2014

Its a new year and another step forward in life. I have a new goal set to achieve:
To Learn To Sew!

Yes it may not seem like much to others, but to me it is important I learn another form of art. Plus I am a disastrous button sewer. And I learn better visually and I can only hope I won't sew my hand into my project. In reality I have always wanted to learn to sew but never got around to it. Now I want to be able to make toys or clothes for my daughter and once I can get better finally cosplay a bit! But I have already thought about how I can incorporate my jewelry designs, graphic designs and photography!

I once made a teacup sewn sculpture for class, but it was horribly lopsided and the saucer part became my cats bed, they loved my horrid sewing.

I dont have any other goals besides get more freelance jobs or a job that is work from home to keep my daughter out of daycares and plus she is smart baby and I want to keep helping expanding her mind!  She is amazing.

2014 started well even if my daughter decided to cry into the new year and new years day have tantrums. I feel it will be better, lets hope if not there is another year.

Selfie

Nov 19, 2013 Selfie made it to the Oxford Dictionary,

selfie
noun (plural selfies)
informaloccasional selfies are acceptable, but posting a new picture of yourself everyday isn’t necessary

early 21st century: from self + -ie

Since then I have read a number of blog posts against selfie's even some bashing people who post selfie's. But why this needed to bash? Everyone's selfie's are a different story and reason as to why it was taken/posted. No one should assume why the other person is taking & posting their selfie. A great quote that be used in this situation is by Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." & also “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” 


Also what if a person is trying to survive a hard situation but the only way they can handle it is to take selfie's or pictures of themselves smiling or just looking dead straight or even making a face. And the more like or comments make that moment fade a bit and more bearable. What if its a in your face I am working out, or say I was here and so on?

No one should assume or bash, a selfie is a story, a picture and a picture is worth 1000 words and more. Yes I am not not naive there are some people who will be posting them to be self centered. But that is not everyone's story.

I enjoy it since it is a time lapse of a person aging process from week to week or by month. It is as if we are watching a life fade one day at a time, frozen in the moment. Whether it is a happy, triumph, or need a boost moment. I know i post random selfie's but they don't glam me, some ugly ones are out there, but they are for photography self concepts, or just to try an effect and its shared. But as I look back I think geeze I am aging but I still get questioned if I am in HS... im 29. Thats my only timelapse to show look i am aging besides my gray hair! Also proof that I can do awesome eyeshadow and have good hair days. Seriously most days it seems to be against me, but whatever life goes on. Unlike the selfie that is a frozen moment.

Another way to view a selfie is that it is a digital marked history of oneself that others are watching as well. Almost big brother is watching but we are all big brother watching. And then there the others who are trying to correct this behavior. This is no Mirror Mirror who is the fairest of them all, since it seems none of us are. So what if we are the mirror we don't need to judge or assume of the others reflection looking back at us, like a ghost.

That written, like a ghost, for some who have passed the selfie's are the only way to catch a last glimpse in how the person saw themselves or portrayed themselves. And serve as better pictures to remember a passed one.

That is my rant, dont assume it never does any good.

Careers

I am debating switching careera, not that I can afford it at thus time. But maybe something without the killer cost of sallie mae and their murserous interest rates. 

I started looking into becoming a blogger, an income one. Just to see if it works for me while my freelance in graphic design and photography has halted for no reason, and in not sure why? I can blame the economy or too many having hardships. 

Not sure but something to look into.... Maybe?

Parley With a crane

Today while getting ready to head to the grocery store, I look out to the street and a crane lands and crosses the street and stares at me. I close the door and walk slowly around the house to the door. The crane takes a step each time I do, I am about a foot and half taller than this bird and clearly no threat. I walk into the house to get my cell incase it were to fly away. But instead it waited for me. When I walk out with my cell it continues to move as I click away. I only take a few pics and watch the grace of the crane as it carefully steps and bobs its head. It makes a "S" shape and then snatches a bug from the flowers. So swift and smooth it kills its prey.

