seal it with a kiss

another poem/song

:grip:
how do I look away
should I break from your hold
I break my heart without you knowing
its not like you loved me
its not like you showed it really
but did you ever know I loved you

I loved you as I watching you
glowed under the lights
just like a haze of a dream
I was drawn to look into your eyes
waited for you to give your soul & heart
you were close to me
time stood still
my heart pounded

but that was then and this is now
bound by a love that was impossible
forsaken by your poisonous sweetness
I dug my grave to get closer... closer

how do I look away
how can I not look at you without losing my breath
how do I erase you from my mind

I cant look away
I want to plunge into your eyes and arms
and feel that comfort that seems to be there
Let me be naive and build my death around these memories
but do you even know I loved you
before you strung me on your web

------------------------------------------------
just came to me without thinking

~leenstar

dreaming of John Lennon

I am walking down a cobble stone street and have my camera ready in hand. The street is grey and shadowed, I look up and its night time but not pitch black but a dark charcoal color, there is fog and in front of me is a old stone building that looked like it was a factory some time in the 1930's. To my left i see a lamp post and note tapped in blue tape, "this way" it read. I walk towards the door but it open before me and there is chairs and instruments everywhere and as i take 6 steps in the door shuts and John Lennon says "welcome, take a seat more will come in a bit, here is your pen and paper. Oh good you brought your camera."So i take this little black notebook that is cloth bound, and a pink pen, and walk towards the middle of the room and then find a seat. As I sit down, more people come in and get greeted and grab a chair near an instrument but everyone has the same notebook as I do. I did manage to notices a few others just had the notebook only, and this made me wonder "they are musicians and song writers, what am I doing here?" I look at my lap i have my black skirt on and leggings, mary janes and a grey shirt. But then there is a silence as John walks to small stage in front, he begins to say "we have a gift, and a message to give some of us can only tell that message with songs, pictures, drawings, and music. We do not know words that technological to our feelings, but we have emotion within our words to make them feel... its called love of expression. We are here together to inspire each other, and move forward." He walks off the stage and walks over to a radio and plays this majestic tune on a piano, and in an instant images, words are being flashed in my mind. I begin to write and draw in my notebook as so everyone else is writing and composing but nothing clashes it all works together in some way. I stop to listen and take in the hundreds of different noises, and it is calming, but familiar... i have heard this pitch before... but where... an image interrupters my thoughts, and John looks at me and says "love knows no limit, no boundaries, or dilemma for it causes dilemmas in our hearts which is uncontrollable, its not something to analize but instead its something to embrace and take the walk with for a higher connection. Not with just the person but with oneself." I tear up as he walks away, and look down at my notebook its more than halfway full. I get up and walk towards the door, i take one look back at the peace and harmony being made within the noise and people, and take the step out the door. As I walk back up to the lamp there is a new note with the symbol of pause on it. Within a second someone calls out my name, as i turn to look I wake up.

thinking of helsinki

Oh helsinki, helsinki its almost time to go back to your cold city of delight! I dont miss the streets that were at an incredible slant that made it a workout in itself to get up, that was crazy but worth it. Oh yea the heavy doors that I cant push on my own, talk about feeling weak! But at last I can have some finnish cookies! Been craving them since I left last year. Maybe this time if I see Jyrki waling down the street I wont look so lost looking at him like a fan girl. Lame! I have a picture with him but still he can stun me. Great guy though does allot charitable stuff and his group The 69 Eyes been together for 20 rocking years!
if i wasnt into the the 69 eyes I would of never meet Mama Trash & the wonderful girls on the staff or Violent Divine... its always interesting to see how things align. But then again I have a ton to look forward to this year besides seeing friends and meeting new ones. Allot more pictures to take and make my way to the cemetery this year to photograph these graves that have a lantern near them, reminds me of japanese grave sites, I wonder if it was influenced from there.

Trains trains

From plane flights to train rides will make this trip an adventure to treasure. 14 days till I leave. Once more I will see the familar face of what once where 2d pictures come to life as 3D living flesh with sound. Some old and a few new faces to interact and befriend with, I cant wait.

.:charm & words:.

.:charm:.
you kept standing out in the crowd
we are two star crossed lovers
with a secret connection
waiting to embrace,
but it is too soon or too late
addicted to you from the start
Pulled into the night I walked
merging into the shadows
the sun is rising and forbidding me to see you
oh sweet starry night come to me now
i want to see him once more


.:words:.
It is typed in black the color that hold the cryptic meanings that are being pushed into the infinite sea of whiteness. It is everything that was ever written to be said. Sweetness and playful to lead the heart into a blanket of confusion. Its the patches for the broken soul. It is comfort and care on black pixels. It is there forever until the screen goes out, but even then it will always be there with the push of a button.

dreaming of sweden

I was in a meeting with 2 guys who were saying "we want to send you to Sweden to test you out, if it works out then you have the job" They hand over all the documents for work, and a plane ticket, and its for the next day. So I race home pack as fast as I can and my gmail alert goes off its a friend asking with help with his myspace page again. I tell him that "I will be in Sweden in 2 days, don't tell him, its work related" He replied "ok but i need help first". Its the next day and i am walking in the airport to Sweden all ready to go, I get on then I am again in the airport but hearing Swedish words and Finnish and other languages. This really nerdy guy picks me up and we head back to his apartment and he tells me what we need to do for this project. We head out into the street to photograph what is needed. I get a text asking if I had arrived, reply back "yes but I am already working ttyl". I am in the center or some park taking a picture of a street and felt as if I am being watched, I turn around its him.

