To understand

I doubt I will ever understand how the mind of a guy works, and I am not sure why I bother either.

How can anyone say they love you and want to be near you if they do the opposite? Why is it that or how does that logic and wiring work in anyone's mind?

What's neurons are crossed the wrong way to do the opposite? Or is it another emotional wall that people use to cash this misdirection in a mind?

To understand this might unlock every failed relationship and friendships... But it seems it's easier to just walk away...

But how far can one walk away before bumping into the same issue again but with a different person...

Dragged into a coffin

I'm still down from yesterday.

I was happily making jewelry and semi excited because at work they all like the jerlery designs i made for reed diffuser bottles. And how they would like to push me into the jewelry buisness.  But i told my bf i was worried if i made real jewelry for work ever i wouldnt get full credit.

And then he says its not like you were going to sell millions.

Its dragged me down. My heart split it made me feel so worthless and not good enough. Yea i know im not that special or would ever get famous. Im not expecting it but to be shot down even further. Just made me feel like the fact im making jewelry at home is a waste hurt so bad. I cried while driving us back home... He didnt even noticed.

He has apologized quiet a bit... But the damage is done you cant take back what has been been. No undoing just depression and the want to hide in a coffin and sleep it all away.

Its almost a year... Why am i still bothering...

Review of 2011

I didn't start the year so great but in time I was back into an office job and working two-three jobs on and off. But I meet my current boyfriend who loves me dearly but we have some issues of course, but who doesn't. I was able to hang out with friends more and got to visit Canada. I relearned also I can't depend on people to show up for a Bday party again. I distanced myself from a few people. I was able to keep the drama out. Overall it's done with and I don't have much hope for a better year in 2012. But that's life. all I can do is keep walking and try to make it better and working to a better cause.

I have been working so much, two jobs to three then to two and now at one job. it eats up my time to do anything creative on the side, but its a paycheck and it pays bills and food. but just no time to jot down my ideas, or creations. I did sew a cat pillow for my coworkers bday. I put with some crazy stress last month at work and saw mutiny within the office. Now I am entering the chaos of photographing a catalog again, its fun but at the same time getting up early at the crack of dawn is not idle for me as I get older. I noticed that in my late teens and early twenties i was able to go without sleep quite a bit, but now its harder to as I age. Every time I wake up its as if I am weaker.

How can someone tell me they love me but at the same time majority of the actions done contradict it?

Why is it that work all weekend and the one i want to be with makes plans to be with others for 3 days straight....

How come i keep getting hurt
How come i am not strong enough to kick him out. I can let go...

I dont get why i must keep getting hurt....

purge

is that time again I need to purge people out of my life. It seems like it since I notice more and more how much more people are distant. Yes I am very busy this time and this year more than others but I must pay the bills but I try and make time for others who just blow me off, what is the point? again really it seems to always be happening and nothing is changing in this motion of flakes. How do I escape the cycle of this.... good question since I thought I had done it.... now it seems that was a lie. nothing I can do it seems but to purge people out again and some must be re-purged. even if loosing some might be sad it may just need to happen....

RIP my kaos

KAOS
april 3, 2003 - august 20, 2011

depression so deep, i need all my kitties from 5 to 4 and it feels lonely here.

Slept since 8pm yesterday and woke up to post then back to bed and woke up at 2pm.

I puked when I came back from taking Kaos to get cremated, they gave me a clay paw print and booklet with a pin to remember him by... but my heart shattered... 3 days to a week to get his ashes back to me.

6pm.... i was outside reading my textbook and I come inside to post my answer for class, when I here a noise near the table and there is kaos shaking going into a seizure, I grab his little face and stroke his body and tell him i love him its going to be ok just come back to me.... he keeps shaking and then i noticed his tongue slipping, i start screaming frantically, no dont die please dont. I scream for bobby 4 times and he comes in on my last scream, but kaos is gone by then. I felt his lief slip out from my hands.

i couldnt handle it so i went to sleep around 8pm only to wake up again and puke water and blood. I pass out again to realize i am one cat-less today. deep pain in my heart.

I remember when I first saw kaos at my husband at the times moms house. He was too young to take with me and I had a wedding and honeymoon to go on. I look at him and said I will come back for you when I come back, your my 4th kitty.

