Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays, yes Holidays, why?
There is more than one holiday going on in december and always has been. No point to be greedy in just saying merry christmas, that just fucks over the other holidays as if they are not important. But THEY ARE, they have to do with families gathering to celebrate their traditions together. there is nothing wrong with that, so happy ALL holidays!

please have all the yummy foods I have not tried at your holiday feast for me. And make happy memories.

lots has happened

So much has happened since I last blog and it hasn't even been two weeks.
Things can really can unspiral real fast with several deaths and injustices in the world. It has been strange to hear a few more family members pass and a close family friend who I figured would always be around. Do damn naive... I cried for 2.5 days, it still hurts. I have helped make the funeral brochures and photos to be used as ornaments for others who are grieving, but it still doesn't feel like I have done enough for him.

I have written a small speech for the open eulogy
We are all gathered here today for Lu Cruz, as a powerful testament of the union of love, family and friendship; that we have have received from Lu. We are all ripples from the splash of Lu entering our lives. Connected together, and together we should stay as proof of Lu's love and light he has shown in all of our hearts.  Today we are saying goodbye but it is not the end, he lives on in each and every one of our hearts, our memories and daily thoughts. Let us stay connected together for Lu has woven us together to help heal the loss of Lu. May you all keep in touch with the Cruz family to resonate the love Lu has shown us, we must keep his love and kindness alive and going strong.  Now may eternal rest grant unto them, O'Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May Lu rest in peace. Let us pray for Lu's Family and friends and may we be united together again in one family.

Seems longer typed than written by hand. but it still feels like I havent done enough, but in reality there will never be enough to be done.

Top 10 movies, challange accepted

I was tagged to do the top 10 movies of mine that adore and can watch endlessly and forever.

1. Unico in the island of Magic

(Sanrio Film 1983)

I saw this movie when I was 2, and yet it still is as vibrant in my memory. Lucky it was recorded off of tv for looking cute.  Thus this was first introduction to anime. This movie is magical and full of adventure and illuminated my inner creativity! And I just found it for sale it has been remastered and I am so thankful I can show it to my daughter now as well!

2. The Nutcracker Fantasy
(Sanrio Film 1979)

Another Japanese cartoon from my childhood, I was under 5 when I saw it, and the rag man till this day can give me nightmares. Beautiful stop motion of the nutcracker with more whimsy and beauty. So much more like Alice in wonderland but more. Another movie that was recorded for me for looking cute and it has been remastered and just came out again in Japan again! I cant wait to finally hear it in it's original language and buy it! Another movie I want to share with my daughter so bad!

3. The Nightmare before Christmas

It came out on my birthday, it was meant to be! Although I was a tim burton fan from when I was little with beetlejuice. This movie I can sing and speak along, it hits the creative soul always. I never tire of it and never will. Not even when my daughter watches it 2 times in a row. Nothing beats jack's want to bring something new and although it didn't go to plan it was an experience worth learning. What's this is the same feeling I get when I find new places to love. 

4. Romeo & Juliet 

(1996 directo Baz Lurmann)

My favorite Shakespeare play, I used to know all the words. But I love the fast paced drung induced feeling movie. The feel of the movie, the colors and clash of old world are just how I dream, once I saw it I felt so happy that I am not the only one who can dream in such a manner. Plus who could resist Claire & Leo together at the time! 

5. Edward Scissorhands

The beauty of tim burton, how could not love this movie? the sweetness and shyness of edward the creative soul within the fragile look. Plus Vincent Price! Even though I own this movie I stop to watch it if it is on the tv, I am captivated buy this movie.

6. The Addams Family

Morticia & Gomez such love and passion and so what if they are quirky they made me feel happy and comfortable. Such great one liners and insults. Both movies are great but the first one is my favorite. I miss the cartoons as well.

7. What Dreams may come

A movie about soulmates, life/death, art, beauty, soul seeking, takes from dante's inferno ideas. Such beauty interlaced into this movie. It rips the tears from my eyes just pressing play. When I first saw it I wasnt aware it is a drama, I cried so much but adored it so much more. Robin Williams did an amazing job in this movie and made me feel his love for his soulmate and I rooted for him! I haven't watched it since he has passed, I tear up just thinking about it...

8. Donnie Darko

a bit of a mind fuck and what? but it pulls me into its chaos and well Jake!!! A movie to watch and then rewatch to watch it unfold on a loop of time travel/wormholes. It just stays with you and taps the black matter part of your soul, at least for me it does and fuels me to draw.

9. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

Beautiful, dreamy and just watching the ripple of effects and how somethings are just meant to be true happy opposites. I wouldn't erase someone, this movie shows how much we can grow as a person within a relationship no matter if it falls apart. its just beautiful and the music!

