long time no see

It has been since 2015 since I made my last entry. There has been so much that has happened and not all good.

As a mother and female I have  been growing, expanding my soul, acquiring more patience and watching her grow up. I am able to witness how we learn and how the mind puts peices together. I am been gifted to witness it before my very eyes daily. there is not a moment she is not learning and achieving.

I also had to go through with my family see the house flood. All the important items, documents and furnishings destroyed. As well as trying to save photographs that had no negatives to reprint. The ripping of 6ft pieces of sheet rock. Family, friends and Neighbors helping each other help salvage the house structures. Red Cross providing water and meals, also churches giving lunches and not caring what religion anyone was but a lunch made with love and hope. Everyone worked together as a village and not a community. Hugs and tears and frustrations all shared. Together we moved forward watching small mountain piles of what was once a house on the sidewalks. Broken items, water damaged beds, toys, shelves, clothes and so much what grows within a home as we age. All ages affected here there was no room for religion, age or status. We all were damaged within our house by the very source that helps give us life. But we are still moving along from this damage and the year since it flooded is soon. April 18.

As usual I have made and disconnected friendships, something that is more than normal. It is truly peculiar to experience and watch unravel like a written book that has blank pages full of uncertainty. But at the same time I have lost interest in caring. People come and go and if they cant stick around that is fine too. Until another time but the strings of fate thin and break, but the memory remains. Memories are good and enough for me nowadays.

I have expanded and slowed down my Graphic Design/Photography Business, Sewing Business and now I am looking into making a home baker cookie business. Keep expanding my traits and my passion for art.

I am afterall a tree of my own creativity, I expand in all directions. But more complex than the syntax in my brain.

hopeful heart

My heart has been revived and at peace, 

it feels nice to be this calm. 

It is a lake that is getting filled 

moderately fast with happiness.

it looks like a river of blood,
but it is a river of life
and happiness

for the color of love is red

once fallen and empty the heart

continues to grow and reshape.
my heart is not the same but
it is learning always
but willing to learn for more

more love and more hope.

falling apart again...

No one is perfect. Some flaws we accept and others we look away from. But the ones we can't handle we walk away from. No one is perfect. He has a sunny outside and possible a demon to hide but all demons need to be tamed anyway. Im nice but with a monster rage of a temper when pushed. I am also a crybaby. I am a demon with a angels heart.  The heart sings a song out and sometimes another heart sings the same song and nothing can stop that song no walls, devices, internet or even oceans apart.

My heart has been ripped, cut, torn , blended to hell and back. It barely holds a form. Something about mi sol knocked out all of my walls and exposed my heart. That is rare. And something that rare needs a chance. 

Mi Sol could be a stepping stone, he showed me I can still fall hard like the first time and it is possible one day I can fall in love. If it rips more, oh well I pick it back up but this time with confidence that I can love behind the demon exterior. If it works out then good. He already made my heart skip beats feel alive , since my depression i gave up playing the guitar. Last week when my heart fluttered the most i craved to play the guitar again and music filled my soul the first time in 8 years. I started drawing a bit more. But even the sadness fueled me to sew a ton of projects.

I need and want that balance of a single person filling me with creative desire. a muse but also a lover is the holiest combination gift from god. I am willing to bet you aren't even aware how hard you have tangled my heart strings. But its my fault for giving into the sweetness. I put my walls up again with a heavy heart hoping and waiting for him to show up from behind wrapping me up in his sunny embrace. But I can not hold my breathe either.

.:Mi Sol:.

I am but the night's moon light in your presence watching you from the among the stars. That beautiful glow gleaming life into the lands. That beautifully adorned smile soothes the hearts of many and they smile back upon your smile. Like a sweet kiss dipped in gold. 

Every night I pause to admire your gorgeous soul that glimmers with happiness within your smile. That smile, I touch my lips wondering if I could just kiss it at least once. And knowing that I will not be satisfied with just one kiss. 

Mi Sol, i feel in love with you, without even knowing I did.

been a while

it has been a while again since I sat down and blogged, I have been blogging about anime via an anime community app. It has been fun but I do think I should come back here.

Lots has gone on, I am turning 31 soon my daughter will be 3 as well.

