my Alice

She is my light when all is dark and I feel hopeless
she is my cure to end my depression when things fall apart.
she is my love, never ending and the one who needs me forever.
she is all that I ever dreamed and wished for in life.

Chapter one begins with a prologue

My darling daughter Alice, a new and first chapter starts today feb 10,2013. And also the Chinese New Year, year of the snake. Your father is gone and it is and now you and I, together we will write our story. This is my prologue to you Alice.

Your father and I did love each other for some time, but the relationship started on a shaky foundation. I tried too hard to keep him and I together.., but beer, ciggs, and lies we're much more important to him than me at first. He would prefer to be at bar than with me one night he said "I don't want to see you tonight, I rather go to the bar". It stung, then another time that I was saying I love you too much, so I stopped and rarely said it to almost nothing. There are more instances I rather or get into. But he walked over me, lied, made me cry, didn't help or bother to care for him and I. He was supposed to leave sooner but we found out we were pregnant. I was so joyous and filled with love, a tiny life was inside of me, a blessing.
I tried harder to make things work, they would for a few days but the it would fall apart again. I struggled in the pregnancy, having to clean, cook, work and try my best to care for us. While he mostly only drank and smoked outside. Yes he would occasionally help but it was almost rare. Toi many times I had to clean the tub myself and it was hard with a belly and all those chemicals!
Then labor came, in the middle of pushing to help you enter this world, he puts my leg down and says he is tired and needs coffee and leaves. The dr and nurses large at him. I try a few more pushes then got prepped for emergency c-section..,, he almost missed your birth, it is forever unforgivable. Then after night one, he leaves us to go buy a beer... He slept once in the hospital... He rather go home where he could drink. I hate him for that.
Then for the first two months he ignored you a bit and only held you 6 times. Yea he would tell you I love you here and there... it wasn't till I told him he had a month to move out that he tried to talk to you more and realized you enjoyed being talked to(although he saw me doing it every day).

So here I type this while you sleep in my arms peacefully. We start the Chinese New Year together as chapter one...

a relationship coming to an end

The end seems inevitable... 

especially in relationships. What started shaky and then had 

its ok moments then fell apart completely. I will never date

another guy who smokes, or drinks heavily. An occasional

seems ok but at the same time not at all. I wont date someone

who is not good with kids or pets. I will not date another

narcissi or egotistical guy ever again. Or a guy who is a slob.

I am a girl with baggage...

I am a mother to a beautiful daughter and

to four cats I took in from off the streets.

All which I have told I will never leave

or abandon, together forever, a real

forever that will last. I am aware that 

in the future a guy may not like me for 

these reasons, but that is ok. I know that

situation is not for me, I can do better!

No matter the Chaos I will survive...

I seems to keep getting in situations where I get buried and am left as a corpse

to rot in my coffin, but I keep rising out of even if I am dragging my mangled

heart and soul out, I drag on, i walk on and I run on to the next life challenge. 

Now I have a greater reason to carry on for her, even if I have to drag on with 

her on my back on a cushy seat and shielding her from the pain I go through, 

I will go on crawling through the chaos till I can walk straight up and have her 

in my arms kissing her sweet face to show I can survive. And make sure she

will see and be a strong woman as well.

My daughter Alice

A lot has happend since I gave birth to my daughter on Nov 17, 10:03am.

For one the day before my water broke I was already leaking went to the ER at 1am when it leaked faster worried, but I like mad got home from work to build the rocking chair that finally came in to be ready. It wasn't my water or bladder so I was sent home at 2cm dilated.

I didn't go to work that friday the 16th, but went out for a late lunch and came home at 5:25pm and went to the bathroom. I saw a big pimple and was confused when it got there, I popped it. Jokingly I said "Ok alice im ready for you", GUSH my water broke in a massive amount. Im rushing grabbing stuff and changed pance to pj pance and yell we need to go now! and we drive to the hospital in traffic, im sitting on a towel to avoid getting my car seat wet.

We get there and I am not feeling my contractions till about midnight and wow, the pain!!! I had to get drugs, then the epideral since the pain was worse than my worst cramps. Beats having my teeth pulled and having kidney failure. WOW the pain was emerse. but after the pain I was ok. I pushed for an hour and half but she was not passing my pubic bone and then I began to swell from the inside and basically shut due to the lubicant they put on  thier gloves. Then I had to get an emergency C section. I felt all the pain even with all the drugs since they pushed on my fibroids, (i didnt remember till my bf showed me the video) and then I heard her cry, my little Alice was born.

