dont let me go in the mean time as i think and hide
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
silence in the stars
dont let me go in the mean time as i think and hide
"Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes" - Beck
its so beautiful, and so is the movie perfect fitting to this movie and concept.
Monday, June 8, 2009
20 minute wait
while i wait on the phone with this 20 minute wait, my mind circles of course. But when doesn't it, and even more when I eat, when i dont i am focused on finding food.
Anyway lets do a late introduction blog, I just plunged into you with out any prior knowledge of me, forcing you to be my priest in a confession stand, but to you I go to, and not the church. Odd yes... So anyway hi blog I am a manic girl who is artsy in various fields of art like graphic design, photography, paintings, drawings, cooking and being organized. I am in in love with a man that is my twin soul but yet I don't always understand, but I love him enough to want to understand and know. But I do know I love him dearly and when I am with, talking, emailing with him I am happy and excited like a child given its first piece of candy. I am savoring this love, and don't want it to end. But that isn't my choice, as you can tell so far I am either really happy or really down, an extremist that can find balance in everything but not in emotions. I have 5 cats that i adore to death since they are my everyday interaction and bring a smile into my life or an ouch from the stampedes. I havent been doing much art lately, but just 2 days ago I got a new sketchbook so I have been drawing again, with more details this time, I will load pics when I am done with the 3rd drawing, but not the first it didnt turn out so well, so to the trash it goes!
well just got that done, and now time for another FBL issue, oh by the way bloggy i am divorced and it was not productive at all, basic waste of time with someone who loved me but didnt learn, turned out selfish and disorganized, a complete opposite that should of been stopped but no one got in the way.
Anyway lets do a late introduction blog, I just plunged into you with out any prior knowledge of me, forcing you to be my priest in a confession stand, but to you I go to, and not the church. Odd yes... So anyway hi blog I am a manic girl who is artsy in various fields of art like graphic design, photography, paintings, drawings, cooking and being organized. I am in in love with a man that is my twin soul but yet I don't always understand, but I love him enough to want to understand and know. But I do know I love him dearly and when I am with, talking, emailing with him I am happy and excited like a child given its first piece of candy. I am savoring this love, and don't want it to end. But that isn't my choice, as you can tell so far I am either really happy or really down, an extremist that can find balance in everything but not in emotions. I have 5 cats that i adore to death since they are my everyday interaction and bring a smile into my life or an ouch from the stampedes. I havent been doing much art lately, but just 2 days ago I got a new sketchbook so I have been drawing again, with more details this time, I will load pics when I am done with the 3rd drawing, but not the first it didnt turn out so well, so to the trash it goes!
well just got that done, and now time for another FBL issue, oh by the way bloggy i am divorced and it was not productive at all, basic waste of time with someone who loved me but didnt learn, turned out selfish and disorganized, a complete opposite that should of been stopped but no one got in the way.
an "i love you" is precious
dont take any gestures of love or an "i love you" for granted. Its so precious so strong and fragile that when it fades from you, it shreds open your heart, worse than your heart being put into the blender.
but instead embrace that dark heart that has hurt, damaged, hold on to it and protect it from the ocean's rage and let it shine dont let its light of love fade for it is their life and yours in one.
protect and cherish whatever love there is in this world, its worth fighting for and dying for.
but instead embrace that dark heart that has hurt, damaged, hold on to it and protect it from the ocean's rage and let it shine dont let its light of love fade for it is their life and yours in one.
protect and cherish whatever love there is in this world, its worth fighting for and dying for.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
another vent for today
i can not help but to cry, will you be the first to cast the stone or will I be the first to cast the stone at myself over and over. my love for you bleeds like an ocean in the night lit up by the moon and showing the blackest part of my heart flowing love, bleed into the ocean for everyone to taste my love for you, sweet poison.
love is life, love is death, love makes my heart beat, love forces my heart to stop, love tastes sweet, love is poison, love is freedom, love is the exile, love is sharing, love is jealous, love is comfort, love is hurtful, love is eye opening, love is blind, love makes us smart, love makes us stupid, we do it all for love, and all ends for love. skitzo emotion i do not understand you, instead you should tranquilize me and lift me to higher grounds, but instead you pull me and drug me down to the coffin.
im trying to vent in a disorder fashion that wont make sense to everyone but only myself... im trying...
love is life, love is death, love makes my heart beat, love forces my heart to stop, love tastes sweet, love is poison, love is freedom, love is the exile, love is sharing, love is jealous, love is comfort, love is hurtful, love is eye opening, love is blind, love makes us smart, love makes us stupid, we do it all for love, and all ends for love. skitzo emotion i do not understand you, instead you should tranquilize me and lift me to higher grounds, but instead you pull me and drug me down to the coffin.
im trying to vent in a disorder fashion that wont make sense to everyone but only myself... im trying...
honesty
i am honest and blunt and it seems that is how people remember me even if it has been years since they saw me. But is it a good thing? Some say yes and others say I need to STFU more... I cant find a good balance of this at all.
