"Love, what is love? Baby dont hurt me"

love

noun1.an intense feeling of deep affection.  "babies fill parents with intense feelings of love"2.a person or thing that one loves.   "she was the love of his life"

I haven't given this much thought before, but something made me randomly think about what kind of person I would be if I were ever in love again? I know what kind I was before I became a mother. I used to want someone who would love me always, want  to be near me, and want me to be part of their life. This combination was never achievable ever all 3 but one or maybe 2 at the most but it would fall apart of course.

Everyone loves differently and show its differently from what we know is true in our heart or what we see in movies/shows and what we read in books. Even as an outsider from other's relationships. It is hardly ever the same. Sure there are similar elements so we can see warning signs, move on or know to stay in that relationship. This has always been true to me and also what has given me a red flag to know when someone was worth the fight or not.

But since I became a mother, my perception is blank... I cant see it or even think about how it could be or even imagine it, even in my dreams it feels a bit empty, emptier than a blank canvas. At least with a canvas I can see the image before and draw it to life.  As a mother I finally have my lil love who wants me always near by, in her life and loves me always even when she is kicking me in her tantrum and is ok if I am gone for an hour. She loves to hold onto me while she sleeps or have a foot on me kicking me in her sleep. But it is love, a love that fills my heart and silences everything around me that worries me. It is a love that I have longed for all my life and past lives, it is fulfillment at it's best!

With that filled I don't feel like I am missing more, or someone. But there are days of course where I do missing someone else telling me that they love me and wanting to hold me or my hand. I have progressed backwards to the basics of needs of another. But it is not a strong urge either it just hangs around like a ghost somedays.

And it has only picked up since I have been reading and rewatching old anime show's I watched while growing up, it has awoken the thought who would I be if I ever fall in love again? I wont know that me anymore, that is a shadowy stranger sitting in my future it is a strange feeling. Like I will be slipping on a suit to reach a new level of myself. 

But in my dreams the simplest of the needs are focused on in my dreams, the way my hand is held or the warmth from being pulled into the person's arms... 

love is such a strange emotion with no bounds no shape it free flowing as if water veins connecting and crossing and then flowing solo again... I am lost on a small boat with my daughter protecting my lantern heart...

Waterless ocean

I don't know why I am the type of person who tends to care or give thoughts to those who don't towards me. I think often about everyone I grew up around, went to school, or shared moments with that were meant to meet even if for a few minutes. 

I remember those I went to elementary school with my firsts years in Houston, specific people. I wonder if they are doing well and are happy. I hope they are truly. But I wonder if they ever think of me? 

Then the second elementary I made friend who I thought would be for a lifetime... None to two keep in touch, and even then I am last to know they were in town, or even exchange numbers to only never hear or seen them again. I try to keep in touch but only one liner reply or k responses... I just stopped trying. We had great memories, laughs and growing up together.

Jr High & Highschool is a mesh as well of friends I thought would last a life time... Down to two as well. Trips, outings, memories... All discarded and forgotten foundations.

College & Jobs are we're more acquaintances semi keep in touch but it's basically nothing. Or too far apart that you become aware it's another set of acquaintances. 

The closest friends are very far away in different cities and countries... They stay in tough better and check in loads more than those miles away. It makes no sense...

It's as if I am standing on a shoreline looking at a waterless ocean with mere puddles sparsely apart... The sand cuts my face with all those who have chosen to forget me.

In my mind library I hold photographs of every person who I have meet, shared a laugh or moment in a positive way. The negatives are buried of course. But I think and give thoughts to those who don't deserve it. Or else I'm surrounded by the waterless ocean.

I was once social but too many people have made a solo person, it's strange the word friends... It tastes blank. I long to one day have it tasting fruitful once more...

I can't be the only one who feels like this or aware of this happening...

moving along

Moving along with making Jewel Leen a reality of a shop and making my kitty shaped toys a success. I am making noise and gathering interest. Sales slowed down via internet, but slowly picked up in person! Slowly and pushing through the critics and not looking back!

But still keeping to graphic design & Photography, I can do this! I once had a bigger name years ago while helping bands and traveling and connections. But that is the past and this is now!

go Go GO! I really am proud of my kitty toys and look forward to a good year selling. I have been looking into selling at booths in little craft shows. But first I need to make enough merchandise to sell! Currently have some on etsy: Jewel Leen!

I already got my business cards printed and delivered! I have shipping boxes already here ready to be shipped! But I still need to make stickers, buy tissue paper to cover the kitties while being mailed out, make postcards for future vendor opportunities! Maybe make a sign, figure out stands for the kitties at the events.

Lots to do!

But I have also finally found 2 companies I am happy with to send prints off to and other kinds of prints. I still am happy with the book company I have on hand, so more bundles will be added to Leenstaraileen Photography!

I still need to finish/start my website! It is being redone but I am one unhappy web-coder, stressful and so time consuming.

All this while being the best mommy I can be to my daughter and having to stop her from terrorizing things and breaking. I love my toddler, she is my inspiration to aspire more so I can provide more and more!

making art

I always enjoy making art of my friend Sarah, 

she is at times my muse as well :)

it's been a while..