Time is progressing forward so much the past is just a blur and almost like a lost dream in a haze of lack of sleep. Motherhood is interesting but I could use more sleep. Said every mother ever.

I have made some new friends and already semi lost some due to them being unnecessarily rude. Nothing out of the ordinary when making online friends. Just not in the mood to deal with any drama. I have managed to clear it out of my life by 90%.


Halloween is coming up and I look forward to it the most!

My dreams are more hopeful

The most random dream to occur, was Me and 4 children trying to get ready to go on an adventure. My Daughter, toddler twins and a 6 month old baby all being carried in my arms/back. My daughter looks to be 5 also. That is a quality of a supermom. I could hear my future partner calling out to us, all 5 of yell a form of yesssss.

It made me smile to awake from thinking some how after all that has passed that a happiness could await Alice & I. She would have more siblings and a future father figure who knows how to love. The fact that I would be covered in so much love almost seems like a dream only.

Then as I woke up the reality hit me, I could not even imagine the mess 5 kids will make at all ages! Of course I laughed.

But what if somehow I have set in motion already the possibility of that path? Like a innder clockwork clogs shifting for the first time in years, grinding off the dust into a smooth rhythm.

Onwards we go!

I said it, no going back

I finally posted it about how dead tired I am of people saying "lets hang out" and yet never picking a day when I ask them when they are free. They just never reply again or say it at another time.

DEAD TIRED OF IT

that is not friendship, you make time to message at least once a week or few weeks. Those are just random acquaintances and they needed to be called out.

I already had deleted a ton of contacts off my cell just because they don't message back or hey they haven't sent 1 single message in over a year. Yep that is an obviously not a friend. This is not the time when keeping in touch was harder to do, not the 40's people. Instead there are oodles of way to stay in touch via text, email, social media, chat apps that don't use up text messaging, video chats and good ole snail mail.

Not sure why people don't value friendship more or just pretend to be a friend. I don't get it.

but because I am tired of it, I am not trying to keep in touch at all, no more bothering. I refuse to invite anyone out anymore since no one keeps their word on showing up. I am better off asking strangers to join me.

At least i have those who close to me even if we are far apart, and the new friends on the anime community. Daily talks, imagine that!

but fully pulling all those strings people tried to keep on me have been severed off,
no more, no thanks.

stress from all sides

stress attacks from all sides that are visible and invisible.
it is not funny anymore, I'm surprised I have hair to be honest.
Worst part it is not all from me, its coming from others, and not
in little bits, it is radiating and fuming out like toxic misma.

worst part, I can't get away from it. The year started out good,
but another obstacle had to pop up. Guess I am not the soul to
have too much good, its forbidden, as if I were an anonymity.

I dont get why, but I have to keep pushing through with tears
staining my face and feeling hopeless. no one will save me
anyway, I have to push for her and them.

what else can I do besides nothing.

random discussion turned into an entry

So I am on an anime app community, its great there is a massive base of sharing new, old, topics about anime and just open up to finding anime easier. As compared to how it was in the 90's.

but the discussion was how there is much more ecchi in anime's & mangas. So much that it is taking over on some shows and the storyline becomes very lacking, or absent, I was trying to reassure another user that it will tone down again since it seems to be a cycled trend. So here is a bit of history:

Ecchi is slang for lewd or lascivious conduct, as as as dirty or naughty behaviors within anime/manga. 
While watching manga growing up ecchi was not so present in the majority, it was quite tame actually. But there were a few that were overload almost crossing into the hentai realm. But then it died down by the late 1990's since anime industry broke into the mainstream and established itself very well known into the Stated and internationally. But at the same time in 1992 Anime18 became established for the hentai industry. But there has always been nudity in anime it just wasn't censored in Japan. If anything full nudity is within series with stronger storylines and it was looked passed and not censored, some include Cute Honey, Ranma 1/2,  Neon Genesis Evangelion, which were quiet tame compared to Ninja Scroll, Devil Hunter Yohko, and many more that broke into the states with Manga Entertainment.

