pretty in lace

Self portrait that I actually like

countdowns

30 days till i go and i am anxiously waiting!
11 days till i go to my friends party on the lake.

exhausted

I am so exhausted of ethics class, I just don't see the point in the class. Most of this is common sense, and I don't really care that it needs to be categorized, really I don't! But I am taking a day break from it, lots of hours have been put into this class and I am sick of it!

on a positive note, I got my 4 chest dresser and built it, organized it and now the function of my room is better and more breathable! Now to be able to afford to get my bookcase or 2 I will be happier with the space of my room. Its hard to go from my own house to my old childhood room, and still struggling to find a job in my field.

This recession and company fears of failings needs to hurry up and be done with, I would love to get a job easier! The problem is I am over qualified for allot and then underqualified by the number of years for some... some sick life joke on me. Time will come when I get a good job, I know but make it Sweden please!

venting the emotions...

I am so insecure at times, and most of the time I just dont care since I am used to not feeling pretty anyway. I just cant help to see all the pretty girls around, or commenting, trying to get the attention or better yet rubbing near him, or even dared to kiss him and think why love me, or can I handle it really. Its not like we are dating, but he shows me all the love, carring and compassion, but why do i still let it bother me.

I know i cant be naive either that I can truly be anyone's "one" since well I never have been, always the one to get cheated on in the past, the only loyal one just to treat me like crap... but it still in my mind with a million questions, they seems to blur when I am with him. At that moment I know I am his and its about me, including 2 small things, small, but yet still bother some, mini cuts that I am tearing open. self heartbreaks to protect my heart, self destructive, self inflicting pain when he hasnt done anything wrong... whats wrong with me?

what is wrong with me, he gives me all his love and I know how to love him, care for him, be the lover, be the friend. But yet why do i have a fear building in me that i could be nothing in reality, just another stepping stone, abused by love in the past is nailing me down, it makes no sense how I cant move past it, or on really.

its not something I want to say to him really since I am just venting, but it is a worry, and I know he'll say its normal, he loves and he'll make me feel better too, he always does, some special power of his. He makes my heart beat so much, sigh in joy and be happy, but the inside dead me tries to shout over it.

love emotions is more complicated than life...

self destruct

It never occurred to me that maybe my body was self destructing itself prior to my divorce till just now. An epiphany maybe that I failed to see all the signs that my own body had to start shutting down to cause the chain of reactions.

prior to getting married, I knew I was getting into a guy who had nightmares about his time in iraq, he had a temper at everyone but me, but he was sweet the sweetest ever at that time, now its nothing. The wedding invites I had designed were discarded by my mother, and replaced with plain ones. The day of our marriage allot of things went wrong, a semi-nightmare day of people running late, the cake wasn't eh right one but had to be substituted. People were chaotic and ate most of the food, I hardly got any. My newly husband keep running off to drink beer in the parking lot leaving me with family and friends but not him.

my honeymoon was perfectly filled with love and devition, expect when he got into an argument, other than that, it was the first time he really paid attention to me and what I like, and how i loved the ocean. It was all about me for once, since it was mostly him or compromise... but maybe since i was in my element.

Coming back home to find out i am 4 weeks pregnant, and barley married for 1 week. All was good till I had the miscarriage. I cried, he cried, but he got over it quickly, and then started to drink more, argue more, it toned down then started back up. Then after a month from it i started to get sick, it was as if my body was shutting down, well it did my kidneys just about did hospitalize me. Then other things went wrong that i do not wish to discuss. The arguments kept going and then he accused me of faking it.

but luckily I had a trip to Helsinki, where i meet my online friends and concerts, this opened up my eyes since i was healthier and happier away from him. When I arrived more arguments and moods, I tired to fix the last bit, told him we need to fix our marriage, he did for a few days and back into hell it was. Finally i asked for the divorce, not even an hour later he asked, "so when can i start dating".

