Random thoughts of my past

I have this lilac quilt, it's plain but it keeps me warm. I have had since my second apartment. When I was able to get out of my abusive relationship,  I had no bed, I had sheets and a cheap cover and this quilt that broke my budget. But I needed it and I still have it.

I would lay my covers first on the floor, then sheets then quilt, for a month I had no bed, I slept on the floor with my two kitties. 

I only had a bookshelf, tv, lamp, desk or furniture. I've come a long way up and fallen twice, had two exs keep my furniture since they were greedy. I had a house full of furniture once.

Now I'm down to a bed, end table, bookshelf, 2 dressers, my daughters bookshelf, changing table and a crib, rocker/glider and cat tower. It's more than I had in 2004, but less than 2007. It could be worse I could bed less with my daughter... But it's not. And this quilt continues to cover us, I hope it last for many more years. Since a few months ago I had to trash a quilt that was 29 years, I developed a rash from it. I'm 28, it had a great run. Now it's this lilac quilt turn... 9 years in counting.

Still thinking

Yesterday I loaded photos to my photography page. But prior to it I had to rummage digital through old photos. 

I came across pictures of him and I, my heart broke in echo. 

I could see my self so in love and vibrant, I could hear his false I love you's, I could feel the breeze from the streets in Stockholm. I could feel the pain reaching up to my neck to choke me. I stared like a ghost looking into a window of a world of once was, a place that is not meant for me.

I stared at all the places we traveled together, the relationship was something from a dream, and there was love and care, all the right words were said when together... Two souls meant to be together. So I thought and felt, my live for him was raw and purest real. But it was not meant to be and even worse since he got engaged less than 3 months later....

I haven't loved like that again, but instead it's stronger a purer now, since I found out I was becoming a mother. I looked at my daughter as she clutches my night gown while she slept peacefully. She would of been someone else if that relationship didn't end, I wouldn't be here in this bed. I kissed her head, she is my world now.

But a broken heart will echo over and over when it's around the source of pain...

Not sure

I am not sure what to do or change.

I have no luck in

- selling artwork traditional or design

- selling jewelry

- getting photoshoots even if I am going at a low price of $150

- cant get any clients for graphic design either lately

Nothing I do seems to work or sell, am I doing something wrong or am I that horrible?

I see others having better luck while I have nothing. I promote and share and post in different areas but nothing and the ones who do want something, want it for free. What kind of crap luck is this that I am having????

The worst part those who I have done stuff do not refer me either, I stopped doing free stuff too. Few friends do help but even then I am in a rut. 

I want out of this rut!

altercations

Lots have been going on and sometimes there is no time to post but self write into the walls of my mind. Yet I feel compelled to crawl into the cave and write, but then I walk out and hold my daughters hand.

It is amazing how she has changed my life and I love it, I get to see life again and through her exploration, a great quote on Hannibal tv series that I can relate to:

"Young people are supposed to be the lens through which we see ourselves living  beyond this life"

But I am grateful and blessed for my daughter, when there seemed no more light to be shined onto me, a daughter was silently growing within me. The light was given, although my name means light bearer, the one who brings the light. She has brought it to me, and I have shared that light with family and friends. She lights up the room with her smiles and random baby jibber jabber. We all let go of the stress and sigh. As if we stopped to smell the roses and paused the chaos to take part in her smiles and look into her eyes with hope, new life she breathes into all of us.

Before her I was busy busy with life letting it pass me and not stopping to glance. I had moments where I would gander but it was nothing compared to how much I look, analyze, and take in all around me. But its do to some bermuda triangle of time effect.

When we are little time seems forever long, I know it did for me. Somewhere time speed up and then there wasn't enough time to do anything. But since I have had Alice time is both slow and fast. The days seem long some days and lots go into it and sometimes not much. But once she sleeps the night speeds up and I have lost 2 or more hours I could be sleeping and I realize time just flew by. 7 months has passed and yet it seems long and short, an effect that feels interesting.