I run upstairs to get my DSLR and take a few pics, It turn to look at me as I take another picture.  Once more it grabs a prey but its a lizard, I feel horrible and unsure to intervene. I watch the lizard fight back and eventually escape. I think I hope the lizard is ok. The crane looks at me as if it heard my thoughts and walks away into the neighbors yard.

Strange but beautiful.

Some crane symbolism:

• In  China, the Crane is seen as messenger from the gods
  

• Some parts of Africa and North America see the Crane as a symbol that is associated with wisdom

Forgotten glue

Are you really friends with someone if you don't bother to check up on them ,text them a hello, or call to hear their voice again? Or visit if you are in proximity?

Or is it the other person always reaching out to you?

No your not considering them a friend, but they consider you a friend.

But... In some cases people can go awhile before really having a conversation and pick up as if they never were apart. But really they still send the random text or message vice versa. Because they really are friends.

Tonight I am aware of how many more I have considered a friend and how much I try to reach out to others, but they don't do the same. Am I a friend to them? Or should I stop bothering? Tomorrow is the 10year reunion of my graduating class. But I will not be attending for multiple reasons. But there are people coming in and I catch wind of it, but have not been messaged or reached to meet up. My friendship dies tonight with these people... They are just lurkers in my life, watching a silent movie and not even bothering to interact. I feel like a frozen photograph trapped and collecting dust, or a discarded painting that is chipping away... I'm a thing of the past for so many... So should they as well to me. 

It's dead weight anyway and I can't try to carry it anymore.

Random thoughts of my past

I have this lilac quilt, it's plain but it keeps me warm. I have had since my second apartment. When I was able to get out of my abusive relationship,  I had no bed, I had sheets and a cheap cover and this quilt that broke my budget. But I needed it and I still have it.

I would lay my covers first on the floor, then sheets then quilt, for a month I had no bed, I slept on the floor with my two kitties. 

I only had a bookshelf, tv, lamp, desk or furniture. I've come a long way up and fallen twice, had two exs keep my furniture since they were greedy. I had a house full of furniture once.

Now I'm down to a bed, end table, bookshelf, 2 dressers, my daughters bookshelf, changing table and a crib, rocker/glider and cat tower. It's more than I had in 2004, but less than 2007. It could be worse I could bed less with my daughter... But it's not. And this quilt continues to cover us, I hope it last for many more years. Since a few months ago I had to trash a quilt that was 29 years, I developed a rash from it. I'm 28, it had a great run. Now it's this lilac quilt turn... 9 years in counting.

Still thinking

Yesterday I loaded photos to my photography page. But prior to it I had to rummage digital through old photos. 

I came across pictures of him and I, my heart broke in echo. 

I could see my self so in love and vibrant, I could hear his false I love you's, I could feel the breeze from the streets in Stockholm. I could feel the pain reaching up to my neck to choke me. I stared like a ghost looking into a window of a world of once was, a place that is not meant for me.

I stared at all the places we traveled together, the relationship was something from a dream, and there was love and care, all the right words were said when together... Two souls meant to be together. So I thought and felt, my live for him was raw and purest real. But it was not meant to be and even worse since he got engaged less than 3 months later....

I haven't loved like that again, but instead it's stronger a purer now, since I found out I was becoming a mother. I looked at my daughter as she clutches my night gown while she slept peacefully. She would of been someone else if that relationship didn't end, I wouldn't be here in this bed. I kissed her head, she is my world now.

But a broken heart will echo over and over when it's around the source of pain...

Not sure

I am not sure what to do or change.

I have no luck in

- selling artwork traditional or design

- selling jewelry

- getting photoshoots even if I am going at a low price of $150

- cant get any clients for graphic design either lately

Nothing I do seems to work or sell, am I doing something wrong or am I that horrible?

