I havent logged into my eharmony in two weeks to see matches, but i am paying to see the rejection... faster. Easier to be blind to it, deleting it tomorrow.

I suck at this...

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falling

date two has passed and date 3 is coming up and I feel like I am falling hard and fast for him... and i know he is interested. Lots of smiles and butterflies when I get texted from him, I even took his picture, he just might be my new muse.

my only worry is getting another heartbreak wherever that is in the future stars, I dont want another heartbreak, so i worry maybe too fast I am falling for sam. But at the same time I dont want that to get in the way of now.

a match

Monday I went on a date, my first for the year and since the horrible break up. I met him on an online dating site... it is the new way to meet people and you know what it is great. He is great and we are very compatible!

For one I don't think I would of ever come across him in a city of 5million+ people. Also getting to know him though compatibility makes it better. I hesitated to message him first since well I am not very confident but I liked what he said about himself in his profile. Plus a warm smile :)

So our first date!
He asked me to have a drink(s) with him at a bar near where I go eat a lot at House of pies. I have never been but i remember when they first put it there. I am driving and he already texted me that he has butterflies! I get there 3 minutes before he gets there and oder my drink. Well he comes in and I recognize him immediately, he smiles and I am intrigued! Well we talked for 4 hours! just non-stop like chatty catty's! Found out we had more in common and it was just so nice and comforting to be around him. his hands are soft and his lips are soft. Lips like morphine literally...

there are more dates this week coming up :)

other good news I did well on an interview and may get another possible job from the at interview. Also playing phone tag with another job but I would be an art teacher to kids after school!

its been a good day!

1/1/11

A new Year has started, and I entered the new year a bit stressed. Very busy day of cleaning, printing out card orders, going to photograph a house, going to hang out with Cyn. First year I dont spend it with family or my cats, and first year I entered it stressed. Watching a fight and going to house of pies with Cyn then to a beautiful late cloudy night drive home. I get home around 5am and think I love driving so late but so early in the morning home.

it is when I feel most calm and tranquil with life, as I am one with the universe and nothing matters and everything is ok. Everything is ok at that time or just in general, a sense of peace I can not describe but it makes me happy.

2010 was a bad year for love, interesting jobs and meeting interesting people. But a lack of traveling much was not good. But I can not complain I feel this year I got closer to parents and family.

either way 2011 I can only hope your better to me this year, I am tired of the bad!

Christmas was good, lots of celebrating and time with family. I celebrate the 24th and not the 25th, I sleep in on Christmas day :)

This looks like a city of Lights but its just a street and and an unsteady hand. But I love the magical aspect that it does look like a city and its colorful. As if the spirit of the city is alive and beckoning you to come and join in on the fun.


my goddaughter is running past the lights, beautiful in motion <3


few more pics here

going on

life keeps going on no matter what i say or do or happens. I will be jobless for 2 weeks, when I already only work part time and that is costly. But nothing I can do about it and yes it could be worse and all. But after an interesting day at work and realizing it took 3 of us to get the hot chocolate to work properly.

I come home stressed about work and wondering what to do, why cant I get a good job (my mind is saying look at the economy and how many people are applying too). I look at some job posting the flight stewardess looks like fun but i also worry with mischief since he was just sick, would that be a good idea? I saw cleaning jobs, and found some design firms to apply. No they are not hiring but might as well toss my resume in there anyway, you never know right?

In the middle of thinking how to do my design site again (leenstar.com) I decided to work on my Photography only branch of my website. Yes make it separate from my design, with maybe its own domain name, or just a whole section alone. I came up with a new logo and I enjoy it much more since its new and playing with the "a" as well. As you can see its fun and still sticks to my original idea of my name being upside down since designer/photographer dominates my non working self. Literally I am a workaholic.

Now I am lucky to have a great set of parents who have helped me out massively this last three years. But now dad suggested what all I would need for photography (lights...ect..) and make a list and see how we can get them and get started on pushing more photography. And push making books as well for customers. So Photography + design sounds good.

Also i started brainstorming ideas for the first children's book I want to make. I should get another small sketchbook just for the ideas since they are swarming in my mind.

light & dark

into the light of the tree light I look over to see the good.


falling down the tree i see no hope or desire to breathe

St. Lucia

St Lucia was on Dec 13, but I was at a local celebration in a Norwegian church here in Houston. It was a real treat to see Swedish Jule traditions, and very different from my Mexican and American upbringings.

It was beautiful and fun to be a part of this year. It started with a Fika of glögg, Pepperkakor kaka, bröd, skinka, och smör. Then followed by some words from the paster, and a poem reading that beconded for Lucia to enter the room. Then the Lucia train enters with Lucia first followed by girls dressed similar to her then the tomtoms, gingerbread kids and boys with pointy hats and stars. All so cute and very different to what I am used to seeing.

Once the singing of songs was done they emptied the church to bring in the tree and sing and dance around it. It was cute to watch them sing and dance all in Swedish. At the end of the long song they pillage the tree for the candy wrapped gifts. Beautiful memories and I was glad to have had an opportunity to photograph it as well. My teacher and 3 other classmates where there as well :)

more pictures here on my FB Fan page

Random wisdom that is true.

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just some thoughts on being lonely and unloved by a guy and its just in general thoughts.