And I did I came back for him, so happy to have a second black kitten, I loved him and his crazy ways os spinning in small areas and taking over my other 3 cats, all so happy together.


He is the healthiest cat I had of the 5, always so swet but a bit distant. I always had to pounce him to be able to hug him and kiss and pet him. He learned in time that I was going to love him anyway. But he never really let me take pics with him he would run form me, I have 5 or less pics of us together but way more of just him and the family together.

He never looked amused when I took pictures, but he was most active when we played and chased and ate soft food. He had this thing about not being far from me at all. He was quiet but always near by. Espcially when going to bed he kept my spot warm. He would always play with the sheets and bed when I made it. Scratched up he bed real bad but its ok Iet him be koatic... after all his name is kaos now and forever.

so with a heavy heart it hurts to loose him but at least i got to say goodbye and tell him i love him before his last breathe... i pray for his little soul to meet me in heaven. i love my kaos.

over run by work

I am being over run by work, but I am working. I went 3 years with out work... a coworker told me well you learned to survive on minimal but you survived. And yea he is right I did with the help of my parents and friends. Without them I would of crumbled faster.

But then again who gets a divorce and gets laid off and looses insurance within the same month???? Me....

Now I am swamped with lots of work and overtime. but I have my own office and I can pace the room if I get frustrated and that is nice. I havent decorated it but have 2 things that are mine in a corner but I am ok with not really having anything or much. Its very Zen that its not cluttered.

A new girl started this week and she is taking more the data stuff away that I had but its nice but it worries me what if she takes too much. But at the same time I am beading quite a bit and photographing and communicating with the factories and client requests. So I am busy no matter what.

the people are nice at work and that is good.

Judged

I will never apprecicate being called a hyprocrite for wearing crosses on my earrings. So what if they are black i really like my earrings.

Just because i dont activley show my religious thoughts or prayers or say i am religious doesnt mean your better than me. I choose to be silent about my ways since i dont like to impose my ways or thought. Everyone finds thier own way to god. There is more than one path.

It bothers me to the core of my soul that i have been judged and casted a stone at me. A stone from some who talked down to me when its from the same lips that say i love you.... its cruel.

just a small update

so much can go on in a few months but even in a few minutes... I have left home finally again. Since I was able to get another good job that pays decent enough to get an apartment. My cats are happy to be out of the single room and running around dominating my 668sqft apartment. I am readjusting to living in more than just a room that is my own... I truly had missed having my own space and i own it again. But I am washer/dryer less and going to the washeteria around this location is something out of a horror movie...


But since I moved out I have been walking more (dumpster isnt close plus mailbox) I have gone around close to midtown more again and I found these in a store.... they make me happy

i would like to change the core of me...

I would like to change the core of me, the deepest part of me that stores my volume on being loving and needing attention from the ones I love. Since it seems to get in the way of it all... so I would like to turn it down to a point of being numb.

so numb i cant feel it or give it.

no exbf has ever appreciated all the love and attention i give fully.... they all leave me in the end.
only friends appreciate it...

i would like to change the core of me... and be less loving and affectionate to fit the need of a loved one... but how many friends would i lose then? Since my friends claim to love how loving I am and that I care and go out of my way for them... but it seems no guy sees that. well bf/exs dont, the friends ones do...


a prayer my dad had posted and it got me thinking....
My Lord Jesus Christ, two graces I ask for you to grant me before I die: first, that I experience in life, soul and body, that pain that you, sweet Jesus, experienced in the hour of your most bitter passion, the second, that I feel in my heart, to the extent possible, that boundless love that you, Son of God, had when you offered to undergo such suffering for us sinners.

so how much pain do i have to keep feeling and it seems to be more and more. I dont want to match the pain this is too much and no one should of suffered for us sinners. Its not fair, no one deserves pains, even if it makes us grow... its damaging to the heart, mind and soul... it kills.

just some more art

I have not at all updated my deviant art.... not enough time and I enjoy the connivence of mobile loading to FB, but I must load and rescan some of my art.... one day this year :)

for the mean time here 4 drawings/Typography/Self Quotes I did last month.

there is more but its just art in progress photos....

Whimsical places

I went on saturday to photograph some of my moms work at a venue and it had a feeling of whimsical...




I will call her aileen, why? Since my name means "the light bearer" and that is exactly what she is doing... so here is a visual meaning of my name....