Between 1970's till 2005 no censorship, no issues no complaints about anime and manga's with ecchi scenarios. But in 2006 semi censored anime pop up, with just suggested scenes, it was there but covered up or blocked within the frame, but there were plenty of anime's not joining in. But the nipple-less breast did become more popular to get away with more nudity and ecchi shots. By now it has created ecchi to be fading out from being so taboo. It's not really so bad as it seems, its just an abundance of breasts bouncing, tight/revealing clothing that is shown in adult theme angles, and of course grabbing each other.

So while this in mind ecchi comes and goes in waves of how popular it is among the younger viewers and how desensitized we become to it as well. But no matter what the young the anime the more cutesy style ecchi it tries to keep it, which is fine compared to how it shows up in the older anime's it was like watching a cheap gore horror movie, overkill. But that is my opinion.

With that in mind I have seen many blog posts/discussions about Fairy Tail and one other anime having too much of ecchi into the story, the manga has way more, but remember some of these creators are grown men for the most part it is more appealing to the older guys & young guys who are inexperienced. But there are plenty of female artists as well, and well women's hormones are all over the place as well. It really can not be helped it just is the way of life.

Within the 28 years I have watched anime/manga have it's has gone from almost absent to excessive to tame. Each generation of animators and story tells will change the ecchi scenes, the next batch may tone it down again.

Blog Challenge: List your 5 favorite smells

Five Favorite Smells, in no particular order

.:One:.

The smell before the rain, as if the earth is calling for the earth and unifying with the invisible raindrops that are about to kiss the earth once again.

.:Two:.

Coffee brewing before you wake up, its intoxicating smell grabs ones face as soft as a caress of a memory.

.:Three:.

The sweet smell of ripe strawberry, it smells sugary red goodness that is ready to melt into you. Its a fluffy smell that invites you to eat it now.

.:Four:.

Aromatique's Smell of the Tree, its a saturated pine tree smell, but it smells amazing and fresh as if in a forrest of pine trees. But without the prickles.

.:Five:.

the smell of yummy food on an empty stomach!
Because everything gets intensified, you can almost smell each lovely ingredient and it just makes your stomach scream let me eat it now!

Falling behind on blogging but in reality I have been riding the good karma wave! My JewelLeen brand of handmade toys are being sold at another store online! A blogger has inquired about making a review on them.

It seems to be going well, even with no sales, but I hope that picks up! I am keeping positive about it either way since this is a big step! Plus I didnt imagine it would happen within the first year of being JewelLeen!

the good karma tsunami

How is it almost 3am! I have been working on my concepts for my children's book artwork, I finally decided where to start! But it is just the first vector before I tweak it more, and decide on the colors. The characters for that part are chosen/drawn/colorized. I just need to tweak the face of one.

Prior to that I was working on a client's photobook! Meeting soon! Im excited always to make books!

Also there is 1 more day till I go into a meeting to have my toy designs sold with another vendor in their store! I meet them at a show we were both selling and they also purchased from me! So that is beyond awesome to be picked up like this and to test these waters! Moving forward even more in this skill makes me happy!

I also got requested to do an interview for the freelance site I am on, and according to them not even 1% of the account holders get this privilege, that has me feeling very blessed and screaming yesssssss! Plus holding back tears! 6-8 weeks till it goes live!

GO Go go!
keep the good karma tsunami going!
No need to slow down, just keep running forward
and if a wall tries to go up, I need to jump it or run vertical!
the time is now!

Time Shift or Shifted Fates?

Every once in a while now since the blog challenges I have unearth the net to find topics. At least to consider writing about or at least sit in my mind and engage into thoughts.
This one hit me on many levels, it was a turning point, a shift in time to where I am now, or shifted me from my fate.

"That thing that happened in high school that pretty much changed your life forever"

Now it is cliche to say that everyone changes in highschool since it is a transitional time, but it is typically for the better, but what about those unfortunately becomes a setback?

It was a setback for sure, and although I am over it it has cause the issue of trust, lack of trust, not wanting to trust. What is the point of trust somedays I wonder?

Trust
noun: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
"relations have to be built on trust"
"good relationships are built on trust"

Good relationships, what if you have all those relationships wiped out in an instant? Where does that lead one towards? Good question I still wonder that from time to time, but it is less scrutinized overall.