I see others having better luck while I have nothing. I promote and share and post in different areas but nothing and the ones who do want something, want it for free. What kind of crap luck is this that I am having????

The worst part those who I have done stuff do not refer me either, I stopped doing free stuff too. Few friends do help but even then I am in a rut. 

I want out of this rut!

altercations

Lots have been going on and sometimes there is no time to post but self write into the walls of my mind. Yet I feel compelled to crawl into the cave and write, but then I walk out and hold my daughters hand.

It is amazing how she has changed my life and I love it, I get to see life again and through her exploration, a great quote on Hannibal tv series that I can relate to:

"Young people are supposed to be the lens through which we see ourselves living  beyond this life"

But I am grateful and blessed for my daughter, when there seemed no more light to be shined onto me, a daughter was silently growing within me. The light was given, although my name means light bearer, the one who brings the light. She has brought it to me, and I have shared that light with family and friends. She lights up the room with her smiles and random baby jibber jabber. We all let go of the stress and sigh. As if we stopped to smell the roses and paused the chaos to take part in her smiles and look into her eyes with hope, new life she breathes into all of us.

Before her I was busy busy with life letting it pass me and not stopping to glance. I had moments where I would gander but it was nothing compared to how much I look, analyze, and take in all around me. But its do to some bermuda triangle of time effect.

When we are little time seems forever long, I know it did for me. Somewhere time speed up and then there wasn't enough time to do anything. But since I have had Alice time is both slow and fast. The days seem long some days and lots go into it and sometimes not much. But once she sleeps the night speeds up and I have lost 2 or more hours I could be sleeping and I realize time just flew by. 7 months has passed and yet it seems long and short, an effect that feels interesting.

Now it is amazing what all we take for granted, my daughter has been clapping for a few weeks now a task that seems so simple. Put both hands together and slap, but for a baby to coordinate that takes observation and random moments that lead to a clap and she looks up for acknowledgement and we clap back! Thus enforcing the approval of her newly discovered talent. Trying to crawl has been interesting to watch her try to grasp as well. But really anything is amazing to me since I notice how much she watches me to mimic me and when she does, she excels at it as well.

among these brightly colored days of love of course I have my self doubt days of what I am doing with my life. And late night thoughts of why this or that? I cannot help it, its what I do naturally.

Recently I have watch friends excel in jobs I wanted and have applied for before or even cared about. And yet they took no notice of before and now they have that job or in that career path. I try to go about it as well and with no luck I am casted out. I don't understand why this bad luck happens to me and yes I am aware we cant have everything.

But I have applied for many photography jobs and tried to get a leg into the field and yet I am pushed out, it seems the market is more for point click and done. Thats not me, I can do it and could do it for a job, but when I try to get people for a more fine art shot… yes I get people who claim they want to and then nothing. Just like the supposed friends all vanish when I reach out. I have tried to get into baby photography as well and take great pics of my daughter and get appraised by many around me, but yet no one asks me to photograph them either.

some weird luck of mine. Same goes with design...

And this often makes me question who am I, am I not good enough or what is the deal with me? I don't feel like I am not good enough but I know I am not the best. So it puts me in this situation of knowing who I am, but who are these people around me who call me friends or pretend to be in my life. And say great job and then turn their backs on me?

"I am who I have always been; the scales have fallen away from my eyes. I can see you now." ~Will Grahm/Hannibal

It seems that if I don't drink or work with people anymore I don't get invited out. I see the pictures of the parties I get left out, even if kids are allowed.

I wonder why and how did I get so screwed with these fake friendships? Seriously why me? I was always there for them, you can call on me and I would be there... Still would. But nothing, as if I am non existent.

Sometimes I feel like its Alice and I against the world. Or that I am alone, with my family only. Mom and dad I mean.

I wish things would change in that aspect, I deserve and miss having a close friend nearby....

This Mother's Day it's just Alice and I alone. But I was able to spend medicos Mother's Day date with my dad. That was great.