Once I finally left, no more sickness, or stress all was calmer besides the arguments on the divorce. So the regular signs were not enough, my body had to interfere... not suicide but self destruct to save my self from dying love.

love is important, but unfortunate, i know how to live with out it as well.

self destructive body, save the soul.

Swallows Love

I got this in an email today, and of coursed I cried over such sweet love, so bittersweet end.

Swallows Love:
Here his mate is injured and the condition is fatal.
She was hit by a car as she swooped low across the road.









Here he brought her food and attended to her with love and compassion.










He brought her food again but was shocked to find her dead. He tried to move her ... a rarely-seen effort for swallows!









Aware that his sweetheart is dead and will never come back to him again, He cries with adoring love..









He stood beside her, saddened of her death.










Finally aware she would never return to him, he stood beside her body with sadness and sorrow.










photographer I am not sure who, I cant read the credit, But I wanted to share this bittersweet love story.

The email also says: Millions of people cried after seeing these photos in America and Europe and even India . The photographer sold these pictures for a nominal fee to the most famous newspaper in France . All copies of that edition were sold out on the day these pictures were published.

The death of a leenstar!

will be from all the HTML, Dreamweaver, Flash & Ethics class at once! What was I thinking! Oh well I have knocked out
3 weeks worth of work for HTML class.
2 of 3 weeks for Dreamweaver class
1 of 3 weeks of Flash class
2 of 5.5 weeks for ethics

so my weekend has been ambitious with my classwork since thursday - sunday. But really through monday since I will be cracking to get 750 draft of my paper so I can rest the harsh work for 1 week at least, then pick back up to make the 1250word paper.

I look forward to Stockholm after my classes are done! Well I look forward to it NOW, but then it will be such sweet blissful reward!
I deserve it dammit!

weak and stong humans

The more I research into Sex & violence for my ethics class, the more I am coming to a conclusion that its the weak minded that surrenders to the violence and sex and lashes out to censor it for everyone. But not everyone is weak, I saw allot of in games, TV, and I remember for a long time MTV had a lot of videos that had sex in the videos. I turned out fine, I don't see the harm in watching it as long as you know its not real and that its not to repeat in life.

I also remember my dad telling me after playing video games, or violent movies he would tell me that its not real and allot of it is cinematic make believe. An example was why were the 1 minute left on the time bombs lasting more than a minute? So true but I also know now that our brain thinks at 90frames per minute when in survival mode than the normal 30fpm and we are more agile. Same with sex if I was caught watching or if it came on when I was with my parents they would either tell me to cover my eyes or that's what older people do, but I also paid attention that that wasn't always the best idea in a movie since some drama or action packed adventure came after it. And when I first had sex it more boring since where was the action the adventure. So another falsification like a fairy tale and it's price charming.

I guess it always fall back to what your parents taught you when you were little and if you were strong minded. Even with a strong mind I still have a creative/imgainative mind sometimes childish, but its what keep me from being "affected" from the damages.

I think its good to see since life is much more violent and sex is going on so much no matter what, why shield your eyes to it. It is much more worse out in real life than a few hours or 30 minutes of pretty graphics and story lines that flow together. Life isnt always so structured or as friendly, and you can revive in life, once your dead your dead, try again in he next life. Yes we do learn from what we watch but not all is for bad, some may come in handy later on when it is most needed. Or know what not to do its more on the power of our minds to adapt to it.

In barbarian times they introduced violence at a young age, but we have long lost that warrior side in humans to survive. We has suppressed it, but that trait is dormant and of course its activated when we watch what was once so natural to do and go off into battles and defeat the enemy. In some ways we are missing that something and living in the wrong era.

But with out sex or violence on screen we would get bored and possibly act it out more viciously in life. TV & game sales would plummet, more jobs losses and then what? The weaker mind would get weaker and never learn to evolve or get stronger if we wipe out all the conflicts, fragile as wet clay. We need sex and violence to balance, its the chaos in the peace, with out eachother it wont balance out.

he is my everything

I love him with every breathe I take, and each heartbeat I take. I am forever grateful for meeting him and having him in my life. He is the sweetest person to ever cross my path, the most caring and pays attention the most to me. He is my favorite love.