I was dating this guy that not many wanted to date but I did and I put him into my circle of friends who it seems they were building stronger relationships with each other, and probably leaving me out of group. But it wasn't apparent till I broke off that relationship. They ' know or ask me why either. But I did because he pulled me by my hair and tried to accuse me of something ludicrous. I was angry and decided the next day it was over. So I ended my relationship wit him. But 2 of my closest friends, people who I had known since Elementary and jr. high, and who I figured I would stay friends with for the rest of my life. They turned the tables on me, they comforted the ex too much and turned friendships against me to side with the ex, not a few years of friendship I m talking about 8 years of friendships. But it wasn't instant, they waited till I was approached by another guy and dated month later. Falseness in the works. I was basically friendless for a year and half the last years of high school. Those that were acquaintances came to comfort me, I didn't expect it, and made me realize to never ever overlook people's kindness.

But I put an iron wall in between me and everyone.

Then I find out while in college those "friends" were after the ex and even slept with him. What was the point of the betrayal only to date/fuck/benefit with him? Shouldn't they had just been glad it was over and moved on? I could of cared less if they dated him after it was over, but no they had to make an issue. Strange logic.

So the wall is up and everytime I do let it down I get hurt even more, makes no sense. And since that incident I attack fakes and bad people as I am the flame and they are the parasites after it.

It is not all bad I have found/meet a handful which I can call friends and talk to frequently.

high school is strange, love and envy is worse.

A thanks to you

Without you the world is a bleak morning,
the path out the door or in the house is slate gray.
because of you I want to arouse to your powerful
yet sweet intoxicating aroma that bends corners and
lingers on my lips after we parted. the warmth on my
lips seeths down and enriches into a new me.
A me that is fully enlightened and unblinded to the
day or the comfort of the night. My hand holds your
warmth until we must part our separate ways. But it
best when we are together, next to each other so I
can just reach out to taste your sweet smell that fills
my lungs and bellows into my stomach. Down to
the last drop of you, I am but a vampire in your eyes.
I take and take from you but nothing in return.
My lips want more but you are empty, desolate and cold.

thank you my cup of coffee


Random creative post, a thank you letter hiding what you are till the end 

The history of Aileen

Aileen is the name my father picked from a baby book in the 80's he said it appealed to him since it was not the usual names and he wanted it to be unique. Thus finding my soul and pulling me into this world. What is in a name or the origin of the name. Names change as they are spoken in each language, but we forget that and just stick to our name. I am ok most of the time being called by different versions of my name, for thai people my name aileen goes to aireen, and some salvadorans alter my name to arilee. I have only one aunt who keeps calling me Aileena, not sure why the extra "a". Either way it is interesting. Then there is the meaning behind the name, are they the same in each language or do they vary? Then have there been important people with this name, or has this name been important at one point in history?

Aileen a name I wasn't always found of only because I couldn't find name plates or keychains with my name, it made me feel lonely and not special and an outsider to the world of names. But as i grew and had classes with several people with the same name, I felt unique and happy to not be part cookie cutter names.

Origins, Variations & Meanings:
The name Aileen is:
- of the greek name Helen.
- an Irish name. It means light, or the light bearer. From the name Eibhlin.
- a Scottish name and it means green meadow, the other variation is Eileen.
- French version of Aveline
- German version is Avila or Aveza.
- Dutch version is Eveline
- Finish version is Eveliina
- Italian version is Evelina
- Swedish version is Evelina

I could only find these differences, they seem to be the most common and a few harder to find. The name seems to only stay associated with light but in Scotland it means green meadow. On a random find I did find this According to sheknows.com

SoulUrge Number: 2People with this name have a deep inner desire for love and companionship, and want to work with others to achieve peace and harmony.
Expression Number: 1People with this name tend to initiate events, to be leaders rather than followers, with powerful personalities. They tend to be focused on specific goals, experience a wealth of creative new ideas, and have the ability to implement these ideas with efficiency and determination. They tend to be courageous and sometimes aggressive. As unique, creative individuals, they tend to resent authority, and are sometimes stubborn, proud, and impatient.

I have had the chance to meet a few other Aileen's in person and they were all creative people, quite fascinating to think a name could be linked to what we like or have a passion for as well. The Aileen's I have met online as well had creative outlets.

Important people named Aileen:
Aileen Pringle was a highly successful and popular stage and film actress during the silent film era.