We were in the hospital for 4 days (costly!!)  We went home for one night only to have to go to the Pediatric since her bouillon ribbions were too high, only to have to go right back to the hospital for two more days. While in the hospital room I was looking at the kid artwork in the room and in the corner it's written "aileen" I was shocked since I am Aileen, Alice's middle name  is aileen and there was a painting by Aileen. As if the universe knew that we would cross this path, a reflection.






but after that she was find till she had a food allergy to her formula, and we switched formulas and doctors, the new doctor is so great with alice! The other time we had to go to the ER was due to too much diaherra, then 2 days later she is well but I broke out in hives just randomly.

Luckily now we are ok and still adjusting. Overall the chaos, lack of sleep, odd schedule and running around and having to had to walk in the hospital in fresh stitches, being peed on and pooped on... I am very happy to be a mommy to my daughter

pregnancy coming to an end

This pregnancy has been interesting for sure and some pains which I was not ready for, but my daughter will be worth it. at 35 weeks but possibly 37 weeks. Since most due dates are either off by 2-4 weeks. Which is strange with all the advances in the medical fields but every women's body is different.

For one not everyone has Fibroids like I do, I am at 4 large count, and who knows how many more not seen. All due to my hormones being active and ensuring that Alice grows well. But luckily they are not in her way or stunting her growth. She is growing fast an gaining weight as well. But it is a sign that she is healthy. and that is all that matters to me.

Other than that I have been busy working an also nesting even though I think its more of my OCD/need to organize gifts. My daughter's nursery has been done for a while but with all the gifts she has gotten it its more organizing for practically. Plus the number one gift I got was wipes... 3000 sheets worth. then #2 was socks, i can go 2 months without washing! the packed corner will be covered by the open door. I couldn't find an under crib storage that fit they were all too tall which made no sense since its a generic crib.  I need more books to read to her, and she could use more toys just not small toys/trinkets. But i am happy with her room, I have maxed out the room but still found a way to keep it organized.

im ready for my daughter after Thursday when I get the rocker in thanks to piling up gift cards.

It takes a village to raise a child, but a village came together to help pitch in with gifts and essistenals for my baby. Alice is loved and I am grateful for it <3 p="p">

sleepless nights

i cant sleep 


I dont understand guys who say they prefer blonde/blue eyes even bother with me if they are never truly going to be happy with the way i look. why bother? 



Im short, brunet with dark brown eyes, lip pierced and 2 tattoos and a mother to be here come December, I have cats. I'm a girl with baggage as some say, but I have done more in life than some that dont have any baggage. I have traveled back and forth to Europe and explored different cities on my own. I have been married and divorced, I have had artwork published, I'm non judgmental and i live and breathe art. I also cook, clean, ocd organized and wear makeup everyday so I don't look uglier. And what seems to be the worst of me is that I'm too loyal and brutal honest. i do stay quiet on and off but thats the effect of being an only child.
i would say im not a bad choice but why have so many treated as if I am or never good enough?



But it just breaks my soul even more knowing that i have had boyfriends who have thrown it in my face that they prefer a blonde/blue eyes, but then try to go after me. I dont give in easily but some people know how to pull at my strings. I have only dated 2 that preferred burnets, and they shredded my heart the most.... there is no compromise... where is the guy that just like people in general and has no preference...


then to be told they get an unreachable crush.... but it's another blonde, and i feel even uglier and never good enough. Even worse when they dont make love, then left to wonder when they try is it from looking at someone else, and most of the time it is... it would hurt and stab any soul...


im not the best looking nor the worse, but i would hope to find someone who thinks the world of me so i can share the world and more with someone who wont hurt my soul. Someone who can love endlessly and not when they only want to.... is there such a person anymore or are they lost in previous generations...
seems like only cats are the only ones that know how to love endlessly, and so will my daughter Alice come December, even if she gets rebellious like her mama, she will love me, its what we do. I hope she is stronger than me.

Family...

What does it mean to be a family, what is the minimal count to be a family....

Webster said:
the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family family
>
the count is 3 in a perfect world starting, but 2 works as a single parent....

i can be a single parent....

I honestly dont know how to feel about bobby at all anymore, he wont leave when i ask.  His lack of being a family and self absorbed is not good for my daughter. We went to his nephews bday today. I photographed it. After we got home we said he was going to hangout with his family... he didn't
invite me. The rest of the family is much nicer and glad to see me... I guess we are not a family so i should be left out...

I came from a family that believe in a tight family bond, we did everything together, even when I didnt want to go to the store we went together. And now i understand that....