Where has the value of friendships gone?

Something my mother said really struck a chord in my life. It not only shook it but also brought up old wounds.  She pointed out and said you had so many friends and not a single one ever visits you since you had your baby. Yep its been 4 only not including the baby shower. and excluding distant friends. In reality no one has visited me since I got married really. I used to get visitors all the time while in college like I was some BnB. I was always the visitor, getting called to go keep a friend company at home or a bar. Few times to go eat with them. 

I seem to always be the one to call on for a favor, help or to listen. I would get late calls or even while I was broke to please come join them. And there I would drive out to hang out and listen.  A few times to pick up a drunk friend. But I had to give that call once.

But anytime since after marriage that I would throw a party or invite people out or ask them to join me since I was having a rough time... I was told excuses why they couldn't come to me. My birthday parties where a bunch of lies after 21 people said they would come and a list of 40+ and only 8-10 would show up and one year it was only 5. People who once called me their friend... but I really wasnt it seems. 

Then there are those who just randomly stop talking and your not sure what the hell happend . but you move on wondering why? Closure is a luxury not always given it seems.


Where has the value of friendships gone? 
Why is it so common to have more acquaintances and an abundance of betrayers? 
Or toxic friends? 
Or the users? 

Where is the value? 
Where is the devotion and forever friends? 
Or those you can count on always?


A child knows when to disregard a person who is not genuine. A baby will cry when near a person who is not genuine. How do we loose that intuition to tell who will be one to trust always and one to walk away from.

Yes we need those horrible people at times to teach us who not to be or not to become. Or to grow as a person. But so many there is an overflow of these people and they need to back off.

But the reason it also stung is that I see my mother get calls/visits from friends all the time. Some days I want quiet times at the house or for no one to call while I am trying to have an outing with her. Or even talk to her at dinner instead of listening to her talk to other. But what most amazed me is a friend of hers that she has known for over 20 years helped out to take my grandmother to the hospital for some tests. The fact that the ones who help out dont question dont ask for a return in favor. they know its for a sense of community and helping out one another. And yes that hey maybe I can call her later for help if I do need it.

Or is the demographic location and cultural differences? Hispanic verse american? Or how they where brought up?

It seems I have more closer friends with those from other countries and other states, and few within the state. I know way more closer within 5 miles of myself and yet those people dont call or visit once. I did run into an old friend, we were the best of friends and then she stopped talking to me. I ran into her and of course I wasnt mean, i have so many memories with her but I know it could never go back to that... and that it can only be friendly exchanges.

I will get a random call from someone asking something and I disregard it, I stopped throwing parties and stopped celebrating my birthday. I dont need anymore disappointment from others. no thanks.

But sadly i only seem to attract those who want to leech off of me. Although my father says that I may have yet those who will stay my friends forever. In counting its 4.

 nothing I can do but just rant and keep going...

Chapter two

My darling Alice,

Its been 3 months since I kicked out your father for lack of love/trying/caring for you. It has been up and down with stress of working and being a mommy. Otherwise its been great, our health is better and we especially you have been surrounded by love and affection.

Its the life I wanted for you, full of love and attention and many arms that want to cuddle and hug you all day long. There is an infinate plethora of love for you. For there is no greater joy than being your mother.

I promise to do all that I can! And I have left my stressful job to focus on you. Today I was given a compliment "no ha visto nadi mas que queria a su hija como tu" I have not seen anyone else love their daughter as much as you do. It warmed my heart and soul.

This is the right path my tiny dreamer
<3 p="">

diving into book designs... again

I just finished my first kid book design!
I choose opposites since it is fun!
Plus I choose some of the basic words I would teach my daughter.

A hardback version and an EBook version as well!

http://www.blurb.com/user/store/leenstar

I did submit it to apple to see if they take it for ibooks, and I am wishful!

I hope it sells since I want to start a color book as well!