I know as me, myself I tend to give a lot of love and can be "mommyish". Also that I go above and beyond for those I love or remotely care about. Seriously I do everything and the impossible and I started to do it again but with someone I dont even love, just care about. But it has drained me a bit already and I know this person is not future husband #2, but yet i keep helping.

But it got me thinking... who will ever love me this much or care this much or more about me? Is there a person out there for me that will give the unconditional love I have offered others to me? That undying love that stays forever until death and past death? Or when I am in a bind help me out? Or just show up to be with me and hangout, or take me out? As well as be honest and not cheat on me for once.

I thought I had meet the one but he abandoned me since I was not perfect, even though he had way more faults than I did. But i looked past them and gave more then the universe's amount of love. But that was not good enough. Prior to him I was married. He loved me but also did a drastic change after I had a miscarriage. Before him I was left for a video game... i hate wow for it still. And the list goes on and worse. I dont see how or why I keep meeting people who need so much of me but not given as much or barely anything in return. Is that so much to ask for?

but it seems it is too much to ask for... and this week has been more harsh on loneliness. I miss being loved but I want it to be real and not false. I miss having someone to call, text and send all my love. All this love is butchered since I dont trust anyone anymore. It feels like everyone is after my heart to break it or to just use me. As if I am not special or worth it to anyone. Also tend to crush on guys that wont like me back it seems, i am too goth/rocker for most it seems.

I dont get it.

nutcracker & clara

I always enjoyed the nutcracker story in many version I have seen it from cartoons, to people to the ballet. My favorite is a take on by Japanese artist Takeo Nakamura who was sponsered by Sanrio (yes the hello kitty company) to make this film. It truly is a memorable film and one I can never forget. It came out in 1979 and I have a recorded version on VHS.

sing your glow

two lights that go to each other
I carry one for you
you carry one for me
stellar lights like snakes they twine
stretching across the universe
listen to my song in the dark
I sing you this song
while my heart glows afar from me
listen to the glowing get louder to reach you
hear my song in the dark
and sing back brightly to me
and loudly glow for me...

thanksgiving

Its about being thankful on one day, but really one should be thankful everyday. Even though there is lots to be pessimistic about in my mind.

Lets start with the obvious:

friends, family and my 5 cats
that have been there for me when I really needed them. No matter how far they where or how close and still feeling like I was dying faster on the inside. They came through even if it was hours after the death or right then and there. I am very grateful for their love and support, its been very much needed. A true tough year again in the many cycles of life falling apart faster than ruins crumbling at the hand of a natural disaster. Even though some have kicked me around as well, this cycle never seems to end. But overall I had more friends helping me though the times in this year than in any other before. But very grateful for my 5 cats as well that I picked off the street and 2 that were given to me. Without their nightly snuggles or playtime demands I would forget why I am here or needed. People come and go but they are always there. Just like I am repeating this year it has included humans.

I love those close and am very grateful to them.


Health
It hasnt been that great or top notch but its been pretty good. I still have my hands to make art, photograph, and write. My lasik surgery is still a success! I love being able to zoom in and out of focus at all I look around me and admire its beauty. To see the each leaves on the trees means so much to me in a way I can not explain. I still have legs, lungs and so on. I just got over a horrible stomach virus that left me looking like a corpse for a day and half, then still lingered for another day and half. But I am still here and was able to get better in time to have the thanksgiving dinner.


Art
Being able to make art is always something I am grateful and yes this year was more about hurt, heartaches but they are still symbolic and meaningful to me. And that is all I can ask for that I keep making meaningful art for myself.


Having a "home"
Even though I joke and refer it to apartment 2 inside the house of my parents. I am very grateful to have a roof over my head and over my cats to help while still trying to get back on my feet even if its been since 2008. The times are tough but I am lucky to have good parents that allowed all 6 of us to come in. Lord knows I can not make it on my own now with the low paying job but its not just me, the world is suffering together. Its ok to know I am not the only one and that we will all one day move forward as well and maybe as one or in parts like a strung bracelet.

Jobs
I went jobless for 6 or 5 months but I got to experience a fun job working at the halloween store. A truly different atmosphere since it brought together all kinds of people and some artistic and others who are not. But we all truly had the same passion, halloween. Meet some amazing people and people to remember. Then this other job I am at is more laid back giving food demos, its fun but different. BUT it is expanding my spanish even more and forcing me to be outspoken more... thats for sure. But it is helping survive, and I am grateful for that. Also some amazing women I work with as well, another world to connect to. But both jobs have a very large and different range in ages and personalities, this makes me calm and happy to be around.


Traveling
I have traveled to Sweden and locally across Texas this year. I am so grateful to have explored Sweden the way I did even if he broke my heart afterwords, but still those memories will always remain. Road tripping and getting lost and looking around at the beauty of Sweden. Photographing as much as possible and mentally capturing like a painting onto my soul that can never be erased. Traveling across Texas even if its a few hours once you leave out of the city which takes over an hour most days anyway is interesting. Small towns, just green of nothing, cars cars and just not feeling at home.


my car
I am glad my car has been good to me and taken me from point A to B. Put put up with my singing in the car, crying, frustrations and just being my portal everywhere. Without my car I would be lost since public transportation here is a joke and far from where I live.


there maybe more things I am thankful but this is all I can think of and seems to be the most significant to me now.