lucky

I got a break today! I feel lucky as well, tomorrow i can call unemployment tell them I have a part-time job since im not sure how this contract designer will be like. But I have a job again and the price on me has risen and I feel happy! Plus Hope is feeling better and back to herself!

I do have some set backs, the flood messed with the inside of my car, im annoyed with class, sickness in the world, rains that are threatening.

but above all i am luckiest girl with the love i am receiving, lights up my soul!
<3

nailed and pinned

my heart feels pinned against the wall away from me, and its stressed as well. Anymore stress it will bleed again. Its not the caretakers fault, he is adding all the love, care, comfort, kindness and more, but its me and my problems that are messing with his care, I'm sorry.

my legs feel nailed to the ground, they are stopping me from moving forward, I'm ready to cut them and crawl forward, but if I do then my hands will be nailed and if i still try then the nail in my back will impale me... but i will still try even if my heart bursts, I'm not ready to be pulled back, I've done so much and given up a few things to be able to go on my journey, I only seek what my heart and soul want, so why damn me for the teachings that have been impregnated into my mind when i was younger?

dont give me wings only to clip them, I'll go on till the last drop of blood falls.

April 28th Floods

It flooded again, this time it got inside the house...
it rained allot in the afternoon but the water went down, now it started to rain again around 1:35am and stopped around almost 4am, and its still sprinkling.

my car


and the day before i had to leave my cat Hope at the vet to get spayed and i feel like the worst mother away from her kitty, i want to go get her but at this rate I cant. Im beyond heart broken, and beyond stressed i need my Hopey back!

travel

To travel is a great experience but the cost is not always so friendly. Its extremely costly in the summer, but what can I do, I want to go back to Stockholm to tour the city again, I want to move there, and see some friends as well.

I miss them, as well walking the streets admiring the beauty of the architecture and counting how many McD's there are within a few blocks of each other. This amuses me to see how many there are its like an epidemic of these fast food chains. But I do love the feeling of walking around and trying to familiarize and memorize the area so its clear in my mind and memories. Watching the people walk, the way they dress, listening to the sounds of their beautiful language and listening to the traffic of their cars, sounds so different from here, and yet more homely.

My heart says Stockholm is home, Helsinki is a good place to visit and it calms me to be there, but it was never 100% home feeling just 50% my escape from home. Once I was in the streets of Stockholm it was 100%. How can I deny my heart what it is seeking? I wont give up, but there are things/issues still here holding me down and it feels unfair... I know have patience, everything happens for a reason. If its mine to happen it will happen just have to wait. But like a child on its birthday awaiting to open the gifts, I am there at that anxiousness and excitement.

I want to run now and not walk, but I may trip and fall, either way I will get back again and keep trying. Fate is on my side this time, it has helped me twice already to reach someone, I think its just the beginning.

unclear minds

I have an unclear mind cluttered with more than my own thoughts, a box of secrets from various people that came open. In it it hold their thoughts, opinions, their bad days, their sorrow everything that fuels pessimism. From both males & females, just jumbling around in my mind mixing and like a parasite feeding my own thoughts and making me vulnerable to my flaws. I cant help but to get depressed again, jealous, angry, annoyed, its eating at me. Its about 25 different problems...

I am spilling out this info here in hope it goes away like a bad memory and shuts the box or purges out the thoughts, whats the point in keeping some of this info? I dont know and wont know why some lingers more than others. But it seems there is different sickness and technology is failing, relationships are shattering faster this month alone. This seems to be a bad month a hurricane of issues pilled up, and I am here trying to swallow the bad and convert it to a better time.