Now it is amazing what all we take for granted, my daughter has been clapping for a few weeks now a task that seems so simple. Put both hands together and slap, but for a baby to coordinate that takes observation and random moments that lead to a clap and she looks up for acknowledgement and we clap back! Thus enforcing the approval of her newly discovered talent. Trying to crawl has been interesting to watch her try to grasp as well. But really anything is amazing to me since I notice how much she watches me to mimic me and when she does, she excels at it as well.

among these brightly colored days of love of course I have my self doubt days of what I am doing with my life. And late night thoughts of why this or that? I cannot help it, its what I do naturally.

Recently I have watch friends excel in jobs I wanted and have applied for before or even cared about. And yet they took no notice of before and now they have that job or in that career path. I try to go about it as well and with no luck I am casted out. I don't understand why this bad luck happens to me and yes I am aware we cant have everything.

But I have applied for many photography jobs and tried to get a leg into the field and yet I am pushed out, it seems the market is more for point click and done. Thats not me, I can do it and could do it for a job, but when I try to get people for a more fine art shot… yes I get people who claim they want to and then nothing. Just like the supposed friends all vanish when I reach out. I have tried to get into baby photography as well and take great pics of my daughter and get appraised by many around me, but yet no one asks me to photograph them either.

some weird luck of mine. Same goes with design...

And this often makes me question who am I, am I not good enough or what is the deal with me? I don't feel like I am not good enough but I know I am not the best. So it puts me in this situation of knowing who I am, but who are these people around me who call me friends or pretend to be in my life. And say great job and then turn their backs on me?

"I am who I have always been; the scales have fallen away from my eyes. I can see you now." ~Will Grahm/Hannibal

It seems that if I don't drink or work with people anymore I don't get invited out. I see the pictures of the parties I get left out, even if kids are allowed.

I wonder why and how did I get so screwed with these fake friendships? Seriously why me? I was always there for them, you can call on me and I would be there... Still would. But nothing, as if I am non existent.

Sometimes I feel like its Alice and I against the world. Or that I am alone, with my family only. Mom and dad I mean.

I wish things would change in that aspect, I deserve and miss having a close friend nearby....

This Mother's Day it's just Alice and I alone. But I was able to spend medicos Mother's Day date with my dad. That was great.

Where has the value of friendships gone?

Something my mother said really struck a chord in my life. It not only shook it but also brought up old wounds.  She pointed out and said you had so many friends and not a single one ever visits you since you had your baby. Yep its been 4 only not including the baby shower. and excluding distant friends. In reality no one has visited me since I got married really. I used to get visitors all the time while in college like I was some BnB. I was always the visitor, getting called to go keep a friend company at home or a bar. Few times to go eat with them. 

I seem to always be the one to call on for a favor, help or to listen. I would get late calls or even while I was broke to please come join them. And there I would drive out to hang out and listen.  A few times to pick up a drunk friend. But I had to give that call once.

But anytime since after marriage that I would throw a party or invite people out or ask them to join me since I was having a rough time... I was told excuses why they couldn't come to me. My birthday parties where a bunch of lies after 21 people said they would come and a list of 40+ and only 8-10 would show up and one year it was only 5. People who once called me their friend... but I really wasnt it seems. 

Then there are those who just randomly stop talking and your not sure what the hell happend . but you move on wondering why? Closure is a luxury not always given it seems.


Where has the value of friendships gone? 
Why is it so common to have more acquaintances and an abundance of betrayers? 
Or toxic friends? 
Or the users? 

Where is the value? 
Where is the devotion and forever friends? 
Or those you can count on always?


A child knows when to disregard a person who is not genuine. A baby will cry when near a person who is not genuine. How do we loose that intuition to tell who will be one to trust always and one to walk away from.

Yes we need those horrible people at times to teach us who not to be or not to become. Or to grow as a person. But so many there is an overflow of these people and they need to back off.

But the reason it also stung is that I see my mother get calls/visits from friends all the time. Some days I want quiet times at the house or for no one to call while I am trying to have an outing with her. Or even talk to her at dinner instead of listening to her talk to other. But what most amazed me is a friend of hers that she has known for over 20 years helped out to take my grandmother to the hospital for some tests. The fact that the ones who help out dont question dont ask for a return in favor. they know its for a sense of community and helping out one another. And yes that hey maybe I can call her later for help if I do need it.

Or is the demographic location and cultural differences? Hispanic verse american? Or how they where brought up?

