sleepless nights

i cant sleep 


I dont understand guys who say they prefer blonde/blue eyes even bother with me if they are never truly going to be happy with the way i look. why bother? 



Im short, brunet with dark brown eyes, lip pierced and 2 tattoos and a mother to be here come December, I have cats. I'm a girl with baggage as some say, but I have done more in life than some that dont have any baggage. I have traveled back and forth to Europe and explored different cities on my own. I have been married and divorced, I have had artwork published, I'm non judgmental and i live and breathe art. I also cook, clean, ocd organized and wear makeup everyday so I don't look uglier. And what seems to be the worst of me is that I'm too loyal and brutal honest. i do stay quiet on and off but thats the effect of being an only child.
i would say im not a bad choice but why have so many treated as if I am or never good enough?



But it just breaks my soul even more knowing that i have had boyfriends who have thrown it in my face that they prefer a blonde/blue eyes, but then try to go after me. I dont give in easily but some people know how to pull at my strings. I have only dated 2 that preferred burnets, and they shredded my heart the most.... there is no compromise... where is the guy that just like people in general and has no preference...


then to be told they get an unreachable crush.... but it's another blonde, and i feel even uglier and never good enough. Even worse when they dont make love, then left to wonder when they try is it from looking at someone else, and most of the time it is... it would hurt and stab any soul...


im not the best looking nor the worse, but i would hope to find someone who thinks the world of me so i can share the world and more with someone who wont hurt my soul. Someone who can love endlessly and not when they only want to.... is there such a person anymore or are they lost in previous generations...
seems like only cats are the only ones that know how to love endlessly, and so will my daughter Alice come December, even if she gets rebellious like her mama, she will love me, its what we do. I hope she is stronger than me.

Family...

What does it mean to be a family, what is the minimal count to be a family....

Webster said:
the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family family
>
the count is 3 in a perfect world starting, but 2 works as a single parent....

i can be a single parent....

I honestly dont know how to feel about bobby at all anymore, he wont leave when i ask.  His lack of being a family and self absorbed is not good for my daughter. We went to his nephews bday today. I photographed it. After we got home we said he was going to hangout with his family... he didn't
invite me. The rest of the family is much nicer and glad to see me... I guess we are not a family so i should be left out...

I came from a family that believe in a tight family bond, we did everything together, even when I didnt want to go to the store we went together. And now i understand that....

I

t's more and more apparent to me that local 'friends' don't hang out with me anymore since I've been pregnant, like im some diseased person. Yes I can't drink or want to be around a drinking scene. But there is just too many that fell off the map. And it's more than bothersome. I just need to remove myself from these people.


But what else bothers me is if one of them needed me to join them at the bar. Even if I was broke I had 1 drink for the whole night to keep them company as they vented or had me around with them for comfort. I would drive some distance since they were not close and sometimes I would drive further out for others. I made sure to be a friend. But since I found I was pregnant I stopped drinking and these supposed friends stopped calling and texting.


Like I have been banished out and exiled out... cast out.


But where are they now that I am drinkless and could do other stuff that we could of done then too ie got to the movies, mall, museum, walking somewhere, bowling and so much more.  but nope they just stay quiet. only 3 friends from the same state that were in town made time to hangout and I am beyond grateful for them!


My friend Sarah said a great quote and I must agree sadly its true.
"View this as a good thing. It reminds me of something Kat von D wrote when she stopped drinking. She said the phone stopped ringing too and she realised that she was nothing but a party favour to some people. But this is a good way of weeding out the real friends from those who only use you."


time to move on....

naming my daughter alice

I have always had a fascination with the name "Alice" due to watching reading Lewis Carroll's books. And how magical the name of a strong girl who goes through a wonderland twice to grow as a person and has a journey of backwards and oddities that only a child could comprehend.

but its deeper than that....

Alice was of course Lewis Carroll's favorite girl to tell stories and about, as well as photograph her. She was the inspiration in a twisted mind for a twisted tell. Alice in Wonderland was published in 1865 and later Through the Looking Glass And What Alice Found was published in 1871.

The meaning of Alice: nobel, sweet,




But Lewis also photographed another girl named Aileen

Not much is known about her but she was photographed in 1865, same year Alice in Wonderland was published.

The meaning of Aileen: The light Bearer

But other than that I do enjoy my name and its uniqueness to the area, in Houston I have only meet 4 other Aileen's with the same spelling. Mostly European women but still they seemed like strong women who lived their lives. Much like I have done so far.


So why not combine two strong names to form also a lyrical and magical name...
Alice Alieen

To understand

I doubt I will ever understand how the mind of a guy works, and I am not sure why I bother either.

How can anyone say they love you and want to be near you if they do the opposite? Why is it that or how does that logic and wiring work in anyone's mind?

What's neurons are crossed the wrong way to do the opposite? Or is it another emotional wall that people use to cash this misdirection in a mind?

To understand this might unlock every failed relationship and friendships... But it seems it's easier to just walk away...

But how far can one walk away before bumping into the same issue again but with a different person...

Dragged into a coffin

I'm still down from yesterday.

I was happily making jewelry and semi excited because at work they all like the jerlery designs i made for reed diffuser bottles. And how they would like to push me into the jewelry buisness.  But i told my bf i was worried if i made real jewelry for work ever i wouldnt get full credit.

And then he says its not like you were going to sell millions.