3 months since I last posted, when there are plenty of times I could of ranted but prefered to sleep late at night.

Being a single mom is clearly a demanding job to be both parent's, it eliminates what roles are sexist. There are traditional unspoken rules of which parent teaches what to thier kids, I am the blur of these, of course my parents help as well, but I am the main one my daughter watches for sure.    For the main examples I will teacher her how to fish, if i remember since I loved it when I was younger. ride a bike even though as an adult i still suck at it! for some reason I don't balance well on a bike or a trampoline. But of course I will teach her to bake... CUPCAKES! she is my cupcake afterall. And all the other stuff that make a well rounded person and better than myself.

Really I am lucky and blessed to have my little brat <3 p="">I love and adore watching her be the genius she is becoming!

Sobriety

Ever notice being a sober person in a world where people are drowning in alcohol. Can be quiet lonely. I used to drink, but I knew my limit, only three times I did not, but luckily I was with people I could trust. I had cut back to nothing for months and then again I picked up again, but would go months without a single drink. But every time I had stopped my 
"friends" wouldn't contact me, as if I was some enigma, an outcast oddity. 

eXcommunicate me as if I never existed. A ghost screaming behind 
the mirror... but only silence in their ears. How can one dismiss another for just not drinking anymore? But I didn't do that to others, if they didn't drink I would invite them over to play games, chat, go somewhere to eat. Something but just spending time with who I thought were my "friends".

a Theorization can be concluded easily is that these were never my real friends. But this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but why? what causes people to just dismiss another for changing the slum of
drinking addiction? Why would that end communication of a "friend"?
Or it just the affinity that has died?

It has been 23 months of sobriety, and the main reason is for my daughter.
I am sober to be a great mother for her, and also she is high energy and
drinking would only slow me down to catch up with my darling speedster!
But the people I knew who were acquaintances just stay silent, don't 
make time to meet up, even after I have asked when are they free? But
I finally stopped asking to meet up, I get tired of trying to string people
with me, what is the point? Really what is the point when all they care
to do is go out and get drunk/tipsy to socialize as if there were no other 
events in the world to attend or activities to do without drinking.

I Ruminate the memories of the past here and there, and there are days
where those where good memories and that is all they will ever be; and then there are the days where why did it end there? Some things can be things of the past but this is something that should be looked into more deeply!

Palaver with me, why did you stop talking or communicating? I often ask
those who have excommunicated me out of their lives. Majority didn't know 
how to answer me, due to not liking to be confronted. Then the lazy answer "we drifted apart", sure I floated away while I watch you drown in your drinks.
Also those who just never reply again as if I was fictional.

Another ghosted memory is what I should be to them, nothing I can do 
with a sea of faces drowned in the confinement of alcohol.

Time to move on then, but I do wish I knew more sober people. Truly 
would be nice to have company that knew how to have fun without drinking. 
To go on adventures of sort and around the city. To explore new parts of the
city and just make more memories. But this time added with my daughter.
Her happiness is important to me, and to teach her that there are people who
know how to be sober and live life and really LIVE and thrive in clarity! She
needs to know that it exists and that it can be done. I can't possibly be the only 
rock to her. More is better to be the example!

I Extirpate all those who just don't care to see me again, those who cant
have fun without drinking. I will be the example for my daughter and will go
on for her and show her how to live a fuller life! Just as I was taught when
I was younger!

jack of all art traits

I'm a jack of all art traits! I can do

photography

graphic design

draw

paint

sculpt

mix media

and now I can sew! Which by the way I am very proud to be taking classes! Im still learnign to understand patterns but I am looking at it like packaing design, it helps.

I'm not so great at mosaic I make a mess.... some of the sewing will be posted here https://www.facebook.com/JewelLeenDesigns but for other stuff I have done you can always gander at my site leenstar.com

2014

Its a new year and another step forward in life. I have a new goal set to achieve:
To Learn To Sew!

Yes it may not seem like much to others, but to me it is important I learn another form of art. Plus I am a disastrous button sewer. And I learn better visually and I can only hope I won't sew my hand into my project. In reality I have always wanted to learn to sew but never got around to it. Now I want to be able to make toys or clothes for my daughter and once I can get better finally cosplay a bit! But I have already thought about how I can incorporate my jewelry designs, graphic designs and photography!

I once made a teacup sewn sculpture for class, but it was horribly lopsided and the saucer part became my cats bed, they loved my horrid sewing.

I dont have any other goals besides get more freelance jobs or a job that is work from home to keep my daughter out of daycares and plus she is smart baby and I want to keep helping expanding her mind!  She is amazing.

2014 started well even if my daughter decided to cry into the new year and new years day have tantrums. I feel it will be better, lets hope if not there is another year.

Selfie

Nov 19, 2013 Selfie made it to the Oxford Dictionary,

selfie
noun (plural selfies)
informaloccasional selfies are acceptable, but posting a new picture of yourself everyday isn’t necessary

early 21st century: from self + -ie

Since then I have read a number of blog posts against selfie's even some bashing people who post selfie's. But why this needed to bash? Everyone's selfie's are a different story and reason as to why it was taken/posted. No one should assume why the other person is taking & posting their selfie. A great quote that be used in this situation is by Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." & also “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” 


Also what if a person is trying to survive a hard situation but the only way they can handle it is to take selfie's or pictures of themselves smiling or just looking dead straight or even making a face. And the more like or comments make that moment fade a bit and more bearable. What if its a in your face I am working out, or say I was here and so on?