Aileen Quinn is an American actress who played the title role in the 1982 film version of Annie.

Aileen Stanley was a United States popular singer. Stanley performed on vaudeville and in cabarets. In 1920 she made a hit in New York City in the review show "Silks And Satins".

Aileen Aletha Meagher was a Canadian athlete who competed mainly in the 100 metres.

Aileen Paterson is a Scottish writer and illustrator, best known for her series of children's books about Maisie the kitten.

Aileen Britton was an Australian actress that made her acting debut in Tall Timbers in 1937. She then worked on stage until the reemergence of Australian cinema in the mid-1970s.

Professor Aileen Plant was a leading Australian infectious diseases epidemiologist.

Aileen Mary Fox (née Henderson) was one of the first women to work as a professional archaeologist in the UK.

Aileen Raymond was a British stage actress.

Aileen Fisher is a prominent writer for children. Her works appear in many texts across the globe.

Aileen Tan is a versatile actress in Singapore. Because of her age, Singaporeans seldom see her on television nowadays.

Aileen Riggin Soule was an American Olympic gold medalist swimmer and diver.

Aileen Wornoos serial killer

Plenty more at famous Aileen's here


Songs:
“Come on Eileen” is the most known one and the one my 3rd grade teacher sand each time she called my name.
There are a few other songs with the title "Aileen" here


Books:
Aileen’s Song


With these many Aileen's you would think I could find a keychain with my name one it, maybe 2015 will be the year I find one!

Challenge: Museum of Me

The Challenge from Sarah:

In 10,000 years from now, people are walking around a museum filled with artefacts from our time. Behind glass cases there sits five of your own possessions, with a little white info card for each one. The various items paint the visitors' an idea of who you were, how you lived, what you liked, what you did etc etc....

Leenism tool artifacts
{All illustrations are been drawn by me (leenstaraileen) and are quick concepts}

{:one:} Vision of a Leenstar

My first glasses, glasses before lasik, perfection vision glass, glasses after lasik, and final glasses. Glasses would be facing the wall and the visitor would be able to peer to each glasses to see how my vision deteriorated to perfected and fell again. in 10,000 years from now glasses may be a thing of the past and may never have to experience this problem. Since vision is a very important gift/senses to me it has been the gateway to what I have seen and how I see to shape who I am now.

{:two:} Book of art & drawings

Sketchbook that is filled traditional arts. As well with 1 pen, 1 marker, 1 crayon, 1 paintbrush & 1 color pencil cast into the cover to preserve the tools of my time, in 10,000 i hope there are light pens or art created with energy and other such magical sounding ways to make new art or digital art has advanced so much it will seem like a relic what I used. Not only that it was drawing that lead me to all kinds of art that made my soul very happy.

{:three:} Digital Arts

A wacom tablet that has been revamped to a slideshow of different digital drawings made while the pen glides across the screen ever so slowly as if it were an automaton. Drawing tablets may not be around in 10,000 years. My tablet is another tool I used in my life and also shows a progression in drawing.

{:four:} frozen memory

my Rolleiflex & last camera melted on the bottom to look as if flying up from the darkness.  with extra up leaks to hold 5-6 photos. Art & photography go hand in hand and another tool that is important in my life. Also I am sure the camera will be advanced enough to match our eyes in megapixel that the camera body may not even exist in 10,000 years.

{:five:} Coffee Dreams

A stylized black mug with a photo of Alice, cats and & I with frozen resin coffee with heart and little star gems splashing up. This way the visitor will be able to place a face on my ghost and also know that even though I drank coffee it was the energy that kept me up with my mini family. Coffee could be extinct in 10,000 years who knows.

10 day Challenge: day 1

Last challenge Day 1
.:{One Picture}:.

10 day challenge: day 2

Day 2

Two Songs

:||One:{ Fiction (Dreams In Digital) ~ Orgy}

Video Link

 It is a bond I share with the song and my dream world in a collision of stars.
Since I heard this song, it seems to be the theme song to all my dreams, something about the music composition just flows and feels like when I am asleep.

:||Two:{Tomorrow Never Knows ~ The Beatles}
Video Link

Just something about this song I really love, it feels like a soul.
The newer version also feels right.