It seems I have more closer friends with those from other countries and other states, and few within the state. I know way more closer within 5 miles of myself and yet those people dont call or visit once. I did run into an old friend, we were the best of friends and then she stopped talking to me. I ran into her and of course I wasnt mean, i have so many memories with her but I know it could never go back to that... and that it can only be friendly exchanges.

I will get a random call from someone asking something and I disregard it, I stopped throwing parties and stopped celebrating my birthday. I dont need anymore disappointment from others. no thanks.

But sadly i only seem to attract those who want to leech off of me. Although my father says that I may have yet those who will stay my friends forever. In counting its 4.

 nothing I can do but just rant and keep going...

Chapter two

My darling Alice,

Its been 3 months since I kicked out your father for lack of love/trying/caring for you. It has been up and down with stress of working and being a mommy. Otherwise its been great, our health is better and we especially you have been surrounded by love and affection.

Its the life I wanted for you, full of love and attention and many arms that want to cuddle and hug you all day long. There is an infinate plethora of love for you. For there is no greater joy than being your mother.

I promise to do all that I can! And I have left my stressful job to focus on you. Today I was given a compliment "no ha visto nadi mas que queria a su hija como tu" I have not seen anyone else love their daughter as much as you do. It warmed my heart and soul.

This is the right path my tiny dreamer
<3 p="">

diving into book designs... again

I just finished my first kid book design!
I choose opposites since it is fun!
Plus I choose some of the basic words I would teach my daughter.

A hardback version and an EBook version as well!

http://www.blurb.com/user/store/leenstar

I did submit it to apple to see if they take it for ibooks, and I am wishful!

I hope it sells since I want to start a color book as well!

my Alice

She is my light when all is dark and I feel hopeless
she is my cure to end my depression when things fall apart.
she is my love, never ending and the one who needs me forever.
she is all that I ever dreamed and wished for in life.

Chapter one begins with a prologue

My darling daughter Alice, a new and first chapter starts today feb 10,2013. And also the Chinese New Year, year of the snake. Your father is gone and it is and now you and I, together we will write our story. This is my prologue to you Alice.

Your father and I did love each other for some time, but the relationship started on a shaky foundation. I tried too hard to keep him and I together.., but beer, ciggs, and lies we're much more important to him than me at first. He would prefer to be at bar than with me one night he said "I don't want to see you tonight, I rather go to the bar". It stung, then another time that I was saying I love you too much, so I stopped and rarely said it to almost nothing. There are more instances I rather or get into. But he walked over me, lied, made me cry, didn't help or bother to care for him and I. He was supposed to leave sooner but we found out we were pregnant. I was so joyous and filled with love, a tiny life was inside of me, a blessing.
I tried harder to make things work, they would for a few days but the it would fall apart again. I struggled in the pregnancy, having to clean, cook, work and try my best to care for us. While he mostly only drank and smoked outside. Yes he would occasionally help but it was almost rare. Toi many times I had to clean the tub myself and it was hard with a belly and all those chemicals!
Then labor came, in the middle of pushing to help you enter this world, he puts my leg down and says he is tired and needs coffee and leaves. The dr and nurses large at him. I try a few more pushes then got prepped for emergency c-section..,, he almost missed your birth, it is forever unforgivable. Then after night one, he leaves us to go buy a beer... He slept once in the hospital... He rather go home where he could drink. I hate him for that.
Then for the first two months he ignored you a bit and only held you 6 times. Yea he would tell you I love you here and there... it wasn't till I told him he had a month to move out that he tried to talk to you more and realized you enjoyed being talked to(although he saw me doing it every day).

So here I type this while you sleep in my arms peacefully. We start the Chinese New Year together as chapter one...

a relationship coming to an end

The end seems inevitable... 

especially in relationships. What started shaky and then had 

its ok moments then fell apart completely. I will never date

another guy who smokes, or drinks heavily. An occasional

seems ok but at the same time not at all. I wont date someone

who is not good with kids or pets. I will not date another

narcissi or egotistical guy ever again. Or a guy who is a slob.

I am a girl with baggage...

I am a mother to a beautiful daughter and

to four cats I took in from off the streets.

