I give up on love

I give up on love

love is not nice to me
love causes pain onto my heart so very much
love has abandoned me.

It is not fair to me
even after many heart breaks
love thinks i deserve to suffer...

I am so full of love
But it seems all guys reject it, or use me for it...
for the moment
they take but do not give back
and when they do its pretend...

I am so tired and closing the door on my heart....

its better this way since the love of my life taught me that
I am not worth loving,
I am not worth keeping,
even when told by many others that I am perfect for them,
while they break my heart and leave me for another female...

so i close the door to my heart, maybe forever
since no one in this day and age cares for me or ever will.
no one understands that I am someone who wants and needs love
someone who will love endlessly for all eternity,
to the right person who shows love

yes i have plenty of love from friends and family
but that is not the void or shot out parts of my heart
I longed to fill again one day...
it seems i will just have to keep my tattered heart

but it seems being loving is one of my faults....

goodbye hopeless romantic, choke on your tears and stop breathing since no one will come to rescue you...

a glop of paint

As I was cleaning out my paint tray of paint and peeling the dried acrylic, I was lost in thought. Not thinking of anything particular but just almost lucid, but when I looked down I noticed I had rolled it into a heart shape ball. One look and I thought "Somehow this glop of paint left over looks like what my heart has felt this past year..."

The black showing the decay of where my heart was shot out, the purple where the bruising is trying to heal, the white from stretch marks of trying to hold onto itself in order not to rip apart. But it was and the decay has harden and molded to fill what was shot out and keep it in tact of its shape. That deadly blow that still follows within my heart, that pain that moment forever scarred into it...

so symbolic, so true as to how it looks and feel... i felt so connected to this peice of trash that resembles my heart... it is perfect for my coffin, the self one, not the bleeding one. But the one that will take a while to finish. But the heart has been immortalized but the movement of my hand. Photographing it of course with my cell since it was right there, sometimes the smallest way to move on comes even from our self trash. It is beautiful and morbid but it is a part of me. After all I live, breathe and bleed art and now I even mold it.... naturally.

leenisms at 3am

i am in between dayquil and nyquil plus halls cough drops and my mind is wondering again. Not too sure if I am coming or going to be honest. Just somewhere in some dimension where I have worked on 5 painting tasks. I painted 3 coffins,

one that bleeds and have more texture of blood on the out and inside. But I still need to make the polymer heart to place inside. The death of the heart that was so well kept and destroyed its time I bury it even deeper... but in a form of a sculpture. The other is a decorative coffin box that will have gems on it as well, for what purpose... to look good for death or just a random jewelry box. The third is my own small coffin, I have lots of work for that one but in time that will be last.

Then I made a small canvas with my goddaughters name on with emphasis on the "D" and painted the matching mini easel. Then I made her a girly canvas with a tiara that will have gems for her room. I also picked another pink painting for her room of mine. After that I started a black canvas with hands and it will have more to it but I got interrupted and not in the mood to work on it right now at almost 4am.

So i switched to digital and since my mind is just thinking...pessimism is an art when i do it. I like to place quotes with work here and there since it shows my state of mind and doesnt allow for others to think much but stare at it, judging it and trying to contradict it as well. Here is the newest one:
"I would give you my heart but your only going to break it. Love will be the death of me"



self thoughts at 3am and most of the art i do with quotes come late at night... "leenisms for your 3am coffee" should be a book.

Halloween Book for SALE

Its finally done and approved and I had time to load it, but only while I was sick of course. Coughing up my lungs is no fun but YAYNESS my book is for sale

Hold on to your Demons
$12.95

Buy it here

artness

drawing still since the first day of this year, makes me happy to draw, but I have yet to want to paint yet... but I am sick right now so no feel for anything.

I also started reading again, this break form school even though I didnt want the break but everything happens for a reason right?

hair and love

My hair has gotten so long and I haven't chopped it off yet... amazing since I don't have tolerance to have it long. But so far its ok. I do need to redye it but there is still some pink in my hair. Its been there since September... uber cool.

by the way i love my goddaughter so much! She is the light in my life! One day I will have a cute lil kid of my own but for now she is like my child <3 She may be young but I can see her attitude already and how she is like me in so many ways and how she is like her mother as well. She loves spending time with me and bossing me around also. But its cute and she is only teeny once, already growing up so fast. I remember when I carried her with only one arm.

I play with my food...

i still play with my food espcially when its already in fun shapes... my goddaughter, nephew and niece are amused by this :)

Dino chicken nuggets all warm and toasty


OH NO!!!! Dino murder scene its bloody ketchup mess!!!


they are extinct now....


:)

listening to him still aches my heart...
beautiful voice the bullet in my heart still...
you would never know "sweet blood" and other songs were about him and I...
immortalized...
just like death echoing...

I maybe stupid to go back and listen but I cant help it
it is in my music pile, and his voice is still beautiful

its been all said and done, nothing can be erased
but those beautiful moments and memories I would never erase, they were divine after all
bliss in the form of a human shape
such endless sea of love I gave and
yet i was forced to lock it into a bottle
lost inside only to look at it
like some art on a shelf

so beautiful
so dead
immortalized...
just like death echoing...

the year to draw

Since the new year has started I began to draw by hand again... a massive urge to draw whatever again. It is quiet nice to be honest, i am even forming a callus from drawing again. I had one for so many years and it went away slowly, like my soul was dying. But since the first I have drawn these and with more detail than normal, I must of gained some patience.

I have 2 canvas and 3 small coffins to paint, I will get to it soon hopefully.

I guess its like rebirth of my art start with what I started drawing, then to painting, then to mix media, to sculpting then graphic arts.

viva la leenstar!

Canada bound!

In Febuary I will be seeing one of my best friends in Canada! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we are going to a Tim Burton Exhibit!!! Plus SNOWWWW!!!! OMG! First time I get to go to there and it is weird I wont be flying for 16hours, it is just 3 hours and that is strange to me.

Anyway I deleted my eharmony since I got really bad unwanted attention and the one guy I did go out on a date just used me, and stopped talking for 2 days. I dont play those games so pointless. Its a shame it went down like that but oh well thats the BS of life. But my first match on there is texting that is a plus since he has a sweet smile and he looks like a kind person. That makes me smile :)

life as a roller coaster in eternal chaos, and it is mine.

on time

I swear when I sleep earlier than 1am the next day is bad or I just get nightmares.... makes no sense.

I havent logged into my eharmony in two weeks to see matches, but i am paying to see the rejection... faster. Easier to be blind to it, deleting it tomorrow.

I suck at this...

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falling

date two has passed and date 3 is coming up and I feel like I am falling hard and fast for him... and i know he is interested. Lots of smiles and butterflies when I get texted from him, I even took his picture, he just might be my new muse.

my only worry is getting another heartbreak wherever that is in the future stars, I dont want another heartbreak, so i worry maybe too fast I am falling for sam. But at the same time I dont want that to get in the way of now.