Colors & Me

Teal  :  White  :  Black  :  Magenta

||:{TEAL}:||

Pantone 19-4227(indian teal) & Pantone 320C (turquoise) to be specific

Teal is the color of calm ocean and radiant starry night from my dreamworld, anytime I am there it is quiet and peaceful as well as safe. Wearing teal keeps me level headed, but teal eyeshadow screams look at my shiny soul gateway. Teal jewelry makes me feel elegant and if I am not dressed up I dont wear it. As well as a teal mug makes my coffee feel like velvet going down my throat. 320C is ideally the color skin I would of loved to been born with, and my hair has been this color as well, but fading quite gross. Teal shoes make me feel like I can run anywhere. Teal nail polish makes me feel invincible to all. 

||:{White}:||

White is calm and snowy suede that is as Fluffy and airy as popcorn. Even though I love my popcorn dripping in butter! White feels soft. Wearing white makes em feel invisible and like a ghost I can move around without being bothered. A white canvas is just an invitation to be artistic. White animals say love me and ruffle my fur. White pants means bloody troubles, like an omen. But white hair is beauty like a majestic creature. A white fox feels like a hero. White pink is enchanting to me even if don't own a single one at the moment. 

||:{Black}:||

Black coffee, black nights, black color blood in the night, darkness when the creativity sparks. The absence of color but in reality it is all colors in one absorbed together living in harmony. Black is calming and homely feeling. Black silk wraps around the shadows. Black the color of clothing and hero's outfits when battling nightmares. Black wings torn in sacrifice to save loved ones. Black tastes melodic and sweet melancholy is the sugar to black. Black cats are my favorite since they are my familiar. The blackness surrounding a shattered broken heart only to hug it back into one piece, a gentle hug. Black coffin to symbolise resurrection and survival.

||:{Magenta}:||

 Magenta the color of untainted love, the color of new love, the feel of creamy custard, the sound of victory. Magenta the silence in the rain. I love when my hair is magenta it makes me feel beautiful. magenta earrings to enchain girlyness. Magenta screams at broken heart for it is the color of healing and invites a new love. Magenta lets try again feeling. Magenta nails drip to creativity. But magenta blanket is too loud to sleep with or cover. Magenta sharpie is the master labeler. Magenta Process 122 is a lovely shade for roses and cupcakes, they are tasty and smell sweet.

The association of colors briefing

Color theory, color association, color moods, color color color. The world of colors is a powerful one and there has been information embedded into our minds about what certain colors are certain moods, sounds, tastes, but there is also how we as individuals associate each color with as well.

For example majority of people associate yellow with happy, as influenced by the smiley face in 1963 by Harvey Ball{read the history here}. But to me yellow means headache/migraine and color loss. Or such a color like Blue meaning sad, or serene and if you eat on a blue plate you have less of an appetite. Such associations have been assigned, most are commonly acknowledged while others make you you question why?

Another reason some colors may not associate with some people is due to synesthesia disorder, I don't see it as a disorder since I have it, it was once 1 in every million people. But the numbers have become common and not all are aware of it. I only did because my guitar teacher had it and pointed me a book on it.
Synesthesia is considered a neurological phenomenon in which the sensory or cognitive part of our brains are crossed and happen to another pathway of the senses. Such as tasting colors, sounds are colors, shapes are tastes, liquids are shapes. Many more fun examples. When I drink water it is like I am swallowing spiked crystals, or certain colors are smooth to my ears. Many more examples that I rather you not raise your eyebrow at me. I have learned to stay quiet about it but it tends to leak into my artwork and dreams.



My favorite colors have changed on and off as I grow older, first it was purple then it jumped to black, then black and white. Now its Teal, white, black and magenta that are my favorites. There are certain shades I do like but not made it to my favorites. The leap into color happened when I learned about Josef Albers's Color Theory. I was able to go to one of his traveling exhibits and saw his hand made book in which he taught some great artists of his time. Only 3 of the original made books with his students works included are valued at $5000. It opened my eyes to colors even more, and I appreciate color much more.

They way a color will look like it is vibrating next to each other or the same color is placed on 2 colors at once and each side will look like a different shade but in fact it is the same colors, is truly fascinating.