travel

To travel is a great experience but the cost is not always so friendly. Its extremely costly in the summer, but what can I do, I want to go back to Stockholm to tour the city again, I want to move there, and see some friends as well.

I miss them, as well walking the streets admiring the beauty of the architecture and counting how many McD's there are within a few blocks of each other. This amuses me to see how many there are its like an epidemic of these fast food chains. But I do love the feeling of walking around and trying to familiarize and memorize the area so its clear in my mind and memories. Watching the people walk, the way they dress, listening to the sounds of their beautiful language and listening to the traffic of their cars, sounds so different from here, and yet more homely.

My heart says Stockholm is home, Helsinki is a good place to visit and it calms me to be there, but it was never 100% home feeling just 50% my escape from home. Once I was in the streets of Stockholm it was 100%. How can I deny my heart what it is seeking? I wont give up, but there are things/issues still here holding me down and it feels unfair... I know have patience, everything happens for a reason. If its mine to happen it will happen just have to wait. But like a child on its birthday awaiting to open the gifts, I am there at that anxiousness and excitement.

I want to run now and not walk, but I may trip and fall, either way I will get back again and keep trying. Fate is on my side this time, it has helped me twice already to reach someone, I think its just the beginning.

unclear minds

I have an unclear mind cluttered with more than my own thoughts, a box of secrets from various people that came open. In it it hold their thoughts, opinions, their bad days, their sorrow everything that fuels pessimism. From both males & females, just jumbling around in my mind mixing and like a parasite feeding my own thoughts and making me vulnerable to my flaws. I cant help but to get depressed again, jealous, angry, annoyed, its eating at me. Its about 25 different problems...

I am spilling out this info here in hope it goes away like a bad memory and shuts the box or purges out the thoughts, whats the point in keeping some of this info? I dont know and wont know why some lingers more than others. But it seems there is different sickness and technology is failing, relationships are shattering faster this month alone. This seems to be a bad month a hurricane of issues pilled up, and I am here trying to swallow the bad and convert it to a better time.

I have been able to control most of my nightmares now, slowly and surly trying to keep that balance and convert it to peaceful sleep for another and to let me rest as well. So far so good, but when things like this spill over im bound for more nightmares tonight, I am really tired but avoiding sleep.

the only thing thats keeping me sane right now is the love i am getting from one person. its beautiful and warm, i cant lose it now, I need it more than oxygen.

one year ago

one year ago as I waited on the planes to take me back home from Helsinki, its been one year since my eyes collided and met one individual. I gained a group of people who would become a set of beautiful friendships that would understand me on a level like never before. But there is one that stands out the most <3

its been one month day since we first kissed, and first melted as one... i miss him so much. There is not enough words to justify how much i miss him.

breed of new nightmare

I was a the top of the stairs looking down at the basement in some old house that was a country setting but the house was in grey and white not black/white but grey and white. I didn't feel safe being there and there is this older lady with an apron on, telling me to go down to the basement. If not she was going to push me in and lock me in there. I look down again and I see the demon who plagues my nightmares where sometimes i lose reality and wake up with marks on my body. I am aware its a dream but as I turn around the old lady pushes me in and I almost fall down but grab on to the wooden hole filled rail and as i look back at her with fear and watch the light go away I hear it coming for me faster and... i wake up

I sprung out of bed with my heart racing too fast it took a bit to catch my breathe. Its been a while since i felt fear in my dreams even with nightmares i normally wake up like normal... this is new, new setting too.

the hunter

I am hunting hotels/flights to Stockholm, trying for 5 nights in a hotel and 2 with another friend at her place. But it depends on my roommate, if they can stay just 3-4 then just those days in hotel and then head over to my friends place.

I want to head back to Stockholm it feels like that's where I belong and I was clam and happy even if I was uncomfortable in the shoes i wore last time, but now I know this is where I really want to move, my body is still on their time zone! It will be hard not to run away from my flight when its time to go back home.

My heart and soul are in sweden its time I go back!

deadly love

more artwork inspired by my muse, its hard not to think of things, they come at me like a tsunami, but not all of them go onto paper or digital pixels.

let me slip into your mind

I have always wanted to know what goes on peoples minds what they think, how they function, the emotion they feel or portray is it genuine? What neurons are going off and how different are they from me?

Tonight I got to read into a beautiful mind, it has its tragic moments, but all the good and bad thoughts shared are beautiful to me. They are a masterpiece I want to have and admire, truly made of so many parts and it fascinates me. I want to know more, more, more! But not so much I am raping them from their memories or mind and sucking all words out of the brain.

I am learning about this person, and its an honor to read the inner workings and at the same time i want to sooth this person with my own aura. I can only attempt to but how can I? I have also let this person slip into my mind, but I am not great at explaining my thoughts on me, just let it flow out of me like a bleeding cut so raw.