Some say I didnt hurt them, but why did i feel my heart sting and hear yours tear, it stung like pepper in the eyes. Or that world has tilted today and not in my favor, I am holding on but just barely... the choice is
stay honest and blunt
or
STFU indefinitely
I am leaning towards the second one a bit more today. I dont know what to think or do. Jag är ledsen. There is way too much of mass depression, and problems in the air with the world that is unbalancing the manics, less rescission please, less frustration as well.
sävning till vänster eller sväning till höger?
Some say I didnt hurt them, but why did i feel my heart sting and hear yours tear, it stung like pepper in the eyes. Or that world has tilted today and not in my favor, I am holding on but just barely... the choice is
stay honest and blunt
or
STFU indefinitely
I am leaning towards the second one a bit more today. I dont know what to think or do. Jag är ledsen. There is way too much of mass depression, and problems in the air with the world that is unbalancing the manics, less rescission please, less frustration as well.
sävning till vänster eller sväning till höger?
tri-thoughts
play that love song once more
play it over and over for me
for i can not hear it anymore
dance to the song that once was yours and mine
stare into another pair eyes
as you tell them you love them
move on and away from me
with every step taken
I fade further away
play the love song for them
let love take another victim
keep breathing for me
I am running out of breathe,
i can barely gasp anymore.
I'll just slowly start to slip away
and into another world
where I can not mess anything up
and pay for them all eternity.
Or whatever is eternity
what does it matter?
Fade into the earth
stop consuming someone's precious breathe
let them breathe, let them live on.
kitty kisses from when i wake and sleep
meow your love to me again
dont leave me, but stay loyal
comfort me always as i pet you with love
run with me when I run
cheer me up with the love that never fade
it never ends, its always there to give
meow love your always there
meow love you meow
random thoughts meshed into picture mind thoughts
play it over and over for me
for i can not hear it anymore
dance to the song that once was yours and mine
stare into another pair eyes
as you tell them you love them
move on and away from me
with every step taken
I fade further away
play the love song for them
let love take another victim
keep breathing for me
I am running out of breathe,
i can barely gasp anymore.
I'll just slowly start to slip away
and into another world
where I can not mess anything up
and pay for them all eternity.
Or whatever is eternity
what does it matter?
Fade into the earth
stop consuming someone's precious breathe
let them breathe, let them live on.
kitty kisses from when i wake and sleep
meow your love to me again
dont leave me, but stay loyal
comfort me always as i pet you with love
run with me when I run
cheer me up with the love that never fade
it never ends, its always there to give
meow love your always there
meow love you meow
random thoughts meshed into picture mind thoughts
one of my Fav Marilyn Manson songs
She's made of hair and bone and little teeth,
Things I cannot speak
She comes on like a crippled plaything,
Spine is just a string
I wrapped our love in all this foil,
Silver-tight like spider legs
I never wanted it to ever spoil,
But flies will lay their eggs
Chorus:
Take your hatred out on me,
Make your victim my head
You never ever believed in me,
I am your tourniquet
Prosthetic synthesis with butterfly,
Sealed up with virgin stitch
If it hurts baby please tell me,
Preserve the innocence
I never wanted it to end like this,
But flies will lay their eggs (Mmm, Mmm, Mmm)
Chorus
What I wanted,
What I needed,
What I got for me...x2
Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm
Chorus
Take it out, take it out
Your not fighting me,
I don't believe me!
I never ever believed in me,
I am your tourniquet
Saturday, June 6, 2009
sexual freedom
Ethics class Discussion Question 3
Examine the arguments for and against sexual freedom. State your view and carefully justify it making reference to the distinction between private and public.
My answer
I am for all forms of sexual freedom of course with some limitations that do not cause harm towards others or know how to limit them in public.
Lets face it not everyone wants to watch an animal-istic sex show on the street, but that is also how we were brought up to shun sexuality, in a different world or time it could of been normal and not offensive. Not only that but some people give the funniest or worst facial expressions during such sexual freedom and it might offend them if someone else passing by laughed. Such acts are fine being kept in a privacy of a closed area or a secluded area to not offend the easily offended. Although this is very natural after all we have the parts that connect, "if the shoe fits" would be an obscure way to say it.
There are some things that should be kept in the privacy of the persons such as sex, making pornography, self pleasures, prostitution, these kinds of acts are shunned and in this world probably still kept hidden from young sheltered eyes. Pornography is already fine being kept behind registers or special sections of stores, and if this was more widely accepted as it is in other countries there wouldn't be a problem. Same with prostitution it can be controlled so the givers are not in harm of their pimps, and could be monitored on health so no more std's would spread. And it would lower crimes as rape since the prices would then become controlled and maybe even affordable, who knows a discount program could happen. And after awhile it would be so natural to pass a place that offers these services that it would lessen crime in that area and people would move on to try and censor something else.
