just a small update

so much can go on in a few months but even in a few minutes... I have left home finally again. Since I was able to get another good job that pays decent enough to get an apartment. My cats are happy to be out of the single room and running around dominating my 668sqft apartment. I am readjusting to living in more than just a room that is my own... I truly had missed having my own space and i own it again. But I am washer/dryer less and going to the washeteria around this location is something out of a horror movie...


But since I moved out I have been walking more (dumpster isnt close plus mailbox) I have gone around close to midtown more again and I found these in a store.... they make me happy

i would like to change the core of me...

I would like to change the core of me, the deepest part of me that stores my volume on being loving and needing attention from the ones I love. Since it seems to get in the way of it all... so I would like to turn it down to a point of being numb.

so numb i cant feel it or give it.

no exbf has ever appreciated all the love and attention i give fully.... they all leave me in the end.
only friends appreciate it...

i would like to change the core of me... and be less loving and affectionate to fit the need of a loved one... but how many friends would i lose then? Since my friends claim to love how loving I am and that I care and go out of my way for them... but it seems no guy sees that. well bf/exs dont, the friends ones do...


a prayer my dad had posted and it got me thinking....
My Lord Jesus Christ, two graces I ask for you to grant me before I die: first, that I experience in life, soul and body, that pain that you, sweet Jesus, experienced in the hour of your most bitter passion, the second, that I feel in my heart, to the extent possible, that boundless love that you, Son of God, had when you offered to undergo such suffering for us sinners.

so how much pain do i have to keep feeling and it seems to be more and more. I dont want to match the pain this is too much and no one should of suffered for us sinners. Its not fair, no one deserves pains, even if it makes us grow... its damaging to the heart, mind and soul... it kills.

just some more art

I have not at all updated my deviant art.... not enough time and I enjoy the connivence of mobile loading to FB, but I must load and rescan some of my art.... one day this year :)

for the mean time here 4 drawings/Typography/Self Quotes I did last month.

there is more but its just art in progress photos....

Whimsical places

I went on saturday to photograph some of my moms work at a venue and it had a feeling of whimsical...




I will call her aileen, why? Since my name means "the light bearer" and that is exactly what she is doing... so here is a visual meaning of my name....

New Job

its been 3 weeks at my new job, I am a production assistant. I dont make like what I used to but I make more than my last 2 jobs. And I am happy at my work place since everyone there is nice and the atmosphere is very laid back but also corporate at the same time.

I do work with a ton of excel sheets and I get to photograph. I dont care for the number of meetings we have but hey it is part of the job. I did get to meet the president and owner last week since they were in town, very nice people.

So I do work 6-7 days a week now, but last 2 weeks its only been 6 days a week. Once school starts April 4th it will be more chaotic on free time.... its either full blown busy or dead bored it seems.

Toronto

I was just in Toronto, Canada, Monday-Thurs. Where I was able to spend time with a really good friend of mine. Bonding time in a chaotic time of life is always needed and while exploring a new city to me makes it even more memorable! The flight was only 3 hours long and I slept the whole way without trying. Something about planes just knocks me out ever since I started traveling to Scandinavia. But I made it all fine and started the day in snow and cold. The pictures are mixed from when I first got there and the last night together. I learned way more about amanda and so grateful for her friendship and spending time with her. We watched awesome movies and pigged out on pita bread!
Tuesday we went downtown and to the Tim Burton Exhibit!!!!! Which really was a gallery and there is so much beautiful art and I was even more inspired and realized I should of not thrown away so much art. I recommend going to the gallery since there is parts of the movies, artwork, notes and so much and private artwork collections!
I loved walking around Toronto, we walked 7.5hours on tuesday and a few more on wednesday. But its very different from home and more like a mesh of European and North American clashed but it works out so great. Plus some great random stuff on the buildings and lights. Lots of theater places as well, made me think of Sarah.
of course there was some random things too, for example the barbie ad that said "together again"... WTF when the fuck did they divorce? Where was that party and why wasn't I invited :) hahaha amused me way to much, but I do love how the lady to the left in the image came out. Then while being in HMV music store, which has mostly disappeared from Houston, the sections had themed art! I loved the Metal section! Then the famous Tim Horton Canadian coffee... sooo yummy, I got addicted! Mission accomplished by Amanda. And I have been craving it!
I really loved being there, and it was a trip very much needed, I am a transient and love to travel. But I just got a job and well I have to slow down the travel but who knows maybe I can sneak in trips. But life just turned around and I look forward to it!

red

Red is the color of passion
Red is cupid
Red is the color of seduction
Red is the devil
Red is the color of power
Red is angry
Red is the color of emergency
Red is prosperity
Red is the color of celebration
Red is joy
Red is the color of love
Red is happiness
Red is the color of desire
Red is energy

red is that color hair which is seduction
red is the color of a crush

Vday 2011

Day before Vday I made cupcakes for friends and family. First I baked the cupcakes and while I waited I cut some strawberries into heart shapes to place on some of the cupcakes. Strawberry cupcake with strawberry icing and strawberries... its an explosion of sweetness. Baked and decorated with love.