I

t's more and more apparent to me that local 'friends' don't hang out with me anymore since I've been pregnant, like im some diseased person. Yes I can't drink or want to be around a drinking scene. But there is just too many that fell off the map. And it's more than bothersome. I just need to remove myself from these people.


But what else bothers me is if one of them needed me to join them at the bar. Even if I was broke I had 1 drink for the whole night to keep them company as they vented or had me around with them for comfort. I would drive some distance since they were not close and sometimes I would drive further out for others. I made sure to be a friend. But since I found I was pregnant I stopped drinking and these supposed friends stopped calling and texting.


Like I have been banished out and exiled out... cast out.


But where are they now that I am drinkless and could do other stuff that we could of done then too ie got to the movies, mall, museum, walking somewhere, bowling and so much more.  but nope they just stay quiet. only 3 friends from the same state that were in town made time to hangout and I am beyond grateful for them!


My friend Sarah said a great quote and I must agree sadly its true.
"View this as a good thing. It reminds me of something Kat von D wrote when she stopped drinking. She said the phone stopped ringing too and she realised that she was nothing but a party favour to some people. But this is a good way of weeding out the real friends from those who only use you."


time to move on....

naming my daughter alice

I have always had a fascination with the name "Alice" due to watching reading Lewis Carroll's books. And how magical the name of a strong girl who goes through a wonderland twice to grow as a person and has a journey of backwards and oddities that only a child could comprehend.

but its deeper than that....

Alice was of course Lewis Carroll's favorite girl to tell stories and about, as well as photograph her. She was the inspiration in a twisted mind for a twisted tell. Alice in Wonderland was published in 1865 and later Through the Looking Glass And What Alice Found was published in 1871.

The meaning of Alice: nobel, sweet,




But Lewis also photographed another girl named Aileen

Not much is known about her but she was photographed in 1865, same year Alice in Wonderland was published.

The meaning of Aileen: The light Bearer

But other than that I do enjoy my name and its uniqueness to the area, in Houston I have only meet 4 other Aileen's with the same spelling. Mostly European women but still they seemed like strong women who lived their lives. Much like I have done so far.


So why not combine two strong names to form also a lyrical and magical name...
Alice Alieen

To understand

I doubt I will ever understand how the mind of a guy works, and I am not sure why I bother either.

How can anyone say they love you and want to be near you if they do the opposite? Why is it that or how does that logic and wiring work in anyone's mind?

What's neurons are crossed the wrong way to do the opposite? Or is it another emotional wall that people use to cash this misdirection in a mind?

To understand this might unlock every failed relationship and friendships... But it seems it's easier to just walk away...

But how far can one walk away before bumping into the same issue again but with a different person...

Dragged into a coffin

I'm still down from yesterday.

I was happily making jewelry and semi excited because at work they all like the jerlery designs i made for reed diffuser bottles. And how they would like to push me into the jewelry buisness.  But i told my bf i was worried if i made real jewelry for work ever i wouldnt get full credit.

And then he says its not like you were going to sell millions.

Its dragged me down. My heart split it made me feel so worthless and not good enough. Yea i know im not that special or would ever get famous. Im not expecting it but to be shot down even further. Just made me feel like the fact im making jewelry at home is a waste hurt so bad. I cried while driving us back home... He didnt even noticed.

He has apologized quiet a bit... But the damage is done you cant take back what has been been. No undoing just depression and the want to hide in a coffin and sleep it all away.

Its almost a year... Why am i still bothering...

Review of 2011

I didn't start the year so great but in time I was back into an office job and working two-three jobs on and off. But I meet my current boyfriend who loves me dearly but we have some issues of course, but who doesn't. I was able to hang out with friends more and got to visit Canada. I relearned also I can't depend on people to show up for a Bday party again. I distanced myself from a few people. I was able to keep the drama out. Overall it's done with and I don't have much hope for a better year in 2012. But that's life. all I can do is keep walking and try to make it better and working to a better cause.

I have been working so much, two jobs to three then to two and now at one job. it eats up my time to do anything creative on the side, but its a paycheck and it pays bills and food. but just no time to jot down my ideas, or creations. I did sew a cat pillow for my coworkers bday. I put with some crazy stress last month at work and saw mutiny within the office. Now I am entering the chaos of photographing a catalog again, its fun but at the same time getting up early at the crack of dawn is not idle for me as I get older. I noticed that in my late teens and early twenties i was able to go without sleep quite a bit, but now its harder to as I age. Every time I wake up its as if I am weaker.