art is for life

inspired by my friend Sarah's Blog this is why I create art... I live in an art world that is fueled by my dreams, desire to breathe art, to bleed out blood droplets that makes shapes and forms. I love the way I get lost making art and how it feels when I am done and looking at what my idle hands and subconscious make in the end. What was for a second lines and random shapes form the idea that was trapped within me. Given like birth of art it free flows out like water crystals that I intake that reflow out into an ocean of creativity. I do everything as much as I can in a form of art, I even give love in a form of art. I speak poetically if not conscious of what I am saying. I can not function without it being some form of art. I would rather wither and die a thousand deaths than not feel the art that runs deep within my soul, heart, veins and mind.

art is for life.

Underneath a broken heart is beauty releasing into another form.... and mine is but now I just need more time to make art <3

2 good deeds & grateful

Today I did 2 good deeds, so karma points for me!
In the afternoon on the way to work there was a homeless man with a sign "trying to get home" and this made me sad so I gave him the change I had in my car plus a bottle of water so he would stay hydrated.

Then near arriving to work I stop into Canes and pick up a $25 gift card for my coworker since its his bday on saturday. When I was able to give it to him, it made his day and so happy and a big hug. Just to see him the whole day happy and smiling was worth it!

So two good deeds done without thinking and I started to realize I am much much nice to strangers now. I have learned to open up more but not trust more for sure. I would like to avoid anymore heart breaks if i can, but I doubt it I am too loving of a person so it seems. But it hit me that I am a decent enough person and I should be proud/happy of all I have done art, life, pets, and love wise. I have given my everything in all that I have done and will do. I do good work and I have good ethics even if I am rebels or over-killed myself on coffee today!

seriously too much today that I am surprised I didn't have a sugar attack, I had more sugar than I do in a week today... not good since it messes with my anxiety. But other than that I have lived a fast life and people tell me that I have lived a life of a 45-50 year old and they are surprised i strive to keep moving. Or that I am a strong girl to gone through what I have... but not once have I seen it that way since... well I always just go forward and not knowing why?

but today i realized my subconscious is more aware of all the good I have done and do and will do as well. That is my underline fuel, its why I keep going even after my soul and heart got crushed, even after the abuse, the chaos of my life. It makes me seem strong to many but I dont see it since its go go go. But I know more than ever that I can keep going on more than I am aware of since I have been depression free for a week or so. But it feels nice not to be manic depressed, but I am sure it will come back but I will enjoy now right now :)

a simple smile

A simple smile can make one smile right back or feel calm. Last night I meet a sweet smile that was kissable, but I didnt kiss his smile. But just provoked the him to smile more. Hanging out in memory spots and not thinking of tomorrow, it was all about then and there. And for a moment I was glad to have this chance to meet another wondering soul.

But there is another smile it is quite goofy and playful and makes me playful. Just like being a child and carefree, its about then and there also and forget tomorrow, today now is the fun smile. His smile always is there when I walk by or look up since he is taller and I dont expect him. There he is smiling. A comfort for sure.

but when my goddaughter smiles this makes my heart smile and I love to make her smile.

I havent thought so much about smiles before, but they are much needed. I wonder if I will find a smile to fall in love with and keep for real and ever this time?

but for now its a smile flirt game and giving that extra love that dwells in me to those around.

hold on

Hold on to this heart for it will leave as fast as it came
this heart is done bleeding for him

it now beats for
new breathes
new life
new adventurous
new love
more hugs
more moments of fun times
more night travels
more of everything

the time came

The time came when I had to push everything I knew and felt about you behind a steel bolted door. Slowly crying I pushed hard and with what little strength I had in the beginning. But it has been sealed shut forever, a spot in my heart that holds the endless love buried alive deep within my heart. Throwing away the keys to the door.

it has been a few days since i last cried, but now that i have had sweet poison around me in a massive amounts it has been my stepping stones and way out. I walk on these steps cautiously but willingly as well. I take the sweet complements and the hugs I get or take away from others. I do it out of my exposed heart that has been much kinder now. I have gained more patience and ease at showing love/kindness.

we truly all are fighting our own battles and we all deserve kindness and good energy to ease the chaos and complications of life. And I am receiving ease and willingly taking it in.