I have been able to control most of my nightmares now, slowly and surly trying to keep that balance and convert it to peaceful sleep for another and to let me rest as well. So far so good, but when things like this spill over im bound for more nightmares tonight, I am really tired but avoiding sleep.

the only thing thats keeping me sane right now is the love i am getting from one person. its beautiful and warm, i cant lose it now, I need it more than oxygen.

one year ago

one year ago as I waited on the planes to take me back home from Helsinki, its been one year since my eyes collided and met one individual. I gained a group of people who would become a set of beautiful friendships that would understand me on a level like never before. But there is one that stands out the most <3

its been one month day since we first kissed, and first melted as one... i miss him so much. There is not enough words to justify how much i miss him.

breed of new nightmare

I was a the top of the stairs looking down at the basement in some old house that was a country setting but the house was in grey and white not black/white but grey and white. I didn't feel safe being there and there is this older lady with an apron on, telling me to go down to the basement. If not she was going to push me in and lock me in there. I look down again and I see the demon who plagues my nightmares where sometimes i lose reality and wake up with marks on my body. I am aware its a dream but as I turn around the old lady pushes me in and I almost fall down but grab on to the wooden hole filled rail and as i look back at her with fear and watch the light go away I hear it coming for me faster and... i wake up

I sprung out of bed with my heart racing too fast it took a bit to catch my breathe. Its been a while since i felt fear in my dreams even with nightmares i normally wake up like normal... this is new, new setting too.

the hunter

I am hunting hotels/flights to Stockholm, trying for 5 nights in a hotel and 2 with another friend at her place. But it depends on my roommate, if they can stay just 3-4 then just those days in hotel and then head over to my friends place.

I want to head back to Stockholm it feels like that's where I belong and I was clam and happy even if I was uncomfortable in the shoes i wore last time, but now I know this is where I really want to move, my body is still on their time zone! It will be hard not to run away from my flight when its time to go back home.

My heart and soul are in sweden its time I go back!

deadly love

more artwork inspired by my muse, its hard not to think of things, they come at me like a tsunami, but not all of them go onto paper or digital pixels.

let me slip into your mind

I have always wanted to know what goes on peoples minds what they think, how they function, the emotion they feel or portray is it genuine? What neurons are going off and how different are they from me?

Tonight I got to read into a beautiful mind, it has its tragic moments, but all the good and bad thoughts shared are beautiful to me. They are a masterpiece I want to have and admire, truly made of so many parts and it fascinates me. I want to know more, more, more! But not so much I am raping them from their memories or mind and sucking all words out of the brain.

I am learning about this person, and its an honor to read the inner workings and at the same time i want to sooth this person with my own aura. I can only attempt to but how can I? I have also let this person slip into my mind, but I am not great at explaining my thoughts on me, just let it flow out of me like a bleeding cut so raw.

I want to embrace this soul, and hold it to make sure they take the comfort and love it seeks, be the vampire to my emotions, I offer them in exchange for their past negativity. Feed me their tears, blood, and sins and I will convert them to love and happiness and comfort.

so please let me slip into your mind

love effects

I burn the carcass of my past in exchange for the love that is breathed into me.
The past burns turns into a pile of dust and I am blowing it away
and setting my soul free with the love that wrap me up in
I let your love shower me, see the blood and tears stains run off of me
my naked body is exposed
and i am comfortable in my skin again
the love of my life has set me free
my wings can grow and span once more
no more bound to the damnation of failed fake love
but lifted by the sweetness of a higher true love

prayer for love

Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or boastful
it is not arrogant or rude
it does not insist on its way
it is not irritable or resentful
it does not rejoice in the right
Love bears all things, believes all things
hopes all things and endures all things
Love never ends
~ I Cor.13

a prayer card given to me on my wedding, I just found it and the more I think about it all these didnt happen in my first marriage, no wonder the love died. Or better yet any of my past relationships weren't like this... but I do have something like this in way now... art inspired by the prayer card

March 19-23

March 19-23 is a mesh og great memories and moments of uber fun at the concerts and hanging out with the band Violent Divine, such great guys that everyone should see live! SO i'll just post some pics pics, most can be found on facebook,myspace, deviantart, flickr. Such a great trip I miss it allot!

photo by sweet vampire (sara) photo by mike divine, thanks for taking a pic of me <3