.:kiss:.

I looked for you and didn't see you
my heart sunk at the loss of your presence
then there you were as I ordered my drink
I look to the left and there you stood
I walked towards you
the magnetic charm pulled me to you
about to grab your jacket sleeve & hand
but you turned and smiled
i loved your smiled
I gained my confidence with the second drink
I went to look for you
and again same spot you were there
as if you were waiting
I asked for a kiss
but not expecting it
you kissed my face with such grace
sweet warm chills spread from your kiss
time stopped, my eyes closed
feeling you kiss throughout me
such sweet bliss from an innocent kiss
you started to end you kiss
time started slowly back up

the one dollar bill & heart cloud

It was $24 I handed over to the cashier. One of the $1 bills had a name, a name that has followed me since I first laid eyes on him in person. It made me smile and when I looked in my wallet there was an extra $10. A true connection the universe has spoken... dont let go.

another time there i was feeling past cloud 9, I was on on cloud 50 looking down at cloud 9. I had received one sweet email and it made me want to listen to all the lovey songs my ipod possessed and as I looked up I saw a cloud in shape of a heart, and quickly I snapped a picture of it with my cellphone.

<3

A collection of dreams

I've decided to make this journal my dream journal and random writes on subjects. My personal journal will still remain on livejournal.

For weeks on and off I have been dreaming my life in rewind.


I am in the hallway again looking on to see rows of doors to my left and right, the carpet is red, and the doors are silver with white door knobs to the ones I have not entered. The others are open creaked doors that are playing on old metal reels showing that part in my life. Not all of them are clear some are fuzzy and distorted. I keep walking past the open and closed doors since I can not open a door of the past I have to walk up to the point the door are white, like blank slates ready to be the next fork in my road. The walls are always black like the abyss of my thoughts. I stand still when I finally walk past my doors... and this time I look back and the memories are spilling out of the doors as if they were severed veins. They are filling the ground up and i watch the bloody memories fill up to my knees and think, was it worth it. I dont move and its going up to my shoulders now, I take a step forward and it goes down to my stomach. I keep taking small steps as i look for a door to go into, another fork in the road that could either try and break me or make me. I saw one glow gold with an image of a broken heart... I stand right in front and all the blood memories reside back into the doors. I think, "its time to break my heart once more, how else will I progress." I open the door and there is the man by the tree again waiting...

____________

another transition dream I had was at an airport on Dec4-5
I am walking with my luggage carry on though the airport lobby looking for G3-19. Its the same carry-on bag I took to Helsinki, I am wearing my purple dress with the red/black/white scarf and laptop bag in my hand. I am walking in what looks like a cross of the Houston/Amsterdam/Detroit/Jamaica/Helsinki airport all in one. The sky is bright blue as i look up at the glass sky, and grey, blue, & white colors are the interior. The crowd is only of the people I know, meet, or even random strangers I remember seeing all dressed in either winter or summer beach wear. I come up to my gate and sit down in some grey plastic chairs that are comfortable. I put the luggage under my feet, look at the ticket and clock I have an hour till I leave, but it doesn't say where. As I look up there is a man named David Icke sitting across from me and he began to speak: "we are meant to travel, at the begging of time it was by foot, then we progressed to horses, then boats, cars, and eventually made it to planes. We are meant to seek what climates we prefer and what scenery we want to see since we are given the choice to travel. Its a survival aspect that not everyone chooses, and wanting to get away is instinct." David gets up and walks away, I look to see him disappear into the familiar faces crowd. As I take a drink of water that I pulled out of my bag, another woman sits down in front of me, a stranger but i remember her colorful deco scarf. She says: "I think its wonderful your traveling and moving, don't lose hope it will happen." She gets up and leaves. The flight attendant calls over the intercom and announces its time to board the plane. I get up and head towards the door, and I look back at myself and say "its time to take this journey, no looking back ever."

____________

I do remember all my dreams, its always so clear and vivid. When I dont remember is not meant to be yet.

Where have they all gone?

Why is it that friendships are easy to lose as time passes and there are few who stay. But an online friend who lives in another state or country will outlast a friend that lives 3miles away? Or an acquaintance will check on you more often than your "real" friends when you have fallen, or birthday?

Where have they all gone? The ones who grew up with me, the ones that stood by me, have dwindled to almost none. The few that stayed don't even live in the same city. The ones that were there are now faded but stayed with each other, excluded me as if I were erased or never was there in the first place.

I was social once but that was slaughtered by those close to me, still trying to but not trusting so easily. Erased by others when I thought everything was good... getting married caused more of this to speed up. I announced that I was planning on moving out of the country, they came back. I announced I was laid off and they disappeared again.

Be my friend or bow out, but don't sting me along for when you just need me, I want to be able to run to you too when I am down. I want to have that trust, and not the empty words of "You can always come to me when something is wrong".

I am tired of this game and observing it, it had to be mentioned.