im still trying to put a bullet in you and me...
my hands shaking and I cant do it...
but i dont deserve this pain in exchange for all the love i gave you.
I gave you the moon, the stars, the universe and endless love.
I gave it with out any limits,
i gave it pure, a naked soul

it was so endless
over and over i was there for you
love & friendship
what more could anyone ask for?

but wait
i was not smart enough to communicate
not good enough for you
but yet i was always open
telling you what was on my mind exactly
i shared my soul with you
i never held back
i communicated daily
email, texts, chats and even tried calling you

i gave you more love than your ex
i talked with you more
i shared with you more
i wanted to do things with you
together forever, endless love

but what did you do for me?
I did so much for you
and all i asked for was for love

and instead you abandoned me
threw me out of your lie
just as if i was trash
used up doll
no good
nothing to you

maybe i was just plain stupid, just like you said,
one of the last words i remember from you...

but i can still hear i love you echoing
in my mind like a ghost
frozen memories of beautiful love
but its just that frozen dead memories

i once

i once shared the nights stars with you. they glowed so vibrant and where so large that we could pluck them from the sky. The first time i saw them that close, and i was glad it was with you. such a beauiful moment to share followed by kissing your cheek and hands. you looked at me and smiled. the car seemed to be flying, takes us back to your apartment. like a fairy tale of love that memory froze into a mental photograph to last forever...

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Dear Karma

Dear Karma,

Where are you? And why have you been biting me? I have not done anything that bad, or deserve so much pain. I have been decent and giving lots of endless love to the one i love, not killing bugs (but running from a few), been nicer to strangers, not gone shopping really, been busy with work and school. And more that should justify for you to not harm me. I have not been putting myself in harms way at all, but instead trying to make it better for others.

So why the chain of recent events? The abandonment heartbreak from hell, betraying friends, car issues? and who knows what other invisible things.

But I am very grateful with what things are going right, but I could do without the heartaches, you know my heart is weak. So I do not understand your reasoning but I do think it is time you bother those that deserve it. Even if it is a little bit now, that is fine. I am not asking for full blown wrath but still I would appreciate you moving on away from me.

but if you were to ask for a list then... i have a list to share with you.

leen

ready for halloween

I am ready for halloween, I already got to go to a halloween party. Even if it was for work, it was nice to eat all the halloween goodies and be dressed up with people. I always love Halloween where we all play parts of that years fantasy or thrill. Especially kids, seeing thier faces light up as they really play their parts and gather candy in excitement. The night lights turn into stellar shows for them. As for me I love to watch all the different and same costumes and see the nights joy, and the only time we are not really judged. We are all colorful and oddly dressed. No one cares its is all about being dressed up and having a good time. This year I will be an Indian Princess, for once nothing scary but I will gore the idea out of course... but I started out innocent at least. Something different for a life that has twisted around me like being kicked out of my chair. But still first comes my birthday and then halloween
My job at the halloween store isnt so bad, its different for sure... graphic design and sales is massively different, universes different. But it pays the bills just like my food demo job.


this recession blows, someone was saying at lunch break that we will probably be headed to a depression... great 2012 can you get here faster? Well I am sure that wont help.

I soaked in his love, he treated me so loving like i have ever felt before, he was sweet, caring everything I ever dreamed of, and i fell in love deeply. I learned how to give love that came so deep from my heart, my soul deeper than my core... I learned that i can never do that again just to get hurt, its not worth it. I never ever imagined we would break up, and now that is gone. connect in love and spiritually.

still it hurts so much and there are moments where I am free of thoughts, but why do i have to suffer, what have I done so wrong in my life for karma to hit me where it hurts? Am I that bad of a person? Am I not worth having love? I dont know anymore, everything has gone down to hell, i have no confidence in anything I do and I am not ashamed to admit it since I am hurt and walking around like a zombie.

and go on

When you're going through hell, keep going on
till there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth
and roam untill the end of times.
Still lingering to the past
away my soul I send you,
away from pain,
save yourself from this corpse

go on and away
there is no place for you here in hell
the pain is not worth the love inside of you
heart and soul fly away from here
save yourself from this corpse

save yourself

there is nothing... alone and death of leenstar... this is heartbreak hell and i am burning in it