 10. The Science of Sleep

It is in english, french & spanish! I love the back and forth and makes my mind think faster and creativity flow, the ideas of dreams are what I have as well and Stephan's child like thinking only ties it much more to this movie. The forest in the boat, the thin line of reality and imagination. 

what can I say these movies plus a few more  are the roots to my soul and creativity and just puzzle pieces of how I see the world, and I am not alone...

it wouldnt kill you to reshare...

I dont understand the lack of reshares, or pass along info to help a "friend" or acquaintance out. Most will ask for something of theirs to be reshared, but when you ask if they can do it... they are quieter than a silent film.

it wouldn't kill you to reshare, or maybe it is the darker side of it... they dont want to see you succeed or reach your goal. Or possible envy that aren't trying to do something they love doing? or the basic they flat out don't care about you. Then why bother lurking around.

Makes no sense. I reshare a ton of pages and other's work since I am willing to help out fellow artists find a new customer/sale! Everyone should be able to do something they love even if it is not the conventional 9-5 job. I think it is wonderful if an art is being made then can make it to the corporate or fame level. Dream achieved!

Doesn't everyone see it this way? It seems I don't understand the non artist mind, that is a mystery to me and probably the home of those who don't want to see people succeed. Probably not all of them but it is strange.

Do a good deed and reshare fellow artists links! we all want to work the dream job!

Anime/Manga rewatching & Discoveries

I have been on a binge of rewatching anime shows I used to watch when I was younger and tossing a random new one in between, or finishing ones that I never finished.

it is FANTASTIC! I never fully stopped watching it really since I have various DVD's but the VHS haven't been watched due to lack of vhs player. But I am going to test a hand-me-down one soon! But the fact that watching beautiful art has been reinspiring me to draw more, color more and just be more imaginative again, i love it!

Of course with the new release of the 200 Episodes uncut of Sailormoon! I dove into buying it digital! But then with the beautiful Manga adaptation finally being made to be SailorMoon Crystal ♥︎, oh my I love it and it is the version I fell in love with when I found it in just japanese only!

of course that was at a time when most anime's were not in the states, and you had to find bootlegs online or in very very few anime stores or random comic book stores. Luckily I could watch it in Mexico with my cousins, and they recorded it for me as well. Also in mexico there was less restrictions of what was shown or what merchandise would come to sale. I had a grand collection of coloring books! Luckily I was introduced a ton of anime while spending my summer with grandma. She would walk me to the comic book store or the market to try and find stuff ♥︎

One of the anime's I could only watch in mexico was Ranma 1/2, I finally watched it ALL in order and not here and there episodes last month. Loved it and was glad to finally see it all. Wish it was longer but thats how it will be with any story you enjoy. Which also lead me to InuYasha, I just recently also finally watched all of it and in order, including the movies.

While I have been watching anime since I was 2, and yes it is confirmed with a movie called Unico, a movie by Sanrio! I have it on VHS and I wish I could find a copy that maybe better quality than my recording! I want my daughter to enjoy it! This is the first movie I recall as a child and the one that set me down the path of cute anime style animation. 

This did lead me to CLAMP's animation and still is my top fav animator ladies! There really isnt a storyline/manda they make that I dont love. First was X/1999 and it introduced me to their talented art and stories. Of course the cuteness of Cardcaptor Sakura, the cybercuteness of Chobits and then XXXholic humor :)

There are tons more I could name since so many have been seen and appreciated. But my random discovery was Youko X Boko SS also known as Inu X Boko SS, depending on what you want to find on the show. There is 12 episodes in the anime, but the Manga goes to 10 vol! I laughed & was very intrigued by the show, the manga explains it better. But the show is quirky and romantic at the same time! It is worth a watch and once I can find an Artbook to purchase I shall! I really hope they continue the anime! Sou-chan is one of my top fav male characters ♥︎ Plus I really think I will cosplay RiriChiyo, I loved the school uniform and her yokai outfit as well!

I may just turned 30, but that is 28 years of anime, its a great time to be alive to have more access to many Anime's! such a different time from the 90's!

The only times I have ever felt pretty is when my hair has pink or magenta tones! I absolutely HATE HATE HATE HATE having normal hair. But since I had yo come back home and no luck at getting another good job it has been forced to stay normal and worse I get called ugly by the one who should be supportive.

Instead while i feel prettiest i get verbally attacked that I look ugly, I need to grow up and be a real woman with normal hair... 

HAIR color has NOTHING to do with being a woman. I am responsible, hard worker, great budgeter, can clean/cook. I have 1 college degree and know 3 languages and even a mother. I am honest, superveb time managment skills, non prejudice, unjudgmental. 