I want to embrace this soul, and hold it to make sure they take the comfort and love it seeks, be the vampire to my emotions, I offer them in exchange for their past negativity. Feed me their tears, blood, and sins and I will convert them to love and happiness and comfort.

so please let me slip into your mind

love effects

I burn the carcass of my past in exchange for the love that is breathed into me.
The past burns turns into a pile of dust and I am blowing it away
and setting my soul free with the love that wrap me up in
I let your love shower me, see the blood and tears stains run off of me
my naked body is exposed
and i am comfortable in my skin again
the love of my life has set me free
my wings can grow and span once more
no more bound to the damnation of failed fake love
but lifted by the sweetness of a higher true love

prayer for love

Love is patient and kind
Love is not jealous or boastful
it is not arrogant or rude
it does not insist on its way
it is not irritable or resentful
it does not rejoice in the right
Love bears all things, believes all things
hopes all things and endures all things
Love never ends
~ I Cor.13

a prayer card given to me on my wedding, I just found it and the more I think about it all these didnt happen in my first marriage, no wonder the love died. Or better yet any of my past relationships weren't like this... but I do have something like this in way now... art inspired by the prayer card

March 19-23

March 19-23 is a mesh og great memories and moments of uber fun at the concerts and hanging out with the band Violent Divine, such great guys that everyone should see live! SO i'll just post some pics pics, most can be found on facebook,myspace, deviantart, flickr. Such a great trip I miss it allot!

photo by sweet vampire (sara) photo by mike divine, thanks for taking a pic of me <3

Back to Helsinki

I try to sleep like a bum on the benches but cant since there was different men trying to be near each time so I said fuck it I’ll sit in different areas till I can find a good spot. The wait for Deanna seems endless but eventually we meet up to find out she is on another flight but leaves at the same time as us. So we split to our terminals after awhile, which my mine didn’t have a gate yet but I knew the terminal side it would take off from. The wait to leave again is endless as I am restless and ready to take a nap on the short flight. Around 10am the gate is posted and as I walk towards it and back I run into Kaylin where we talk and eat and I get to try this delicious Swedish muffin. Once we are on I rummage the newspaper in the seat and noticed Nemi is in it and tear it out to keep. After that I crash and 7 songs later we have landed back in Helsinki. Once we land we had to go to the other side of the airport to get Deanna, where we run into Red Devil and all take a taxi to our hotels. Deanna and I share the room for a night and we hang out and then head to the grocery store, then come back to eat. Soon after that we are walking about to Igunana’s to meet up with Jo, Ash, Amanda, & Kristy(?SP). Take 2 shots of javolina a traditional Finnish drink that Jaani had introduced to me, it’s a blend of congac and rum, it burns and is strong but great stuff. After that we walk Jo to her hotel but drunk aileen then takes Deanna & myself back to the hotel were we crash early me from drinking and her from jet lag. And of course once again I wake up at 4am.

Stockholm bound

Get up at 4:20am just to get ready but once again I tossed and turned from the excitement of getting to go to Stockholm. So I get up and get ready I am almost done and Kaylin arrives, we walk back to my room so I can finish getting ready, then we head downstairs to wait for our taxi to take us to the airport. We wait at the airport just talking, and ready for our interviews, she has the job already but she has to give a presentation, and I am selling my artwork. I am still sore on my right leg but I am still walking around on it taking pics of Stockholm near by where the interview was, and eventually I find a bookstore, where I wonder looking around at and kill a good chunk of my time. Then I head to the interview all goes well and she gives me advice, and what she can do for me to help me find a job in Stockholm. After the Interview I meet up with Suz at the central station where we take a while to find each other, but manage to anyway. After that we walk to the mall so I can use the bathroom to change tops, but I had to pay 10SEK to use it which to me was an amazing concept. After that we walk around and she gives me some history on the palace and takes me into the souvenir shops as well in side the old part of the city. We stop for coffee since my leg is killing me, we talk about this and that. We then take the subway to the Hardrock café where we eat and have fun, talk about boys and such it was such a great time! After that she walks me to the airport train and I am on my way back to the airport to wait for Deanna & Kaylin to head back to Helsinki.

Drama Stress

After waking up to go to the bathroom, I turn on my mac to get on the net and check my email and load pics… but it wont turn on it just beeps at me without any thing else working. WTF?!!? I am stressed agitated texting my dad and Kristina to help me since how else can I get on and see what’s up since I’m many hours away from the closest Mac store being open, and hoping its just something basic. I gave up after 2 hours of trying and stressing, so I try to force myself back to sleep till the stores open. But I toss and turn and now I have to go and buy more memory cards. I get back up and shower and get ready to go to the store with my lil computer. I walk all the way to the Gloria since that’s the only one I have noticed (later I find out there was one way closer to the hotel). They listen to the beeps and say it’s a hardware error and it will take a week, and I have to tell him I’m not from here or here that long, so I go back to the hotel stressed and bummed to death that my mac is busted. My stomach turns thinking about my job apps, class work sitting on my desktop, this stresses me even more! I get on the internet on the TV in the room but it lags to death and luckily I find my job app links jot them down and plan to log into the computers at the airport in Stockholm. Then I head out to look for an electronic store in the closest shopping center and I manage to find a 16BG card, buy it and its $91, I take it back and put it in my camera and it wont work, I look at the card and its HD, that wont work with my nikonD50 at all so I go back and exchange it for 3 2GB cards and I manage to pull my muscle in my right leg so now I am also limping and walking to get this issue resolved. Then I head into a goth shop called “Morticas” bought a scarf and skirt there, then head back to the hotel. I end up napping and woken up by Ash’s text that she is in town and wanting to go out so I head over to meet up with her and we walk the night as I take pics and then stop in McDonald since I’m snackish for some chicken nuggets with coffee, omg they had sugar cubes I was excited! Then I head back to the hotel and pack for Stockholm, email sarah and mike, then to bed.