Its dragged me down. My heart split it made me feel so worthless and not good enough. Yea i know im not that special or would ever get famous. Im not expecting it but to be shot down even further. Just made me feel like the fact im making jewelry at home is a waste hurt so bad. I cried while driving us back home... He didnt even noticed.

He has apologized quiet a bit... But the damage is done you cant take back what has been been. No undoing just depression and the want to hide in a coffin and sleep it all away.

Its almost a year... Why am i still bothering...

Review of 2011

I didn't start the year so great but in time I was back into an office job and working two-three jobs on and off. But I meet my current boyfriend who loves me dearly but we have some issues of course, but who doesn't. I was able to hang out with friends more and got to visit Canada. I relearned also I can't depend on people to show up for a Bday party again. I distanced myself from a few people. I was able to keep the drama out. Overall it's done with and I don't have much hope for a better year in 2012. But that's life. all I can do is keep walking and try to make it better and working to a better cause.

I have been working so much, two jobs to three then to two and now at one job. it eats up my time to do anything creative on the side, but its a paycheck and it pays bills and food. but just no time to jot down my ideas, or creations. I did sew a cat pillow for my coworkers bday. I put with some crazy stress last month at work and saw mutiny within the office. Now I am entering the chaos of photographing a catalog again, its fun but at the same time getting up early at the crack of dawn is not idle for me as I get older. I noticed that in my late teens and early twenties i was able to go without sleep quite a bit, but now its harder to as I age. Every time I wake up its as if I am weaker.

How can someone tell me they love me but at the same time majority of the actions done contradict it?

Why is it that work all weekend and the one i want to be with makes plans to be with others for 3 days straight....

How come i keep getting hurt
How come i am not strong enough to kick him out. I can let go...

I dont get why i must keep getting hurt....

purge

is that time again I need to purge people out of my life. It seems like it since I notice more and more how much more people are distant. Yes I am very busy this time and this year more than others but I must pay the bills but I try and make time for others who just blow me off, what is the point? again really it seems to always be happening and nothing is changing in this motion of flakes. How do I escape the cycle of this.... good question since I thought I had done it.... now it seems that was a lie. nothing I can do it seems but to purge people out again and some must be re-purged. even if loosing some might be sad it may just need to happen....

RIP my kaos

KAOS
april 3, 2003 - august 20, 2011

depression so deep, i need all my kitties from 5 to 4 and it feels lonely here.

Slept since 8pm yesterday and woke up to post then back to bed and woke up at 2pm.

I puked when I came back from taking Kaos to get cremated, they gave me a clay paw print and booklet with a pin to remember him by... but my heart shattered... 3 days to a week to get his ashes back to me.

6pm.... i was outside reading my textbook and I come inside to post my answer for class, when I here a noise near the table and there is kaos shaking going into a seizure, I grab his little face and stroke his body and tell him i love him its going to be ok just come back to me.... he keeps shaking and then i noticed his tongue slipping, i start screaming frantically, no dont die please dont. I scream for bobby 4 times and he comes in on my last scream, but kaos is gone by then. I felt his lief slip out from my hands.

i couldnt handle it so i went to sleep around 8pm only to wake up again and puke water and blood. I pass out again to realize i am one cat-less today. deep pain in my heart.

I remember when I first saw kaos at my husband at the times moms house. He was too young to take with me and I had a wedding and honeymoon to go on. I look at him and said I will come back for you when I come back, your my 4th kitty.

And I did I came back for him, so happy to have a second black kitten, I loved him and his crazy ways os spinning in small areas and taking over my other 3 cats, all so happy together.


He is the healthiest cat I had of the 5, always so swet but a bit distant. I always had to pounce him to be able to hug him and kiss and pet him. He learned in time that I was going to love him anyway. But he never really let me take pics with him he would run form me, I have 5 or less pics of us together but way more of just him and the family together.

He never looked amused when I took pictures, but he was most active when we played and chased and ate soft food. He had this thing about not being far from me at all. He was quiet but always near by. Espcially when going to bed he kept my spot warm. He would always play with the sheets and bed when I made it. Scratched up he bed real bad but its ok Iet him be koatic... after all his name is kaos now and forever.

so with a heavy heart it hurts to loose him but at least i got to say goodbye and tell him i love him before his last breathe... i pray for his little soul to meet me in heaven. i love my kaos.

over run by work

I am being over run by work, but I am working. I went 3 years with out work... a coworker told me well you learned to survive on minimal but you survived. And yea he is right I did with the help of my parents and friends. Without them I would of crumbled faster.

But then again who gets a divorce and gets laid off and looses insurance within the same month???? Me....

Now I am swamped with lots of work and overtime. but I have my own office and I can pace the room if I get frustrated and that is nice. I havent decorated it but have 2 things that are mine in a corner but I am ok with not really having anything or much. Its very Zen that its not cluttered.

A new girl started this week and she is taking more the data stuff away that I had but its nice but it worries me what if she takes too much. But at the same time I am beading quite a bit and photographing and communicating with the factories and client requests. So I am busy no matter what.

the people are nice at work and that is good.

Judged

I will never apprecicate being called a hyprocrite for wearing crosses on my earrings. So what if they are black i really like my earrings.

Just because i dont activley show my religious thoughts or prayers or say i am religious doesnt mean your better than me. I choose to be silent about my ways since i dont like to impose my ways or thought. Everyone finds thier own way to god. There is more than one path.

It bothers me to the core of my soul that i have been judged and casted a stone at me. A stone from some who talked down to me when its from the same lips that say i love you.... its cruel.