This falls into the people who ste judmental and cast all stones to those who are not cookie cutters... 

Ugh

Seriously missing my beautiful pink/purple/black :(

music to the core

Most people will tell you they can't live without music or that it feeds their souls or such things. But not me, it once soothed my soul and lifted my spirits or engulfed me in a warm embrace with words of others who had felt the same. As if all humans crosses these paths that linked to pain, joy and rage, like a moth to the flame.

Music is for love, for souls, hope, heartbreak and many more emotions we associate not only is it the twist of the words but the lucid sounds of the instruments strumming and banging away to reach to us. A melody of life or a lullaby of death...

I closed my soul off to music years ago after one of my hardest heart breaks. He was a musician, he knew the right words to say to lift and fill a soul. Hell a whole album was dedicated to our love... in the end the relationship ended as the score/song ended. It began in an adagio then into a powerful ballad then ended in a low grave of silence. Since that day my soul calloused shut out all music. I could hear it, I can remember memories but it did not move me, nor lift me or feed my imagination toward musings. Nothing it became the regular static noise everyday then slowly music became largo and has stated in the state of largo.

But every once in a while there are very few song; ones I haven't heard in ages, although trapped in my plethora of songs in my ipod. That will rip through my soul like beams of light and energize a corpse part of my soul and in that moment I am invincible in thought and musings. If I am lucky a cluster of songs will have that power and everything is well in my soul, heart and mind. But then there are the few that are spread out and act like strong heartbeats of life grasping to come out and be freed to listen to music once more as if it were my oxygen.

But it is not often, and I harden my soul once more. I dont do it on purpose it just sort of happens, one of many life goes on lessons to leave things in the darkness of the past. Or just a mechanism to save what is left of a crushed soul to keep going and not be swept into the void of nothing.

More languages please

I love hearing lots of different languages in one setting. I rather hear a multitude of languages than traffic noise or junk conversations.

I currently know 3 languages: English, Spanish & Swedish.
But I know bits of Japanese and minut french. Japanese all because of the tons of Anime I watched when I was younger, more than 20 years of hearing it and I never went to properly go learn it. Shame but I am looking at classes (with no money to enroll) but I would love to make it my 4th language to learn.

Sure I have not mastered Swedish or even Spanish and being a hispanic. But I realized long ago even if English was the first that stuck there are a multitude of words I am still not familiar with either, words that are just lost or being 1st generation in Texas with my parents there will always be words I wont ever hear.

Dont get me started on how many times I get scolded for not knowing words in Spanish by my family members, but how can I possibly know a word i have NEVER heard before... think about it. Rages me beyond words. I guess we take words for granted and I notice when I am explaining to my toddler but I can see when she has fully grasped a word correctly and will use it correctly. I try to speak as many words or synonyms to her as well to see what word sticks.

But speaking 2 languages gave me a leg up to learn swedish I noticed. But we are aware of the difference of languages at ages 6-10months, after that it fades and can slow down learning another language. I would make sure Alice heard english and spanish at home, but during play time I would play her japanese, french and thai cartoons and later my dad showed her russian cartoons. So she is fully aware, and one day I caught her repeating phrases from sailormoon! I was so PROUD! she wasn't using it correctly but I know it has been successful to make sure she hears many languages!

Once I can get more money/extra really I want to enroll in Japanese classes! After all I wanted to know 7 languages before I turn 50. I am about to turn 30 next week so I am not far behind my goal!

"Love, what is love? Baby dont hurt me"

love

noun1.an intense feeling of deep affection.  "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"2.a person or thing that one loves.   "she was the love of his life"

I haven't given this much thought before, but something made me randomly think about what kind of person I would be if I were ever in love again? I know what kind I was before I became a mother. I used to want someone who would love me always, want  to be near me, and want me to be part of their life. This combination was never achievable ever all 3 but one or maybe 2 at the most but it would fall apart of course.

Everyone loves differently and show its differently from what we know is true in our heart or what we see in movies/shows and what we read in books. Even as an outsider from other's relationships. It is hardly ever the same. Sure there are similar elements so we can see warning signs, move on or know to stay in that relationship. This has always been true to me and also what has given me a red flag to know when someone was worth the fight or not.

But since I became a mother, my perception is blank... I cant see it or even think about how it could be or even imagine it, even in my dreams it feels a bit empty, emptier than a blank canvas. At least with a canvas I can see the image before and draw it to life.  As a mother I finally have my lil love who wants me always near by, in her life and loves me always even when she is kicking me in her tantrum and is ok if I am gone for an hour. She loves to hold onto me while she sleeps or have a foot on me kicking me in her sleep. But it is love, a love that fills my heart and silences everything around me that worries me. It is a love that I have longed for all my life and past lives, it is fulfillment at it's best!

