It is amazing how she has changed my life and I love it, I get to see life again and through her exploration, a great quote on Hannibal tv series that I can relate to:
"Young people are supposed to be the lens through which we see ourselves living beyond this life"But I am grateful and blessed for my daughter, when there seemed no more light to be shined onto me, a daughter was silently growing within me. The light was given, although my name means light bearer, the one who brings the light. She has brought it to me, and I have shared that light with family and friends. She lights up the room with her smiles and random baby jibber jabber. We all let go of the stress and sigh. As if we stopped to smell the roses and paused the chaos to take part in her smiles and look into her eyes with hope, new life she breathes into all of us.
Before her I was busy busy with life letting it pass me and not stopping to glance. I had moments where I would gander but it was nothing compared to how much I look, analyze, and take in all around me. But its do to some bermuda triangle of time effect.
When we are little time seems forever long, I know it did for me. Somewhere time speed up and then there wasn't enough time to do anything. But since I have had Alice time is both slow and fast. The days seem long some days and lots go into it and sometimes not much. But once she sleeps the night speeds up and I have lost 2 or more hours I could be sleeping and I realize time just flew by. 7 months has passed and yet it seems long and short, an effect that feels interesting.
Now it is amazing what all we take for granted, my daughter has been clapping for a few weeks now a task that seems so simple. Put both hands together and slap, but for a baby to coordinate that takes observation and random moments that lead to a clap and she looks up for acknowledgement and we clap back! Thus enforcing the approval of her newly discovered talent. Trying to crawl has been interesting to watch her try to grasp as well. But really anything is amazing to me since I notice how much she watches me to mimic me and when she does, she excels at it as well.
among these brightly colored days of love of course I have my self doubt days of what I am doing with my life. And late night thoughts of why this or that? I cannot help it, its what I do naturally.
Recently I have watch friends excel in jobs I wanted and have applied for before or even cared about. And yet they took no notice of before and now they have that job or in that career path. I try to go about it as well and with no luck I am casted out. I don't understand why this bad luck happens to me and yes I am aware we cant have everything.
But I have applied for many photography jobs and tried to get a leg into the field and yet I am pushed out, it seems the market is more for point click and done. Thats not me, I can do it and could do it for a job, but when I try to get people for a more fine art shot… yes I get people who claim they want to and then nothing. Just like the supposed friends all vanish when I reach out. I have tried to get into baby photography as well and take great pics of my daughter and get appraised by many around me, but yet no one asks me to photograph them either.
some weird luck of mine. Same goes with design...
And this often makes me question who am I, am I not good enough or what is the deal with me? I don't feel like I am not good enough but I know I am not the best. So it puts me in this situation of knowing who I am, but who are these people around me who call me friends or pretend to be in my life. And say great job and then turn their backs on me?
"I am who I have always been; the scales have fallen away from my eyes. I can see you now." ~Will Grahm/Hannibal
No comments:
Post a Comment