After all 31 cupcakes where made I decorated them. Different styles since I could not make up my mind.


After that I meet up with 2 good friends Kristina & Nikki, we were having drinks and cupcakes I had made. And at midnight we said happy vday to each other and gave the bartender a cupcake. Form personal thought, you do not treat anyone bad on vday, its a shitty day for so many and everyone deserves love on the loneliest day.

I go home happy and sleep and wake up to making art and feeling inspired to glue and craft. My Coffins are coming along and I am very happy with them.

halfway into the day I get invited to lunch with Nikki & Kristina. We go eat at a Japanese restaurant and while there we each get carnations. We take pictures and have lots of giggles and fun at the restaurant and a drive to the store after words. Lots of fun and then I dropped them off at home.


I then head over to see my precious goddaughter and spend some time with her and family. She has me carry her and loves her painting I made her! *Heart Melts*, then she has me put lipstick on her and me and showers us both in disney princess perfume. Good times I love her.



A great day with friends and family, the BEST vday ever and the way it should be spent! In mexico its the day of lovers and friends, so it was only right to be with friends and family.
<3

My book came in!!!!!

Yay its here and came out out beautiful i luv it!

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I give up on love

I give up on love

love is not nice to me
love causes pain onto my heart so very much
love has abandoned me.

It is not fair to me
even after many heart breaks
love thinks i deserve to suffer...

I am so full of love
But it seems all guys reject it, or use me for it...
for the moment
they take but do not give back
and when they do its pretend...

I am so tired and closing the door on my heart....

its better this way since the love of my life taught me that
I am not worth loving,
I am not worth keeping,
even when told by many others that I am perfect for them,
while they break my heart and leave me for another female...

so i close the door to my heart, maybe forever
since no one in this day and age cares for me or ever will.
no one understands that I am someone who wants and needs love
someone who will love endlessly for all eternity,
to the right person who shows love

yes i have plenty of love from friends and family
but that is not the void or shot out parts of my heart
I longed to fill again one day...
it seems i will just have to keep my tattered heart

but it seems being loving is one of my faults....

goodbye hopeless romantic, choke on your tears and stop breathing since no one will come to rescue you...

a glop of paint

As I was cleaning out my paint tray of paint and peeling the dried acrylic, I was lost in thought. Not thinking of anything particular but just almost lucid, but when I looked down I noticed I had rolled it into a heart shape ball. One look and I thought "Somehow this glop of paint left over looks like what my heart has felt this past year..."

The black showing the decay of where my heart was shot out, the purple where the bruising is trying to heal, the white from stretch marks of trying to hold onto itself in order not to rip apart. But it was and the decay has harden and molded to fill what was shot out and keep it in tact of its shape. That deadly blow that still follows within my heart, that pain that moment forever scarred into it...

so symbolic, so true as to how it looks and feel... i felt so connected to this peice of trash that resembles my heart... it is perfect for my coffin, the self one, not the bleeding one. But the one that will take a while to finish. But the heart has been immortalized but the movement of my hand. Photographing it of course with my cell since it was right there, sometimes the smallest way to move on comes even from our self trash. It is beautiful and morbid but it is a part of me. After all I live, breathe and bleed art and now I even mold it.... naturally.

leenisms at 3am

i am in between dayquil and nyquil plus halls cough drops and my mind is wondering again. Not too sure if I am coming or going to be honest. Just somewhere in some dimension where I have worked on 5 painting tasks. I painted 3 coffins,

one that bleeds and have more texture of blood on the out and inside. But I still need to make the polymer heart to place inside. The death of the heart that was so well kept and destroyed its time I bury it even deeper... but in a form of a sculpture. The other is a decorative coffin box that will have gems on it as well, for what purpose... to look good for death or just a random jewelry box. The third is my own small coffin, I have lots of work for that one but in time that will be last.

Then I made a small canvas with my goddaughters name on with emphasis on the "D" and painted the matching mini easel. Then I made her a girly canvas with a tiara that will have gems for her room. I also picked another pink painting for her room of mine. After that I started a black canvas with hands and it will have more to it but I got interrupted and not in the mood to work on it right now at almost 4am.

So i switched to digital and since my mind is just thinking...pessimism is an art when i do it. I like to place quotes with work here and there since it shows my state of mind and doesnt allow for others to think much but stare at it, judging it and trying to contradict it as well. Here is the newest one:
"I would give you my heart but your only going to break it. Love will be the death of me"



self thoughts at 3am and most of the art i do with quotes come late at night... "leenisms for your 3am coffee" should be a book.

Halloween Book for SALE

Its finally done and approved and I had time to load it, but only while I was sick of course. Coughing up my lungs is no fun but YAYNESS my book is for sale

Hold on to your Demons
$12.95

Buy it here