love i am getting from one person. its beautiful and warm, i cant lose it now, I need it more than oxygen.