This goes for both straight and homo/lesbian relationships, marriage is already a sanction that is ruined by a man and women, if two of the same sex can make a marriage last longer and a better impression for family respect it would improve even straight marriages. No it would not teach kids that you have to have same sex relationships to work but it would show that love can triumph and can last it just takes the right person. But that would only occur if we stop pointing out that its same sex and allow that prejudice to go on, it would then be focused on love and being loved and caring that two humans can give each other. A happiness that we have been trying to reteach in a shattered world.
I can go on about this all day and night till i consume all the oxygen, its all about reprogramming peoples thoughts that we can make a more "collective" positive approach towards sexual freedom. Such examples that showed that the worlds clashed was in Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World", and the deprivation of anything that made you happy was shown in George Orwell's "1984". Two great books to read back and forth and compare it to this subject matter.
no citation all person thought and experience from traveling and seeing the culture difference
photo taken in Lahti, Finland 2009 where I got to see several sex shops and hotels.
Examine the arguments for and against sexual freedom. State your view and carefully justify it making reference to the distinction between private and public.
My answer
I am for all forms of sexual freedom of course with some limitations that do not cause harm towards others or know how to limit them in public.
Lets face it not everyone wants to watch an animal-istic sex show on the street, but that is also how we were brought up to shun sexuality, in a different world or time it could of been normal and not offensive. Not only that but some people give the funniest or worst facial expressions during such sexual freedom and it might offend them if someone else passing by laughed. Such acts are fine being kept in a privacy of a closed area or a secluded area to not offend the easily offended. Although this is very natural after all we have the parts that connect, "if the shoe fits" would be an obscure way to say it.
There are some things that should be kept in the privacy of the persons such as sex, making pornography, self pleasures, prostitution, these kinds of acts are shunned and in this world probably still kept hidden from young sheltered eyes. Pornography is already fine being kept behind registers or special sections of stores, and if this was more widely accepted as it is in other countries there wouldn't be a problem. Same with prostitution it can be controlled so the givers are not in harm of their pimps, and could be monitored on health so no more std's would spread. And it would lower crimes as rape since the prices would then become controlled and maybe even affordable, who knows a discount program could happen. And after awhile it would be so natural to pass a place that offers these services that it would lessen crime in that area and people would move on to try and censor something else.
This goes for both straight and homo/lesbian relationships, marriage is already a sanction that is ruined by a man and women, if two of the same sex can make a marriage last longer and a better impression for family respect it would improve even straight marriages. No it would not teach kids that you have to have same sex relationships to work but it would show that love can triumph and can last it just takes the right person. But that would only occur if we stop pointing out that its same sex and allow that prejudice to go on, it would then be focused on love and being loved and caring that two humans can give each other. A happiness that we have been trying to reteach in a shattered world.
I can go on about this all day and night till i consume all the oxygen, its all about reprogramming peoples thoughts that we can make a more "collective" positive approach towards sexual freedom. Such examples that showed that the worlds clashed was in Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World", and the deprivation of anything that made you happy was shown in George Orwell's "1984". Two great books to read back and forth and compare it to this subject matter.
no citation all person thought and experience from traveling and seeing the culture difference
photo taken in Lahti, Finland 2009 where I got to see several sex shops and hotels.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
silver light that illuminates my hallway as I walk past the doors of my life. It flutters to a rhythm that is off beat and inconsistent like my mind lately. The shadows are moving and creating pictures of the past. I walk this path over and over like I am stuck on a treadmill and not going anywhere. I see my unborn son coming in and out of doors but not sure which one to be in, so I cant have him until he has picked where and who is the one that will plant the seed in me. I am reaching out to him, shouting a name I can not hear, he just smiles and says mama. I keep walking and hoping the ground will break under me and let me run forward and begin the chase. Instead the hallway gets longer and I am left to think am i doing the right thing for you? and I slow down to a stop the treadmill stops and I stand there looking at the doors, which one, or is every door I pick pushing me away from you? None of these doors look promising or hopeful, they look more like bleeding hearts ready to shred apart and drown in tears. I am lost again and dont know what to do, am i real anymore, am i needed here, am i anything... i dont feel like i am. Even if i lay here and wait to be run over or drowned in the past, i see you happy little face saying mama, i crawl to you, but I dont know if I can handle it my lil one. I am the light bearer for them all but who will lite my way or give me some one when it seems like most days people are just stepping on me into the dirt... how do i go on, when everything has been falling apart around inside of me. Show me how to get to the end or to you my lil one.
melt me
you are my twin soul
you melt my soul
you are the smile on my face
you melt my eyes
you are beats in my heart
you melt my heart
love you
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
countdowns
30 days till i go and i am anxiously waiting!
11 days till i go to my friends party on the lake.
11 days till i go to my friends party on the lake.
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