He is the stars in my thick black nights. He is my sunshine on a cloudy day. He is the pleasant dream that wakes me with good days. He is the light at the end of the tunnel waiting to hug me. The sugar in my cake, the spice in my food, the water in my cup, the caffeine in my coffee. He is the oxygen I breathe, the drug i crave, the energy I need. he is the reason I believe in love again, he is my hope and comfort. The lover i wanted, the knight in the lost fairy tales.

He is the reason I am girly, and happy loving, caring. He spoils me with his love, words, comfort, care, compassion, and understanding. He is the inspiration for new art, the will to live, for new adventures, for happiness.

the best part is he is himself around me and the hidden self that was always there, shines for me and around me, my secret lover... he is my everything <3

why?

Why do I feel so tired and drained? not physically, or my soul but my body. It's about a week or more of feeling like this, like I'm lost in existence. Am I real... what is real? like time has stopped but moving full force and I walk this parallel universe as if I broke some rule for still being alive, I crossed the line while a path of destiny is being written, or I pass enough righteous paths that I ran out and now on my own again. Left to write the rest of my epic story, the story of aileen. Its complicated chaos in a single blood drop but it holds everything about me genetically, but not personally, at least not yet. So all this is being paused but will my next step be my new path or fall... is it worth dying for or living for, I don't know I lost control but there isn't any control from any sides right now...

And as well as waking up having ugly days, we all have them from time to time, but a week is too much for even me. Ugly days as in you wake up feeling ugly and worthless, nothing matters or whatever I do I look like some rotten flesh of disgust. I cant hide or run for it but left to stand in front of the mirror and see the reflection and accept that I cant be beautiful past my eyes, it's my eyes that only are pretty they hold what little hope anyone can love me for. It's the look that can forever stain the mind of another why the rest just decomposes away one day at a time. It's not the lack of people telling me I am pretty but its not what I see or feel.

Normally venting makes one feel better, but not this time I just feel empty, life and emotions are being taken from me leaving me numb, but still able to love him, my tiny blue light is loosing its dim as I am questioned about the situation, its trying to glow but so much fog and dark clouds are letting corruption of doubt and any other negative emotion sneak it.

It's bad timing of those who whisper and ethics class together they seem to unbalance me, my boat is tipping and I am not sure to hold on or fall into the ice cold waters.

I guess I'll sleep on it, today is gone and nothing I can do about it now.

2 days

If the economy had not changed
if I had not been laid off my job
and the rules for migration to Sweden had not changed...
It would of been my second day living in Sweden. :(

I am aware that I am going back in July, but still I can only pretend like I live there and when its over I will be crying coming back... my heart says home is there and I want to be home.

in ethics

I am just starting ethics class and it asked what ethic values we had in our art and design... I wrote this:

My values don’t exist in art, if I had to design for both God & Satan at the same time for a campaign, I would do it. I tend to lean to controversial art if it is personal, but as for clients I have to keep it within their conservative thoughts. I see values are used to interact on a personal level, as for art its open for different interpretations and that’s beautiful.

scars

Normally I don't mind scars on my body at all since I have lots of them, but on my face. It makes me feel so ugly, its there and noticeable right now, this fresh cut that has been placed on me. I know it will heal, but into a scar and already I don't think I am pretty at all, just starting to believe someone that I was. But now its as if the universal accident my cat has placed on me is to remind me that I am not pretty. And it brings me down and makes me want to hide again, and past words that have been etched into me are resurfacing, and consuming my thoughts.

Am I so ugly that I am not allowed to think otherwise? or am I worthless, am I dammed, or a waste of time? Or is it my looks that are ugly, that I am not skinny enough, or not as loving, or so distant, or no one can love me since they will leave since I'm intolerable and stubborn.

This scar opened up old scars that are gently and slowly flowing out so I remember and re-feel the pain and hurt... its winning as i sit on the edge of my coffin and think.