No one should assume or bash, a selfie is a story, a picture and a picture is worth 1000 words and more. Yes I am not not naive there are some people who will be posting them to be self centered. But that is not everyone's story.

I enjoy it since it is a time lapse of a person aging process from week to week or by month. It is as if we are watching a life fade one day at a time, frozen in the moment. Whether it is a happy, triumph, or need a boost moment. I know i post random selfie's but they don't glam me, some ugly ones are out there, but they are for photography self concepts, or just to try an effect and its shared. But as I look back I think geeze I am aging but I still get questioned if I am in HS... im 29. Thats my only timelapse to show look i am aging besides my gray hair! Also proof that I can do awesome eyeshadow and have good hair days. Seriously most days it seems to be against me, but whatever life goes on. Unlike the selfie that is a frozen moment.

Another way to view a selfie is that it is a digital marked history of oneself that others are watching as well. Almost big brother is watching but we are all big brother watching. And then there the others who are trying to correct this behavior. This is no Mirror Mirror who is the fairest of them all, since it seems none of us are. So what if we are the mirror we don't need to judge or assume of the others reflection looking back at us, like a ghost.

That written, like a ghost, for some who have passed the selfie's are the only way to catch a last glimpse in how the person saw themselves or portrayed themselves. And serve as better pictures to remember a passed one.

That is my rant, dont assume it never does any good.

Careers

I am debating switching careera, not that I can afford it at thus time. But maybe something without the killer cost of sallie mae and their murserous interest rates. 

I started looking into becoming a blogger, an income one. Just to see if it works for me while my freelance in graphic design and photography has halted for no reason, and in not sure why? I can blame the economy or too many having hardships. 

Not sure but something to look into.... Maybe?

Parley With a crane

Today while getting ready to head to the grocery store, I look out to the street and a crane lands and crosses the street and stares at me. I close the door and walk slowly around the house to the door. The crane takes a step each time I do, I am about a foot and half taller than this bird and clearly no threat. I walk into the house to get my cell incase it were to fly away. But instead it waited for me. When I walk out with my cell it continues to move as I click away. I only take a few pics and watch the grace of the crane as it carefully steps and bobs its head. It makes a "S" shape and then snatches a bug from the flowers. So swift and smooth it kills its prey.

I run upstairs to get my DSLR and take a few pics, It turn to look at me as I take another picture.  Once more it grabs a prey but its a lizard, I feel horrible and unsure to intervene. I watch the lizard fight back and eventually escape. I think I hope the lizard is ok. The crane looks at me as if it heard my thoughts and walks away into the neighbors yard.

Strange but beautiful.

Some crane symbolism:

• In  China, the Crane is seen as messenger from the gods
  

• Some parts of Africa and North America see the Crane as a symbol that is associated with wisdom

Forgotten glue

Are you really friends with someone if you don't bother to check up on them ,text them a hello, or call to hear their voice again? Or visit if you are in proximity?

Or is it the other person always reaching out to you?

No your not considering them a friend, but they consider you a friend.

But... In some cases people can go awhile before really having a conversation and pick up as if they never were apart. But really they still send the random text or message vice versa. Because they really are friends.

Tonight I am aware of how many more I have considered a friend and how much I try to reach out to others, but they don't do the same. Am I a friend to them? Or should I stop bothering? Tomorrow is the 10year reunion of my graduating class. But I will not be attending for multiple reasons. But there are people coming in and I catch wind of it, but have not been messaged or reached to meet up. My friendship dies tonight with these people... They are just lurkers in my life, watching a silent movie and not even bothering to interact. I feel like a frozen photograph trapped and collecting dust, or a discarded painting that is chipping away... I'm a thing of the past for so many... So should they as well to me. 

It's dead weight anyway and I can't try to carry it anymore.

Random thoughts of my past

I have this lilac quilt, it's plain but it keeps me warm. I have had since my second apartment. When I was able to get out of my abusive relationship,  I had no bed, I had sheets and a cheap cover and this quilt that broke my budget. But I needed it and I still have it.

I would lay my covers first on the floor, then sheets then quilt, for a month I had no bed, I slept on the floor with my two kitties. 

I only had a bookshelf, tv, lamp, desk or furniture. I've come a long way up and fallen twice, had two exs keep my furniture since they were greedy. I had a house full of furniture once.

Now I'm down to a bed, end table, bookshelf, 2 dressers, my daughters bookshelf, changing table and a crib, rocker/glider and cat tower. It's more than I had in 2004, but less than 2007. It could be worse I could bed less with my daughter... But it's not. And this quilt continues to cover us, I hope it last for many more years. Since a few months ago I had to trash a quilt that was 29 years, I developed a rash from it. I'm 28, it had a great run. Now it's this lilac quilt turn... 9 years in counting.