All which I have told I will never leave

or abandon, together forever, a real

forever that will last. I am aware that 

in the future a guy may not like me for 

these reasons, but that is ok. I know that

situation is not for me, I can do better!

No matter the Chaos I will survive...

I seems to keep getting in situations where I get buried and am left as a corpse

to rot in my coffin, but I keep rising out of even if I am dragging my mangled

heart and soul out, I drag on, i walk on and I run on to the next life challenge. 

Now I have a greater reason to carry on for her, even if I have to drag on with 

her on my back on a cushy seat and shielding her from the pain I go through, 

I will go on crawling through the chaos till I can walk straight up and have her 

in my arms kissing her sweet face to show I can survive. And make sure she

will see and be a strong woman as well.

My daughter Alice

A lot has happend since I gave birth to my daughter on Nov 17, 10:03am.

For one the day before my water broke I was already leaking went to the ER at 1am when it leaked faster worried, but I like mad got home from work to build the rocking chair that finally came in to be ready. It wasn't my water or bladder so I was sent home at 2cm dilated.

I didn't go to work that friday the 16th, but went out for a late lunch and came home at 5:25pm and went to the bathroom. I saw a big pimple and was confused when it got there, I popped it. Jokingly I said "Ok alice im ready for you", GUSH my water broke in a massive amount. Im rushing grabbing stuff and changed pance to pj pance and yell we need to go now! and we drive to the hospital in traffic, im sitting on a towel to avoid getting my car seat wet.

We get there and I am not feeling my contractions till about midnight and wow, the pain!!! I had to get drugs, then the epideral since the pain was worse than my worst cramps. Beats having my teeth pulled and having kidney failure. WOW the pain was emerse. but after the pain I was ok. I pushed for an hour and half but she was not passing my pubic bone and then I began to swell from the inside and basically shut due to the lubicant they put on  thier gloves. Then I had to get an emergency C section. I felt all the pain even with all the drugs since they pushed on my fibroids, (i didnt remember till my bf showed me the video) and then I heard her cry, my little Alice was born.

We were in the hospital for 4 days (costly!!)  We went home for one night only to have to go to the Pediatric since her bouillon ribbions were too high, only to have to go right back to the hospital for two more days. While in the hospital room I was looking at the kid artwork in the room and in the corner it's written "aileen" I was shocked since I am Aileen, Alice's middle name  is aileen and there was a painting by Aileen. As if the universe knew that we would cross this path, a reflection.






but after that she was find till she had a food allergy to her formula, and we switched formulas and doctors, the new doctor is so great with alice! The other time we had to go to the ER was due to too much diaherra, then 2 days later she is well but I broke out in hives just randomly.

Luckily now we are ok and still adjusting. Overall the chaos, lack of sleep, odd schedule and running around and having to had to walk in the hospital in fresh stitches, being peed on and pooped on... I am very happy to be a mommy to my daughter

pregnancy coming to an end

This pregnancy has been interesting for sure and some pains which I was not ready for, but my daughter will be worth it. at 35 weeks but possibly 37 weeks. Since most due dates are either off by 2-4 weeks. Which is strange with all the advances in the medical fields but every women's body is different.

For one not everyone has Fibroids like I do, I am at 4 large count, and who knows how many more not seen. All due to my hormones being active and ensuring that Alice grows well. But luckily they are not in her way or stunting her growth. She is growing fast an gaining weight as well. But it is a sign that she is healthy. and that is all that matters to me.

Other than that I have been busy working an also nesting even though I think its more of my OCD/need to organize gifts. My daughter's nursery has been done for a while but with all the gifts she has gotten it its more organizing for practically. Plus the number one gift I got was wipes... 3000 sheets worth. then #2 was socks, i can go 2 months without washing! the packed corner will be covered by the open door. I couldn't find an under crib storage that fit they were all too tall which made no sense since its a generic crib.  I need more books to read to her, and she could use more toys just not small toys/trinkets. But i am happy with her room, I have maxed out the room but still found a way to keep it organized.

im ready for my daughter after Thursday when I get the rocker in thanks to piling up gift cards.

It takes a village to raise a child, but a village came together to help pitch in with gifts and essistenals for my baby. Alice is loved and I am grateful for it <3 p="p">