With that filled I don't feel like I am missing more, or someone. But there are days of course where I do missing someone else telling me that they love me and wanting to hold me or my hand. I have progressed backwards to the basics of needs of another. But it is not a strong urge either it just hangs around like a ghost somedays.

And it has only picked up since I have been reading and rewatching old anime show's I watched while growing up, it has awoken the thought who would I be if I ever fall in love again? I wont know that me anymore, that is a shadowy stranger sitting in my future it is a strange feeling. Like I will be slipping on a suit to reach a new level of myself. 

But in my dreams the simplest of the needs are focused on in my dreams, the way my hand is held or the warmth from being pulled into the person's arms... 

love is such a strange emotion with no bounds no shape it free flowing as if water veins connecting and crossing and then flowing solo again... I am lost on a small boat with my daughter protecting my lantern heart...

Waterless ocean

I don't know why I am the type of person who tends to care or give thoughts to those who don't towards me. I think often about everyone I grew up around, went to school, or shared moments with that were meant to meet even if for a few minutes. 

I remember those I went to elementary school with my firsts years in Houston, specific people. I wonder if they are doing well and are happy. I hope they are truly. But I wonder if they ever think of me? 

Then the second elementary I made friend who I thought would be for a lifetime... None to two keep in touch, and even then I am last to know they were in town, or even exchange numbers to only never hear or seen them again. I try to keep in touch but only one liner reply or k responses... I just stopped trying. We had great memories, laughs and growing up together.

Jr High & Highschool is a mesh as well of friends I thought would last a life time... Down to two as well. Trips, outings, memories... All discarded and forgotten foundations.

College & Jobs are we're more acquaintances semi keep in touch but it's basically nothing. Or too far apart that you become aware it's another set of acquaintances. 

The closest friends are very far away in different cities and countries... They stay in tough better and check in loads more than those miles away. It makes no sense...

It's as if I am standing on a shoreline looking at a waterless ocean with mere puddles sparsely apart... The sand cuts my face with all those who have chosen to forget me.

In my mind library I hold photographs of every person who I have meet, shared a laugh or moment in a positive way. The negatives are buried of course. But I think and give thoughts to those who don't deserve it. Or else I'm surrounded by the waterless ocean.

I was once social but too many people have made a solo person, it's strange the word friends... It tastes blank. I long to one day have it tasting fruitful once more...

I can't be the only one who feels like this or aware of this happening...

moving along

Moving along with making Jewel Leen a reality of a shop and making my kitty shaped toys a success. I am making noise and gathering interest. Sales slowed down via internet, but slowly picked up in person! Slowly and pushing through the critics and not looking back!

But still keeping to graphic design & Photography, I can do this! I once had a bigger name years ago while helping bands and traveling and connections. But that is the past and this is now!

go Go GO! I really am proud of my kitty toys and look forward to a good year selling. I have been looking into selling at booths in little craft shows. But first I need to make enough merchandise to sell! Currently have some on etsy: Jewel Leen!

I already got my business cards printed and delivered! I have shipping boxes already here ready to be shipped! But I still need to make stickers, buy tissue paper to cover the kitties while being mailed out, make postcards for future vendor opportunities! Maybe make a sign, figure out stands for the kitties at the events.

Lots to do!

But I have also finally found 2 companies I am happy with to send prints off to and other kinds of prints. I still am happy with the book company I have on hand, so more bundles will be added to Leenstaraileen Photography!

I still need to finish/start my website! It is being redone but I am one unhappy web-coder, stressful and so time consuming.

All this while being the best mommy I can be to my daughter and having to stop her from terrorizing things and breaking. I love my toddler, she is my inspiration to aspire more so I can provide more and more!

making art

I always enjoy making art of my friend Sarah, 

she is at times my muse as well :)

it's been a while..

3 months since I last posted, when there are plenty of times I could of ranted but prefered to sleep late at night.

Being a single mom is clearly a demanding job to be both parent's, it eliminates what roles are sexist. There are traditional unspoken rules of which parent teaches what to thier kids, I am the blur of these, of course my parents help as well, but I am the main one my daughter watches for sure.    For the main examples I will teacher her how to fish, if i remember since I loved it when I was younger. ride a bike even though as an adult i still suck at it! for some reason I don't balance well on a bike or a trampoline. But of course I will teach her to bake... CUPCAKES! she is my cupcake afterall. And all the other stuff that make a well rounded person and better than myself.

Really I am lucky and blessed to have my little brat <3 p="">I love and adore watching her be the genius she is becoming!